With the Olympics starting tomorrow SCOTT KARA looks at guilty pleasure sports you're not likely to watch for another four years and how some events could be improved for TV audiences
KEY POINTS:
The guilty pleasures
HANDBALL
Why watch: Because what other sport combines basketball, football, rugby, league, American football, wrestling, ice hockey, field hockey, and volleyball? It's like waterpolo with the tide out. It's a true mongrel of a sport and a thrill to watch.
How to win: You
leap, and while defying gravity, you throw, you score. Goal!
Reigning Olympic champions: Croatia (men); Denmark (women).
SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING
Why watch: Yes, it is a sport rather than a performing art. So marvel at the ballerinas of the pool as they bob upside down like beautiful buoys and dive like dolphins, all the while holding their breathe and smiling. Talk about twisting by the pool.
How to win: Take a deep breath, don't stop smiling whatever you do, and swoon like a graceful swan. Routines are scored out of 100, with 60 per cent artistic impression and 40 per cent technical.
Reigning Olympic champions: Teams - Russia; Duet - Russia.
SLALOM KAYAK
Why watch: Forget the grace of most other water sports. Slalom kayak is about brute strength, nerves of steel, devilish control, and a hard head. Rocks hurt.
How to win: Negotiate 20 to 25 gates in turbulent rapids on a 300-metre course in the shortest possible time. Simple. Although, if you touch a gate there's a two second penalty and if you miss a gate, go through it upside-down or in the wrong order, there's a 50 second penalty.
Reigning Olympic champions: Mens singles - Benoit Peschier (France); womens singles - Elena Kaliska (Slovakia).
BEACH VOLLEYBALL
Why watch: Because it's the Victoria's Secret fashion show of the Olympics - something for the guys and girls - only the players don't throw a tanty when they get sand stuck in their briefs.
How to win: Wear next to nothing, keep the ball off the sand and over the net, and spike with stealth. Reigning Olympic champions: USA (women); Brazil (men)
WEIGHTLIFTING
Why watch: The build-up is just as riveting as the lift. To fire themselves up they snort stuff, huff and puff, and slap themselves on the chest and cheeks. Then they chalk up their hands, stride on stage, bend their knees, and lift as veins pop in their temple. The big boys and girls are great to watch but seeing a little 56kg bloke lift three times his weight is something to behold.
How to win: Bend your knees (always bend your knees), and lift. Warning: Don't forget to let go of the bar - unlike the late Graham May, the Kiwi Commonwealth Games gold medallist who famously toppled over during competition with the bar crashing on to the judges' table in front of the stage.
Reigning Olympic champion: Dmitry Berestov (Russia) in the 105kg class.
Five sports needing some tweaks for greater TV viewing
FENCING
What's needed: Take off those full-faced masks, draw a pencil thin moustache above your pursed upper lip, don some pantaloons and a dashing cap, and make like Errol Flynn. En garde! Whoever's packing a gun - we refer to the best gag in the first Indiana Jones film - is almost certain of gold.
Reigning Olympic champions: Sabre men - Aldo Montano (Italy); sabre women - Mariel Zagunis (US).
10M AIR PISTOL
What's needed: A little more heavy metal on the loudspeaker at the rifle range for starters. Then line us up some Lion Red bottles and baked beans cans will ya, because that's what we practise on down here in NZ.
Reigning Olympic champions: Men - Yifu Wang (China); Women - Olena Kostevych (Ukraine).
CROSS COUNTRY MOUNTAIN BIKING
What's needed: Though the 4.3km circuit has enough cameras installed along the course to capture all the action, what would be better is if they really got out into the country. Maybe navigate a perilous section of the Great Wall or get out there in the bamboo, with extra points for panda spotting.
Reigning Olympic champions: Men - Julien Absalon (France); women - Gunn-Rita Dahle (Norway).
ARCHERY
What's needed: A director such as Chinese film maker Zhang Yimou to come in and turn the archery range into a film set with wave after wave of swarming arrows like in his 2002 film Hero. Then, at the wrap party the archers are allowed to line their coaches up with apples on their heads and revisit the William Tell tale.
Reigning Olympic champions: 70m men - Marco Galiazzo (Italy); 70m women - Sung Hyun Park (Korea).
TAEKWONDO
What's needed: One guy in white pyjamas versus 50 other guys in suits in a Beijing back alley followed by a kidnapping and a car chase. Perhaps Zhang could direct this too?
Reigning Olympic champions: 80kg men - Dae Sung Moon (Korea).