Q: I enjoy my work, but sometimes find myself trapped at lunch with colleagues who are nasty gossips or just too plain nosy for me. It’s all very high school, and we’re talking people in their 60s here! Maybe I am old-school, but I draw a strict line between my work and private life. One colleague relishes information about people’s private lives, which she repeats at work – truly nasty stuff. I try my best to avoid them but am sometimes trapped in the lunchroom and am asked pointed questions about my work schedule, etc. Any advice on a pat response that is cordial but also conveys, “Hey, this isn’t your concern” and also “gross!”? - Anonymous
A: I also feel sometimes as though “real life” is like high school. Sometimes the personal and professional politics of adulthood bear an uncanny resemblance to the years of mid- to late adolescence. At work, as in secondary school, information is often considered currency, even at the expense of others’ privacy and reputations. And there’s always that one person who asks too many questions for our own comfort, especially when we have ample evidence that she or he is likely to share our answers with others.
As for how to navigate this, you need to practise both acceptance and disengagement. There will always be some level of intrigue at work, but you are under no obligation to actively engage with it. Try to find a good reason to excuse yourself from certain conversations, or work to change the subject. I don’t know that any version of “this isn’t your concern” or “gross!” – however politely it is delivered – will do much good other than to further alienate you from your co-workers. (Side note: I don’t find it particularly intrusive that you’re being asked questions about your work schedule, but of course you’re not obligated to respond.)
A potentially tricky situation
Q: I work as a nurse manager at a large hospital. I’ve been in the role only about six months, so I’m still learning how to navigate the toxic leadership culture. I recently brought in a sticker I was very excited to put on the whiteboard by my desk. It says, “I had an abortion.” I wanted to put this up for two reasons. One is that I felt a lot of shame when I needed an abortion but slowly learned how many people I knew had been in the same spot. I’ve been very committed to openly claiming my abortion since then. The other reason is that the nurses who work for me are primarily women, and if/when any of them find themselves facing an unwanted pregnancy, I want them to know this is a safe space.
