Matilda is cooking dinner for her brother Jack, who's going away on a water polo trip. She's making his favourites: a giant burger (not Heston Blumenthal giant but still pretty big) and an equally large milkshake. "I call it a milk-share," she explains, "because I serve it in one big cup and everybody shares it."
I'm sorry. What family is sitting around the table slurping a milkshake from the same cup like they're at a Full Moon Party in Thailand? Revolting.
To make the giant burger patty, Matilda has chucked the mixture in a way-too-small frying pan, then tamped it down with a potato masher. When she calls her dad down to help flip it, you can't help but feel a tingle of excitement at how badly he's going to lose it at this culinary faux pas.
Instead, he comes careening down the stairs on crutches ("Dad's had a bad sports injury") and gets straight to work. Matilda doesn't even say thank you, just orders him to cut the giant bun she's baked.
"Oh no," he mutters mid-slice. What is it, what's wrong? "I've just cut it a little unevenly," he admits. "What?!" Matilda explodes. "You're supposed to be a chef." Turning back to the camera, she calmly continues: "While your rubbish dad corrects his bad bun cutting, put mozzarella on your burger to melt."
This is toxic behaviour. Who bullies their own dad for badly cutting a bun? Even in his fearsome prime, I'm not sure Chef Ramsay was ever this cruel.
Next, she unhygienically slaps the buns to the sides of his face and asks: "What are you?" A graphic pops up on the screen. It reads: "An idiot sandwich."
My God, she's unhinged. At dinner she tricks him into eating a dog biscuit. Ha, ha, everybody laughs.
In the final shot, Jack wheels his suitcase out the door, turns to the camera and pumps his fist. "I'm away from them," he whispers, "Yesss." You said it, mate.
