The comedian started throwing out some heat during his challenge against Matt Gibb. Video / TVNZ
OPINION
Day four on the island and we start things off with a big old smash.
“Steve bloody Price!” we hear Tohorā's Laura Daniel shout. Of course, Mr Price, the man, the myth, the bulky league legend, is the culprit. “What have you done. Steve?” Our loveable comedian investigates andreveals an inevitable act.
He’s broken a bed, and no, it wasn’t because he was jumping up and down celebrating the great water trough challenge victory - the man himself defies engineering. It seems Treasure Island’s budget, while large enough to commission multiple helicopters in episode one, is not large enough to find a bed made out of something more than leftover firewood. Sigh.
Better to be breaking beds than hearts, Steve. Photo / TVNZ
Fortunately, before we can fill out an OSH form, our attention is turned to something even more dangerous; an alliance.
While Daniel and her teammate comedian James Mustapic are on their hot-girl walk, they come across Kārearea’s comedian Eli Matthewson and actress Courtney Dawson hiding in a bush.
Scandal! I cannot possibly imagine what’s happening here.
Matthewson and Dawson reveal they have a plan that will benefit not one, not even two, but four people, and it starts with Tohorā throwing today’s challenge and ends with Mustapic becoming captain. It’s clever, it’s conniving, it’s ticking all the Treasure Island boxes, and I, for one, am hooked.
It’s also the ideal situation for day-one Mustapic, who wanted to be captain so he could “send other b**ches up for elimination” - but it seems day-four Mustapic is a new man.
He’s levelled up, he is wise, he is a seasoned game player, and he thinks maybe he doesn’t want that target on his back.
“Okay, all right, why’s that?” he hesitantly asks Kārearea’s sneaky yet fabulous twosome. And it’s then that they reveal their ultimate talent - they can offend and compliment all in one breath.
“Your name came up,” Dawson says, pointing to Daniel, “and everyone was immediately like, ‘No, too big of a threat’,” she and Matthewson agree. It’s the exact moment you tell your new friend you can’t stand people who go to Les Mills, before spotting the Les Mills tag on their key chain.
Mood. Photo / TVNZ
Thankfully, it (mostly) goes over Mustapic’s head as he’s far too focused on deciding whether or not he wants captaincy. Speaking to the confession cam, he ponders, “I don’t really - well, do I? I don’t really want to be captain because it seems too much pressure, but I also don’t want to be eliminated, so I’d also like that power and get a bit of screen time.”
I have the same thought process when I’m deciding if I want to start drama in the family group chat - Mum, I know my brother is the favourite, stop lying.
Before we can dabble further in the fabulous four’s alliance, it’s on to the team face-off. Today they must each push on a large dial - which has water running through it - and try to fill up their cart. Whichever cart has the most water in it after two minutes wins.
Personally, I would dramatically fall over and pretend I’ve sprained my ankle to get out of it, but it’s the delicious (cold) fish and chips, fishing equipment and Captain’s Coup prize that gives the castaways the incentive to live their best work-hard, play-hard life.
Immediately no. Photo / TVNZ
Midway through the competition, Tohorā's Matt Gibb goes up against opposing castaway Matthewson, and holy heka, this is where the challenge really reaches it’s peak.
Gibb is winning. He’s got plenty of water landing in his cart while Matthewson is struggling - until, suddenly, he’s been replaced by Superman himself, and I jump out of my seat as the comedian startles me with his massive roar.
Pushing on the wooden dial, the star grunts and channels his inner winner - he’s throwing out some serious testosterone, his thighs are so big they would petrify Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it’s with this strength he serves a slay-worthy moment. “I got you, Squirt,” he threateningly yells at his opponent.
Thigh god, sponsored by F45. Photo / TVNZ
“He starts throwing out some heat,” a terrified Gibb tells the confession cam. “He also starts throwing out some offensive slurs about my former children’s television show, Squirt,” he reveals in horror.
After a tense couple of minutes and two remeasures, Matthewson takes out the win and wants to thank one person and one person only - Beyonce. Why? No idea, but it feels right. Thick thighs save lives, people.
Kārearea wins the face-off and I’ve never seen Vandermade more drunk on power. Earning some fish and chips, he also gets to decide who is going up against Green in tonight’s Captain’s Coup, and it honestly feels like watching a medieval film, but instead of a crown, there’s an upturned bucket hat.
Over at Tohorā, Mel Homer is having a moment of her own as she finally realises what the clue she won in the elimination battle means.
It's a series of fortunate events for Mel Homer. Photo / TVNZ
“Crimson I am born, yellow I dance, ebony I die,” the clue says, and Homer realises it’s in reference to the fire. Immediately, she knows she needs to get to the fire pit - without the rest of her team. “Someone’s always messing in that firepit, there’s always someone there, so if I get everyone down to the lake to get the net in, I can scurry back up,” she schemes.
In a feat that was harder than hearing sheep, she finally gets some alone time at the firepit and finds an advantage, and oh boy, it’s juicy. So juicy, in fact, she can’t even share it with us or her team, so naturally, I’ve lost interest.
At the Captain’s Coup, Vandermade has made a decision - with the help of Dawson and Matthewson’s manipulation, yet non-manipulation - and reveals it will be Mustapic going up against Green.
It’s a game of guessing which celebrity this headline is about and results in the comedian following in the shoes of Green as he forgets a castaway’s name. But he’s beauty and he’s grace, he’s Miss United States, so Mustapic cannot be blamed. And despite the hiccup, he ends up taking out the win and becomes Tohorā's fresh new captain.
Well played, fab four, well played. In the words of Mustapic, we’ve officially entered our send “b**ches” home era.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
