OPINION
With two episodes left in this season - one if you don’t count tonight’s - the celebrations are in full swing, not just at my house, but also Courtney Dawson’s luxurious yurt.
Enjoying some accommodation fit for a king (if that king was a Treasure Island castaway and had just spent three weeks in rural New Zealand), she’s absolutely all of us upon walking into a five-star hotel. Mini-bar? Raided. Bed? Jumped on. Bath? Bubbled.
Meanwhile, things couldn’t be more different at Camp Weka, as James Mustapic, Nick Afoa and Turia Schmidt-Peke are enjoying their last breakfast of beans on rice ever. The only thing delicious about it is Afoa’s grand idea to read the book that was there when they first arrived.
Telling the story of how the treasure was hidden, it provokes some thoughts for Mustapic, who is 100 per cent over his island boy life. He tells the confession cam, “I’m not very good with riddles, I’m not very good with puzzles. I’m like, ‘Just tell it to me straight, where the hell is the treasure?’”
It clearly ticked a box for the producers, as they quickly usher everyone off to their first challenge of the day, which sees the trio run through an obstacle course, collect eight balls one at a time and place them on a tipping maze. Whoever gets all the balls in the right spots first wins a spot in the top three.
The stakes have never been higher, and boy, does it show as Schmidt-Peke hurls a cheeky insult at our beloved (and speedy) dictator Mustapic. “He’s like a possum that we had at camp.”
But he’s not furry with beady eyes, he’s an agile god, and he tells the confession cam, “I’m going for it, I’m grabbing those balls like there’s no tomorrow”, and it certainly pays off, as he secures the win and a spot in the final three.
“I just have felt like I’m not good enough so many times in this competition, and I feel so happy that I’ve proven myself today, I’m so happy, this is like a dream come true,” he says, while I grab my 100th box of tissues. God damn you, Treasure Island.
Elsewhere, Dawson is given a super-sneaky scroll telling her to head to a challenge where she has the chance to win a final advantage for the upcoming treasure hunt - the ability to steal a playing card from another castaway.
Remember those risque Daisy Jones-style playing cards? The ones with the cowgirls in their hot-girl era? Yeah, well, turns out they have more power than Weet-Bix Stat Attack cards at Kiwi primary schools and allow castaways to stop another player in their tracks for five minutes during the final treasure hunt.
And just like your 5-year-old brother, Dawson wants them all.
Explaining the challenge to Dawson and Mustapic, host Jayden Daniels reveals the pair have to hold on to a post that has small ridges for their fingers and toes. The one who holds on the longest wins, and Mustapic is no longer feeling agile. “This is my worst nightmare,” he tells the confession cam.
Climbing on to the post, the pair are focused on winning, but as we know, it isn’t always about the destination, sometimes it’s about the journey - and this journey was one Schmidt-Peke thoroughly enjoyed.
Watching her comedian pal Mustapic make a series of uncomfortable yet extremely relatable faces, she says, “I’m trying my hardest not to laugh,” adding, “James is - he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met in my life, and honestly, I’ve got the giggles.”
No truer thing has ever been said on Treasure Island. Mustapic is an icon, a legend, and it’s no surprise TVNZ has already signed him on for another show, but no amount of funny faces can save him and he slowly slides to his doom, allowing Dawson to take out the win.
Dawson steals a sassy playing card from Afoa and our two confirmed finalists head off to their luxurious accommodation, where she introduces Mustapic to her friends Manny the Mango and Apple Corpse Bride.
It’s a moment that proves Mustapic is a true friend, as instead of looking at her like she’s lost the plot, he’s in full support of her delusions.
Just kidding, he says it’s “deeply unsettling” - but Dawson and Apple Corpse Bride win him over and they enter la-la land together. After a brief dancing break, they sit down to discuss who is going to win the next challenge, and while they desperately want it to be Schmidt-Peke, Mustapic believes it could be Afoa.
“Nick, he’s so fit, he’s so nice, he’s got about 20 clues,” he says, and is he wrong? Nah.
While our two finalists are enjoying everything the yurt has to offer, Afoa and Schmidt-Peke have arrived at their final elimination battle, where they are told they must aim and fire a slingshot at the many paper targets of their opponent’s face. The last one with an intact photo of their face wins.
It was clearly created by someone who used that exact method to get over a break-up, so naturally, I must respect it.
Battling against each other as well as the very strong winds, Schmidt-Peke takes out the win as she goes to meet Mustapic and Dawson, who scream louder than a bunch of 12-year-old Beliebers.
“I’m extremely happy to be here - always hoped I would be in the final three. It’s full-on. I feel like I’m feeling too much right now, and nothing at the same time,” she tells the confession cam.
We’re stoked, we’re clapping, and we realise it doesn’t matter who wins tomorrow because this final three is for the girls and the gays only, but in the midst of celebrating, we fall off the couch while desperately trying to grab the tissues as we realise it’s time to bid an emotional goodbye to Afoa.
“Seventeen days has all just come to an end right now,” he tells the confession cam, fighting back tears. “I really wanted to race for that treasure tomorrow, so that’s gutting, but I guess I’m thinking about everything that has happened, that I’ve learned. I don’t even know if I can put that into words now, I just know that it’s a good feeling. There’s only one winner and it wasn’t me today, so I’m at peace with that.”
It’s a standing ovation for Afoa, who proves he doesn’t need to be Simba to win a place in our hearts.
Back at the yurt, our final three are celebrating the win. “We’re friends today and tomorrow we’re competitors,” Dawson tells the confession cam, and in the words of Kirsten Dunst in the year 2000, Bring It On.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, at 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
The Kiwi actor has been part of the Star Wars universe for more than 20 years.