Legendary skateboarder Tony Hawk is lying at the bottom of a halfpipe in a crumpled heap. His legs are twisted one way, his arms the other, one appearing to have melted into the woodwork. He is distorted, broken and lifeless.
This scenario is one which plays out many times in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5, and it's a great description for the latest instalment of the long-running video game. It's a woeful addition to his franchise and, to put it bluntly, a slap in the face for sports games. It shouldn't be this way.
Back in 2000, Hawk's Pro Skater 2 set the bar seriously high for skateboarding games, delivering brilliant arcade action with a catalogue of super-addictive tricks and challenges that kept you wanting more. I certainly did. I lost at least a year, and probably failed several university papers, because I gave my all to that game like never before or since.
But Pro Skater 5, the tenth in Hawk's series and first major release since 2007, doesn't come close to touching its greatness. Developers Robomodo bailed on basics, like tutorials that don't work, graphics that glitch constantly and animation that sees skaters merging with structures. The problems don't end there.
Tricks have been dumbed down so they get repetitive and tired very quickly. You can't create your own character, only edit existing ones. Creating your own skate park is a nice touch, but when it comes to skating in them the graphics get dodgier than ever.
Even if you nail a sick fakie kickflip to nollie front side crooked grind combo, the game may not register your points. Skateboarding has never been less fun. The only good news is that you can exact your revenge on Hawk by ramming him into obstacles and watch him crumple into a painful heap on the concrete.
Game: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5
Platforms: Playstation 3, Playstation 4, Xbox 360, Xbox One
Rating: PG
Verdict: Tony, what have they done to you?