OPINION
Welcome back to episode 2 of Celebrity Treasure Island, where we learn Tohorā captain Matilda Green is a team player … or is she?
Could the nation’s sweetheart have a dark side? Outrageous, not a chance. But just like Taika Waititi with any Marvel movie, Green has a plan and absolutely no one knows what it is – perhaps not even her.
Returning from the Captains Coup, the media personality reveals that her win comes in the form of an advantage allowing her to swap a player in an elimination round. It’s powerful but not too powerful so, instead of keeping it to herself, she shares it with the team, giving them a false sense of comradery. Gaslight, gatekeep, girl boss.
It’s an extremely different vibe at team zero per cent body fat, aka Kārearea, as actress Miriama Smith guides them through an hour-long yoga session, making me feel like a lazy piece of – and the star of this show is actor Blair Strang, who struggles to hold his balance and easily becomes the most relatable celebrity in the show.
Zen vibes disappear faster than Strang’s downward dog as Tohorā are summoned for their first charity challenge, in which the team have to wrangle “sheep”, aka massive Swiss balls covered in cotton, into a sheep pen with their hands tied behind their backs. It’s exactly what you would expect from team fun.
It comes down to David (comedian James Mustapic) and Goliath (league legend Steve Price). Mustapic bounces off the league star with a “shoulder bash” like the svelte battler he is. But ultimately Price takes out the $5000 for his chosen charity, the Child Cancer Foundation.
Over at Kārearea, some sneaky business is taking place: crafty villain-in-the-making Eli Matthewson has snuck away for a hui with mental health advocate Jazz Thornton.
Agreeing to an informal alliance, the former Dancing With The Stars contestants are getting a 10/10 for their tango – until Matthewson hints to the confession cam about a pre-existing alliance: “I’m trying not to give too much information away about things like my relationship with Laura.”
I’m on the floor, I’m too stunned to speak. Matthewson, you are naughty for this.
The “Laura” in question is the one, the only, comedian Laura Daniel, who is part of the opposing team Tohorā. There is scheming, there is a strategy and the producers decide that is actually too much tea for us because, before we can get the details, we’re at the team face-off.
And a hipster delight appears to be up for grabs – lord knows that oat milk and rye are not surviving in the Central Otago heat.
The obstacle course, complete with a catapult, proves tricky for literally everyone but it’s the final few minutes that leave the castaways too stunned to speak. Activist and artist Tāme Iti takes his turn to catapult a sandbag onto the tower for Tohorā – everyone except him is nervous.
“I wasn’t in a rush, I’ve got the breathing, I’ve got the wind behind me,” he says, which feels exactly like what I say when I’m battling through that first summer run.
Attempting the catapult a few times and missing, Iti takes his shirt off and begins a karakia. Kārearea’s musical theatre star Nick Afoa is mesmerised and I can’t explain any of this, but it obviously works because next thing you know the sandbag is on the top of the tower and Afoa is none the wiser.
Like a bee to the honeypot, the entire Tohorā team embrace their elder while Kārearea clap in what may be the first-ever happy defeat. Actress Miriama Smith even says: “I reckon there’ll be a whole lotta people jumping out their La-Z-Boy’s watching him slam dunk that pretty little thing. It was awesome.”
But then things get far too real, reality hits and Kārearea realise Captain Green is in charge of their fate, with one of her team members and one of theirs going up in an elimination round tonight. It hits hard for many but not as much as for Matthewson.
“I’m the lead character in my own movie so I’m constantly thinking ‘God yeah, it’s probably me’, it’s all about me, but it’s not.” Nothing truer has ever been said on Treasure Island. This is self-awareness, people, take notes.
Over at Tohorā, emotions are at an all-time high and I get defensive as my favourite child, Mustapic, is in tears believing it is he who Green will put up in the elimination.
Explaining his lifelong battle with anxiety, he tells the confession cam: “I’ll feel so embarrassed if I go home. I feel like when the pressure’s on, I’ll be so shit.”
It’s all too heartbreaking and makes you want to wrap him in cotton wool like an A-class helicopter parent but, even though he calls it “tragic”, I say it’s iconic. Let’s not forget that last season’s teary treasure hunter walked away with the $100k, babes.
After spending the afternoon deliberating, Green ultimately reveals her decision for the elimination battle to be Kārearea’s Jazz Thornton competing for the Voices of Hope foundation against Tohorā's Grant Lobban, who is competing for Mental Health Foundation NZ.
Revealing herself as the potential villain to watch this season, Green tells the confession cam: “I feel like we can afford to lose Grant at this point and, if Grant beats Jazz, then we have a strong team and it knocks out a competitor for me.”
I’ll say it again for the people in the back – she looks cute but she’s going to cause chaos.
In what Lobban describes as a “very simple game of rolling a ball and building a tower”, he appears to be taking the lead. In fact, he’s so calm absolutely no one is quaking in their boots except for Kārearea.
But then, call the chiropractor because a major plot twist results in a neck snap as Thornton takes the lead and then the windy win and Lobban is heading home. I’ll leave Mustapic to explain the rest.
“Grant is taking it like a champ. If it had been me I would have been bloody bawling my eyes out going, ‘Please don’t make me leave’.”
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
The Kiwi actor has been part of the Star Wars universe for more than 20 years.