The horrors of a toxic, thieving partner dawned on her - then the scale of the financial damage became clear. Photo / NZME
It started as the stuff of dreams.
Flowers were delivered, romantic dinner dates beckoned, and he seemed to be great with her kids.
"At first he was very loving, caring, all of that sort of stuff. The first three months I was swept off my feet."
But soon after the lavish displays of attention and affection, Jenny* says another side of the boyfriend emerged.
Jenny says her boyfriend took control of her finances, and her life.
"Unfortunately, I got very, very sick. He swooped in ... He told me he was going to take care of everything, take care of me and my family."
And advocates for financial abuse survivors say the type of suffering Jenny experienced is more common than many people would like to admit.
"He was very forceful, didn't care about repercussions. He went from Prince Charming to the devil."
Jenny says she'd wake up in the middle of the night to her partner saying she was a bad mother.
"I was physically unable to do a lot. He came in and took over the bills, took control of my life."
She says her partner was hyper-critical but was using as much of her money as he could.
And she says the partner told her she was a "drug addict" because of the medication she needed - but he was using methamphetamine.
"We both got cellphones together which was $5000. I was paying ... He just racked up the charges."
She says her partner incurred big mobile data fees from downloading porn.
"The guy I'd fallen for was destroying me. I'm pretty damn sure he wanted me dead."
Jenny says the boyfriend used her car frequently - and acquired debts that way too.
"I had $9000 worth of fines in my name, $9000 worth of speeding tickets. He kept them from me, so they all went to court - and I couldn't dispute them.
"He would take all the money. It was very hard because I was on medication.
"I've never experienced anything like this. I've always had great relationships. I had been a very strong person. I used to have a very strong sense of myself."
After the relationship ended, the emotional wreckage was clear.
Then the scale of the financial damage became clearer, and Jenny found herself $38,000 in debt.
"I'm slowly building back up but that financial sense of things destroyed me," she says.
"I changed phone numbers, I blocked everything. I've battled through it and done my best to pay it off. I paid the phones off and I was paying Spark off. I've just been trying my hardest to work through it."
Jenny also worked with the Good Shepherd charity, a social lender which helps women and families build healthy financial relationships.
Good Shepherd held discussions with banks and with the DebtManagers debt recovery agency for survivors of abusive relationships.
Jenny and Good Shepherd worked with ASB bank to build a better debt repayment system.
Debts could be consolidated into manageable amounts so people in situations such as Jenny's could more easily pay money owed.
Jenny says she's speaking out because she wants to help other people trapped in a similar situation.
Nicola Eccleton, Good Shepherd social inclusion manager, says new insights about the nuances of financial abuse are constantly emerging.
"What we know about financial violence and coercion and control and abuse is: People use whatever tools they have available to inflict abuse," Eccleton says.
"More than 90 per cent of people who are being physically abused are also being financially abused."
Eccleton says some people incorrectly think financial abuse is mostly a problem in poorer neighbourhoods.
"You'd be astounded at the number of people in the financial sector who disclosed: 'It happened to me'."
Eccleton recounted a story from a former colleague who worked with abusive men.
"He said: 'Poor men don't have money so they use their fists. Wealthy men use their credit cards'."
She adds: "Part of the work is starting to educate the creditors a little. Women are much more likely to try and repay debt ... They're a little bit more invested in the financial stability."
"Trying to support yourself and kids, that's something you'd be pretty invested in," says Ang Jury, National Collective of Independent Women's Refuges chief executive.
She says financial abuse victims are frequently kept in the dark about mortgages, partners' financial situations, and other domestic financial realities.
Jury says partners like Jenny's ex were clearly abusive.
"It is scamming and it's scamming that is happening within the relationship. It is really insidious, very pernicious."
She says financial abuse victims should get legal advice, such as from a community law centre.
"We would be encouraging them to engage with a lawyer really as quickly as they can, to actually start trying to insulate themselves in some way from the damage."
*The name has been changed to protect safety
Good Shepherd: Resources and information on economic harm: goodshepherd.org.nz
• Women's Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 refuge or 0800 733 843 www.womensrefuge.org.nz
• Shine, free national helpline 9am- 11pm every day - 0508 744 633 www.2shine.org.nz
• It's Not Ok: Information line 0800 456 450 www.areyouok.org.nz
• Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584
• Ministry of Justice: www.justice.govt.nz/family-justice/domestic-violence
• National Network of Stopping Violence: www.nnsvs.org.nz
• White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women. www.whiteribbon.org.nz
• Elder Abuse Response Service (EARS): 0800 32 668 65 (0800 EA NOT OK)
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