For centuries, famous age-gap relationships and unconventional pairings have fascinated us.
Cleopatra and Julius Caesar had a 30-year age gap, in a relationship which brought the Roman Empire to its knees.
Screen icon Charlie Chaplin was married and divorced four times to women ranging from 13-36 years younger than him.
King Charles and Princess Diana had a 12-year age gap; she was 19, he was 31, which was largely glossed over at the time, and only scrutinised in recent years.
Actors Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had 15 years between them and a seemingly happy relationship that fascinated the public for nearly a decade.
Some couples had a respectable run (by Hollywood standards, at least) while others were doomed before they walked down the aisle.
The only thing that’s never failed is our compulsion to point out age gaps. We, the public, find it near-impossible not to question the intentions – usually of the older party – and place pre-existing labels on the relationship.
For heterosexual couples, if the woman is much younger, she’s likely a “gold-digger”, he a “sugar daddy”. If the male is younger, he’s a “cub”, the woman is a “cougar”.
But how do these preconceived ideas actually impact those involved – celebrity or otherwise? Do age-old taboos still carry the weight of burden, or is age truly just a number?
Actress Florence Pugh recently sparked the conversation when she spoke out about the “insane amount of abuse” she and actor Zach Braff faced.
A 29-year-old Pugh was 21 years younger than the 50-year-old Scrubs actor. The pair broke up in 2022 after a three-year-long relationship, and Pugh told the Louis Theroux Podcast that she tried to fight back against the backlash.
“I stood up for it, and I stood up for him, and I stood up for me just being allowed to do whatever the f*** I wanted to do, and that kind of did actually change a few people’s minds.”
Pugh said she felt a lot of the judgment and subsequent hurt she faced was people wanting to create a scandal that wasn’t there, especially on social media.
“They want a story; they want a reality show. It doesn’t really matter how much you say you love someone or how much they make you happy. If they don’t like them and it doesn’t fit that image that they want of you, they don’t care. And I think that hurt me,” the Dune actress said.
Singer Cher, 77, also recently addressed the 40-year age gap between her and her partner Alexander Edwards, 38. When the couple debuted in 2022, fans were divided in their opinions, but the noise was deafening.
“Anytime you make a choice, you take a chance. I’ve always taken chances … It’s who I am.” Cher said on social media at the time. “I’m not defending us. Haters are gonna hate … doesn’t matter that we’re happy and not bothering anyone.”
While celebrities have their mansions to hide in and PR teams to hide behind, how do everyday people cope with the realities of age-gap relationships and the associated judgment?
Kiwi couple Tracy and Steve Maher recently celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary and 34 years together.
They share a 16.5-year age gap, three children together, and what Tracy calls a “beautiful bond”. But when she and her husband started dating – she was 19, and he was 35 – it wasn’t such smooth sailing.
They met working at a roofing company, she worked reception, he in sales, and Tracy wanted to learn more about the sales part of the business. The two formed a bond as Steve passed on expertise about the job.
“We had a really strong connection and we were just work friends for ages and that eventually led to other things,” Tracy told the Herald.
The couple first tried to hide their relationship while they got their heads around it and figured out if what they had was real. Eventually, they worked up the courage to face the judgment they assumed might be coming their way.
“My parents didn’t speak to me for a while – for a few months,” said Tracy, whose mother is a year older than Steve, “and then they came to know Steve for the beautiful person that he is and accepted him.”
But not everyone accepted the relationship over time. Tracy said she lost friends who felt it “was wrong, or gross”, and Steve lost members of his family who still don’t speak to him today.
Steve’s son was also a year younger than Tracy, which she said wasn’t without its complications.
But the pair were committed, and Tracy said judgment only made them work harder at their relationship.
“Not because you want to prove people wrong, it just makes you work harder, and I think you can’t help who you connect with, and you can’t help who you fall in love with. We just have such a beautiful, strong connection to each other, and you can’t ignore that because of what other people think.”
Tracy said people would often make a point of mentioning their age gap when they were younger and it was more noticeable – making comments, sometimes to them, sometimes to their kids.
But now aged 53 and 70, the comments are all but a distant memory, and their kids laugh about it, after seeing their parents’ special bond firsthand.
“They don’t even really look twice at us anymore,” said Tracy, who is adamant she wouldn’t change a thing, even during the tough times.
“Steve’s 70 now, he’s retired, I’m still working, and sometimes things still get hard, but we talk it through and make a plan.”
The key to their lasting relationship, she said, has always been that communication.
“We spent a lot of time talking about when it did get hard, a lot of time talking about what we wanted, with our lives and from each other.”
“The age thing just becomes a number, and it just doesn’t matter – you don’t notice it until other people point it out,” said Maher.
Her advice for anyone who might be facing what she and Steve did 34 years ago: “Don’t let them influence what it is that you want from each other and with your lives, because at the end of the day, it’s your life and they’ll move on.
“Live your life and let your happiness come first.”
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald’s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.