KEY POINTS:
Had the casting agents for new movie The Queen known about the dead ringer for Prince Charles who travels into Auckland's CBD each day on the 767 bus, they would no doubt have made a better fist of it.
As it is, the makers of the movie about the royal family in the days following Lady Diana's death opted for Alex Jennings, who looks no more like Prince Charles than Prince Harry does.
The rest of the cast, as pictured in the New Zealand's Woman's Weekly, are pretty much spot on. Thanks to hair curlers, Helen Mirren is a convincing Queen, albeit in a slightly less jowly fashion. The corgis are the coup de grace, though - the only thing separating those in the movie from the Buckingham Palace pack is the blood of palace serving ladies dripping off the fangs of the latter. The Weekly has an interview with Mirren, who confesses she was as scared of the Queen as the serving ladies are of corgis.
The Weekly also risks the wrath of half of New Zealand's royalists with David Hartnell's best and worst dressed list. Despite the objectiveness of distance, Hartnell proves no less susceptible to a bit of TVNZ bashing than the rest of us. So TV3 luvvies Carolyn Robinson and Carly Flynn are lauded for their rags. Robinson is the supreme winner of "best dressed" and is apparently "a vision of style" and "touched by the Angel of Fashion".
Meanwhile, poor old TVNZ's Wendy Petrie is far less blessed by adjectives.
"She dresses like a 1960's TV gameshow host," Hartnell huffs as he relegates her to the worst dressed list along with Iain Stables in his muscle T and Peter Leitch.
Best piece is Woman's Day's startling investigative expose on Britney Spears.
She's pictured with Paris Hilton, clasping hands over Britney's heart, which is just as well given old Brit's dress seemed averse to covering the area.
As the photos would reveal if not for some strategically placed stars saying "too rude!" and "way too rude!" her knickers weren't up to much either, because they didn't exist.
New Idea covers the same bender, dubbing Britney, Paris and coterie the "bimbo brigade".
Woman's Day concludes that "with this one stunt, Britney has lost everything - her dignity, her reputation and the image of her as a responsible parent".
Strange thing - previous Britney stories might make it questionable whether those qualities were any more existent than her underwear.
Classier fare from the Woman's Weekly, which announces a so far non-existent engagement with "Wills and Kate's Christmas engagement!" on its cover.
Those rushing to pour the Pimms and settle in to watch another three-hour royal wedding extravaganza can sit back down. It seems the exclamation mark must have been a typo - inside, the story becomes "A Christmas Engagement?"
But Kate has been invited to Sandringham for Christmas Day lunch - apparently the first time an unmarried partner has been invited. Crikey gee, what a hip granny that Lizzy is turning out to be.
While the Weekly went for the engagement that never was but might be, New Idea opts for the opposite tack, with an engagement that was but isn't any more.
Oprah's long-term man Stedman Graham has told Larry King that their 14-year long engagement no longer exists.
"I asked her one time. She didn't turn me down, but we cancelled the engagement."
The reason for the cancellation, Mr Graham said, is "none of your business".
