Game of Thrones recap: Season eight, episode three

Game of Thrones' major battle episode did not go the way fans thought it would. Photo / HBO

SPOILER ALERT: This is a recap. That means we'll be discussing all the juicy details from Game of Thrones season eight, episode three - The Long Night.

If you haven't seen the episode yet and don't want to know what happens, leave now.

Not since the Red Wedding has Game of Thrones punched us in the guts so hard with a sweep of deaths.

The difference this time, of course, was that we knew it was coming. Nothing good ever comes of White Walkers showing up at your doorstep, and we'd been told for months they were coming a-knockin' at Winterfell.

But before we get to the bloodbath that saw several of our favourites briefly join the Dead Army, let's review what happened in the lead-up.

At the end of episode two, right as Jon Snow told his girlfriend/queen Daenarys Targaryen that she was his aunt (meaning he might be her rival to the Iron Throne), they were forced to put their chat "on ice" — sorry — as the enemy finally arrived at Winterfell.

After going AWOL for the first two episodes of the season, Melisandre pulls a Gandalf and shows up literally just as the battle is kicking off.

She's even less popular than Dany around these parts, but that's overlooked for the minute as they've got bigger fish to fry etc.

"Tell them to lift their swords," she instructs Ser Jorah Mormont, looking out at the Dothraki soldiers, before lighting up their weapons with fire, which actually creates a nice wintry al fresco vibe.

Despite her nifty pyro tricks, Ser Davos Seaworth keeps throwing Melisandre salty looks and it's clear he's still cut up about that time she burnt an innocent 15-year-old girl at the stake.

He's old-fashioned like that.

Anyway, while he considers whether or not to put his quest for justice on hold, she offers up this fresh alternative: "No need to execute me, Ser Davos — I'll be dead before the dawn."

Things are pretty confusing from here in this exceptionally dark (that's figuratively and literally) episode, and at times it's hard to know if we've just witnessed a major death or not, so bear with me while I try and unpack the essentials.

The Dothraki are the first to charge out, and it's a very ominous sign when the flames of their swords dim pretty quickly.

Meanwhile, far from bringing them closer together, the very real possibility of death hasn't done much to soften Dany's feelings towards Jon in the wake of the Targaryen bombshell he's just dropped.

As they watch their soldiers meet the Dead Army from up high with their dragons, Rhaegal and Drogon, Jon tries to break the awkwardness with a bit of chat.

"The Night King is coming," Jon tells her.

"The Dead are already here," she snaps back.

Suddenly, Jon's hit with fond memories of the good ol' days serving in the Night's Watch.

Sansa and Arya have no time for emotional sisterly goodbyes, but Arya's got some great advice for her older sibling as she hands her dragonglass and instructs her to go and hide.

"Get down to the crypt … stick them with the pointy end," she advises.

Brienne and Jaime prove to be among the MVPs during the fight, but what's even more precious is the fact that they constantly have each other's backs while the dead soldiers attack.

It's their version of romance, like when normal people flirt on Tinder.

Meanwhile, Samwell Tarly looks set to become the first high-profile casualty of the night, but then he's saved by Dolorous Edd Tollett, acting Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, who is stabbed through the chest and dies in his place.

RIP.

For a terrifying moment, it appears the Night King is also about to recruit a Clegane into his army, but The Hound is saved by Arya, who shoots his attacker with a fiery arrow.

Meanwhile, up above, Jon and Dany are bringing some much-needed relief to their troops by shooting fire at the Dead Army and dodging the Night King on Viserion.

A freak snowstorm suddenly hits, making it really hard for them to see … kind of like all of us squinting at our screens during this episode.

IN THE CRYPTS

Tyrion, Sansa and Varys — along with a bunch of others who are either women and children or considered more in the "brain" rather than "brawn" category — are all hanging out in the crypts while terrifying noises echo overhead.

Varys breaks the silence with a joke to lighten the mood.

"At least we're already in a crypt," he says, reminding everyone of the high possibility they're about to die.

Tyrion's frustrated because after that one battle he was in where he didn't die, he thinks he's ready to take on the most lethal army on the planet.

"If we were up there, we might be able to see something … Remember the Battle of Blackwater? If I were up there right now …" he begins, when Sansa cuts him off with some tough love.

"You'd die. There's nothing you can do," she says.

All this cute banter between Tyrion and Sansa sparks fond memories of the short period they were in a forced marriage.

Sansa tells Tyrion that he was "the best" of her husbands.

(One of them was actual murderous psychopath Ramsay Bolton, so it's a tepid sort of compliment).

However, she also claims it would never have worked out between them because of their "divided loyalties" — i.e. Dany — prompting Missandei to step in and remind them that they'd all be dead without the "dragon queen" and honestly, she's not wrong.

Last week, everyone kept banging on about heading to the "safety" of the crypts, and keeping all the women and children in the crypts during the battle, so of course that turns out to be more dangerous than giving a dragon a dental check.

It didn't take a Maester to guess beforehand that — as the Night King has the ability to raise the dead — being locked in a room with a bunch of deadies was probably going to cause trouble down the track.

More on that later.

We'd almost forgotten about Bran and Theon's suicide mission to lure the Night King out of hiding, but amid all the chaos, these two are hanging out in the godswood, as promised.

Bran's not exactly the person we'd choose to spend our last moments alive with, but Theon's still feeling guilty about stealing Winterfell and driving the young Stark boy out of his home all those years ago so he takes one for the team.

As they await the Night King, Theon tries to apologise, but Bran's not having it.

"Everything you did brought you where you are now, where you belong — home," he tells Theon, before announcing he's going to GTFO of there and warg into a crow for a bit.

Back at the centre of the battle, The Hound is trying to pull himself together but there's fire everywhere and it's his one big phobia, thanks to that face-burning incident when he was a kid.

In a stark contrast, Arya and Lady Lyanna Mormont are nearby, bravely clashing with the wights like the total legends that they are.

As The Hound tries to summon some courage, Lyanna is given the ultimate hero's farewell.

She's tossed to the side by an undead giant — but continues to run at him, until he grabs her and starts to crush her bones à la Oberyn Martell's eyes. Right before she succumbs to death, she stabs him in the eye with her dragonglass dagger, taking him down with her and breaking all of our hearts.

Arya runs off to hide inside Winterfell, and she's pulling it off until some drops of her blood spill onto the floor and alert the wights to her whereabouts.

Right as it looks like it might be all over for the girl with no name, The Hound and Beric Dondarrion arrive just in time to save her life.

Unfortunately, Beric has to sacrifice himself in the process, and thus we lose another character we actually know the name of.

RIP Beric.

Arya's pretty bummed about it, but Melisandre pops up and reminds Arya that technically, he already died, but was brought back to life for a single purpose — which we can now assume was to save Arya.

Arya then tells Melisandre that her prediction that she'd "shut a lot of eyes" was accurate, and the Red Woman cryptically mentions the "blue eyes" that she'll add to that list.

We've been iffy on Melisandre throughout this entire series, but credit where it's due: she can really drop a motivational speech.

As Arya seems ready to give in to the hopelessness of the situation, Melisandre channels her old sword-fighting instructor, Syrio Forel, and asks: "What do we say to the God of Death?"

Arya hits back: "Not today!" and races off with a new sense of purpose and Run The World playing in her head.

High above the battlefield, Dany and Jon, riding Drogon and Rhaegal, are clashing with the Night King on Viserion, and it's real chaos in the skies.

When the Night King is knocked off his dragon, it looks like the tide is finally turning for our heroes.

"Dracarys!" Dany commands her dragon, staring smugly down at the Night King as fire rushes toward him.

Only... he's not too bothered:

At this point, Jon's made so many stupid decisions that we're honestly unaffected when he dives face-first into yet another one and runs straight at the Night King, who stands amid a sea of dead soldiers.

Yup, dead soldiers.

Obviously, he brings them all to life …

...And there are now about a billion more wights. Including down in the crypts, where things are suddenly very dicey for those hiding out there for "safety".

Up on the battlefield, Jon now finds himself in the too-familiar position of being locked inside a circle of wights, just like in season seven when Dany came to save him on her dragon.

Right on cue, she swoops in and — once again — it spells disaster for her.

Jon suddenly remembers hatching that whole plan to leave Bran out in the open as Night King-bait and realises he'd better get to the godswood, lickety-split, leaving Dany to be set upon by hundreds of wights, who stab Drogon and pull her to the ground.

Amazingly, Ser Jorah Mormont manages to get there in time from all the way over in the friendzone, and is stabbed to death while saving his queen.

And just like that, we lose another.

RIP, Ser Jorah.

We're getting to the pointy end of the drama in the godswood, where the Night King is drawing close thanks to his Potter-esque connection to Bran.

In their final minutes together, Bran offers Theon the redemption he needed, telling him that he is a "good man" and thanking him for his help.

Theon then charges at the Night King and, predictably, immediately meets his death.

RIP Theon. We always knew this was coming (putting his hand up to "protect" Bran was never going to be a long-term job) — but when the moment came, it still broke our hearts.

In typical Bran fashion, he is absolutely unfazed by the fact he's now completely defenceless and in a standoff with the Night King and oh dear god, it seems like this plan has backfired spectacularly.

We see Jon fighting his way through the crowd to get there on time but he's left it a touch too late, and the Night King reaches Bran and pulls out his knife.

Just when we were ready to pretend we liked Bran as a person so we could dramatically mourn his death, Arya flies in out of nowhere.

That's right — our little assassin manages to sneak up on the Night King, and after a quick scuffle, plunges her knife right into his chest, causing him to shatter.

It has the domino effect of also killing off everyone he brought with him, which is a huge timesaver.

While the war may have ended right then — there was still another death to come, and this one took us by surprise.

Melisandre - having done her job of lining up the all the pieces so Arya could take out the Night King - fulfilled her promise to Ser Davos by taking off her enchanted necklace and walking into a field to die.

Eight years. Seven and a half seasons. And the battle between the Living and the Dead is finally over.

Now they just have to work out who gets to plant themselves on the Iron Throne.