Michele Hewitson: Starstruck by Simple SimonTV

In the second episode of the new series of Stars in Their Eyes, host Simon Barnett said to the beekeeper chick who was dressing up as Bonnie Raitt: "I think he [her husband] kind of liked that outfit. I sense he might get a bit of a sting in his tail out in the old beehive in that."

Is there some school New Zealand telly people go to, to learn how to put together sentences that bear little resemblance to any known construction of sentences?

What was he trying to say? Well, we can guess at that: something a bit rude but not very because this is instant noodle telly and you can't be too rude or too clever. And you can't, God forbid, be funny, because that might be construed as trying to be clever.

A joke on Stars in Their Eyes goes like this. A contestant is a young bloke who wants to be a rock star and who used to be a chef. Si thought up a goodie. A new telly show: The Naked Rocking Chef.

For all its jolly hockey sticks noodle flavour, SITE (like Dancing With the Stars and almost anything involving folks prepared to "give it a go"), it's telly that treats you like an idiot.

Watching this stuff is like being stuck at a bad party with a bore. "I love your accent," Barnett said to the Cockney bloke. How is anyone supposed to respond to that? "I love your ... hair," possibly? And what can you say to: "What really impressed was ... your hand mannerisms."

To the 13-year-old girl: "I can't believe you're just 13 ... " And just in case we weren't clear on that: "Thirteen years old! I just can't get over it." Neither could I.

But he's sweet, that Simon, isn't he? I love his hair.

Why people want to go on the telly is an even greater mystery. Oh, all right, not really. I blame telly. They're addicted to the idea that going on the telly can make you famous. And they're addicted to the idea because they're addicted to the sort of telly that is about people addicted to the idea of being on the thing. (To construct a sentence even Si might have been proud of.)

There seems to be no end, no hope, in sight. You can see it on the news, every time anything at all happens: people with nothing to say being asked about events or issues they know nothing about. Why would you go on the telly to make a prat of yourself?

Did the chef-turned-wannabe rocker really think he was going to endear himself to anyone with his charming little story about how the racket he and his mates make in the garage resulted in noise control arriving? Why does noise control arrive? Because you are a noisy, selfish little prat who is disturbing other people's lives, perhaps.

Nah. "If you're going to be a rock star you've got to hurt a few people," said the prat. At which point I gave the telly a hand mannerism which was really quite impressive.