Book ban proves it: we're not safe

There's a distinct red peak imagery to Little Red Riding Hood, which everyone knows is subversive. Photo / iStock

From Into The River to Little Red Riding Hood, there's much to disapprove of.

In the week the Queen became the longest-serving UK monarch, New Zealand offered up its own tribute to 1952, with the censorship review board slapping a ban on selling or distributing the young adult novel Into the River, winner of the 2013 NZ Post Children's Book Award.

As its author, Ted Dawe, noted, it is the first book to be banned since How to Build a Bazooka.

The interim ban pending a review follows a request from Bob McCoskrie of Family First, who objects to the "sex acts, coarse language and scenes of drug-taking". He said: "Hopefully we have set a precedent and people start bringing other books to the fore that they are concerned about."

Good idea. Here, to the fore, some books and more that I am concerned about.

The Tiger Who Came to Tea
What kind of a mother allows a tiger into the house and lets it drink all her husband's beer, and what's really going on with the milkman? Ban it.

Little Red Riding Hood
Unaccompanied minors, flesh-eating wolves, impersonation, all sorts of strange psycho-sexual goings-on. There's distinct red peak imagery, too, which everyone knows is subversive.

The Bible
The good book contains a litany of gruesome violence, drug-taking and sex acts. Just for example, from Ezekiel, 23:20: "She lusted after their genitals - as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

And do you want your children reading this, from Deuteronomy 25:11-12? "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."

The internet
I haven't finished reading it but I've seen enough.

The works of Lorde
Blood stains? Trippin' in the bathroom? Trashin' the hotel room? Tigers on a gold leash? You may not care, young lady, but some of us jolly well do.

The New Zealand Herald
Just yesterday, the national paper covered matters including cyber-bullying, drunk driving, fractured eyesockets, alcohol, graffiti, Black Sabbath, LSD, strip clubs, the death and displacement of millions of people, and a book called Into the River.

Maurice Williamson
He should definitely no longer be booked for children's birthday parties but to be sure it will have to be a complete ban.

Parliament
Parliament TV might be slotted up the end of the channels with the pornography, but apparently anyone can watch it. That has to stop.

The All Blacks
For spending a lot of time wearing nothing but underpants, for being coached by someone with the obscene nickname Shag, and for associating with Parliament.

The flag debate
Squint hard enough and they all look as though they're full of genitalia. Red Peak sounds like a high-security orgasm.

Ponytails
Much too tantalising.

Silence
Silence is a great big invitation to perversion. Before you know it imaginations run wild, filthy thoughts springing up like sparrows.