The Bachelor(ette) has entered the building. Photo / TVNZ
REVIEW:
The Celebrity Treasure Island producers have planted one of their most cunning schemes on the island tonight and it's going to "change everything".
What is it, you ask? Well, Dame Susan Devoy is gutted because it's not a toilet. It's just a boring giant box.
Or is it?
The huge stone monolith has a big Treasure Island-style surprise in it and I'm quickly casting my mind back to last year for hints as to what it could be. But I'm at a loss. One thing is for sure though, this season is bonkers, so expect the unexpected.
Mangō kick us off tonight with Ron Cribb telling his alliance buds Karen O'Leary and Perlina Lau he is going to touch base with Courtenay Louise and find out where her head is at. But what he really means is he is going to try to take away her captaincy if she isn't on the same page as him.
It's all very sneaky.
They have a very passive-aggressive chat on the rocks and realise they both have an alliance with Kuaka's Jesse Tuke and Dylan Schmidt. So Cribb tucks away his captaincy advantage. For now at least.
I feel Louise's pain when she realises she is aligned with all males. The Shorty Street actress is clever, though, and I think I can smell a plan brewing.
On another side of the island, Kuaka's Shimpal Lelisi – also known as Shim Shady – and Devoy have expanded their morning coffee club to include Melodie Robinson.
Unfortunately, we have to cut the alliance chat now because I'm super confused. If one more alliance is formed I will need a flow chat because they all seem to be interlinked and the one common denominator is Cribb.
The man is an All Black legend and you know what they say about rugby lads: Once a player, always a player.
Today's team challenge is one of my favourites, mainly because Mangō's Elvis Lopeti is proving that he doesn't care who you are or how beloved you may be. He only cares about winning.
The aim of the game is to balance on a see-saw, place a ball on one side and pray to the Treasure Island gods it doesn't fall out when you're getting back to the other side.
Lopeti figures out a tactical manoeuvre and Cribb takes note, trying to do the same. But he's made the mistake of wearing tight shorts and holy, I've never seen someone so enraged about a former All Black wearing tight shorts.
"Ron, this challenge contains splitting you a** in half so make sure when you wear shorts you wear baggy shorts so that you can stretch your damn legs open," Lopeti exclaims to the confession cam as he sasses out Cribb.
Mangō eventually takes out the win, earning themselves some fish and chips.
It's something Kuaka's Siobhan Marshall isn't envious of though.
"If I had won the fish and chips I would have had the worst sore stomach and been in the loo all night so I'm really stoked I didn't win it because I would have eaten it all and been so sick," she tells the confession cam, spitting straight facts.
Us Kiwis like to ignore a lot of issues and one of them is the consequences of fish and chips. Thank god for Marshall.
Now this is where the episode gets a little confusing. Enter the Treasure Island X Bachelor cross-over.
I'll set the scene: The waves are crashing, the sun is shining and all the abs are glistening.
Mangō's Louise, Lopeti and Joel Rindelaub are slaying that beach catwalk. They are made for Baywatch. It is their world and we're just living in it. Meanwhile, Kuaka's Schmidt lives in ignorant bliss, unaware of the pervy eyes watching his every move.
If Schmidt was a dog he would be a golden retriever. I don't have time to get into it but trust me.
It's now that his best bud Tuke takes the opportunity to tell the team Schmidt is going to be the next Bachelor … well, that's what the recently departed Cassie Roma thought anyway.
"She saw me walking up the beach and she's like, 'yeah that strut up the beach, you're the next Bachelor.' I was like, 'yeah they're usually tall,'" Schmidt chuckles as he lands himself right in the middle of a Q&A with team mate Robinson.
"What's your height restriction on the woman you're going to date?" she questions him.
"I'd probably say low 170s, low to mid 170s max," he quips back and the team jokester, Tuke, pipes up from his captain's chair.
"Look, I love everything about you but you're just a millimetre too tall for me," says Tuke, provoking laughs all round.
It might have been a well-timed joke but as someone currently out in the dating field, it's so true it actually hurts a bit.
Over at Mangō, the team vote for former Shortland Street star, Lynette Forday, who is competing for Sticks 'N' Stones, to go up against Devoy, who is competing for The Aunties. Louise wants to make sure Forday feels okay about this because it's giving big sacrificial lamb energy.
Forday would prefer to go up against Lelisi but Cribb says no. Ugh. Boys' Club sucks.
"I hate that I'm protecting all these males but realistically this is what I need to further my game so right now I have to not risk them," Louise tells the confession cam.
Surprise surprise, the elimination is a big puzzle. Louise decides to go ahead and put Kuaka's former world squash champion, Devoy, against Forday.
Ultimately Devoy takes out the win but Forday has a parting message for her frenemy: "Susan, you might think you've won but I am leaving here much stronger and much more convinced of my worth so I'm walking away the winner."
We say goodbye to the iconic, sparkly scarf queen and prepare ourselves for tomorrow and what host Matt Chisholm promises to be such a big twist that it will change everything the celebs thought they knew about the game.
Ooh la la.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30pm on TVNZ2 and TVNZ +.