Tips for Mother’s Day, post-separation - The Ex-Files with Jeremy Sutton

How to navigate Mother's day after a separation. Photo / 123RF

OPINION

Q: I separated from my wife nine months ago. We have two sons, aged 6 and 8. It is the first Mother’s Day since separation. The boys are scheduled to be in my care for the weekend, but their mother asked that they spend the day with her. I am a bit frustrated by the situation. I know it’s Mother’s Day, but I only get to see my sons every second weekend. My time with them is already scarce. I do not understand why she could not just celebrate the occasion early. Also, my extended family is having a catch-up that day to celebrate Mother’s Day and I would like the boys to attend. Their grandmother will be present and they have a special relationship with her too.

How do you suggest I respond to my ex-wife? Do you have any other tips for navigating Mother’s Day after separation?

Responding to your ex-wife

Your frustrations are understandable given the little time you have with your children. However, this is the first Mother’s Day since your separation, so it is likely particularly difficult for your ex-wife. Showing some flexibility in the parenting arrangements would show goodwill. It would also be reassuring for your children who, at ages 6 and 8, will likely be aware of the day on which Mother’s Day falls and may have prepared cards/crafts in preparation for this at school.

Your children’s relationship with your extended family is also important though, so it would be preferable if they could attend your family event as well as see their mother that day.

There is no one “correct” response, but you could propose the children attend your extended family event and then spend the remainder of the day with her. Some lawyers might suggest you request that she allow you to make up the lost time the following weekend. However, arrangements could become overly complicated if lost time must be “made up” after every special occasion.

Tips for navigating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day after separation

1. If possible, show some flexibility in the care arrangements so the child can spend time with the other parent. This signals goodwill in the relationship with your ex-spouse or partner. This could also be fostered by encouraging the children to make cards or gifts for the other parent.
2. If the other parent is unwilling to be flexible, then consider celebrating early instead of not at all. This is a celebration for the children as well as the parent. They should not miss out because their parents have separated.
3. If your relationship with your ex-spouse or partner is strained or communication is difficult, then consider recording arrangements for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day (and other special occasions) in a parenting plan. The more specific the better: the plan could specify what times the children are to be in the other parent’s care and who will transport the children. It could state the parent who has “lost time” to accommodate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is to have additional time with the children later.
4. If you and your ex-partner or spouse simply cannot agree on arrangements, then you could enlist the help of a mediator through Family Dispute Resolution (FDR). A trained independent mediator will work with the two of you to try to facilitate an agreement.
5. The children’s relationships with both sets of extended families are also important on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, so consider encouraging the children to telephone their grandmothers and grandfathers.

Jeremy Sutton is a barrister and family lawyer at Bastion Chambers.