Sasha Borissenko gives a rundown of the feeding habits of the capital's lawyers. Photo / Getty Images
OPINION:
There's nothing I prefer than poking fun at the daily rituals of New Zealand's lawyers. Today, let's explore the Wellington social scene. A social directory, if you will.
Breakfast
Whether they are hungover, or insufferably enthusiastic about exercise, you'll typically find the legally inclined outside Lambton Quay's Seize indulging in a breakfast of vegan eggs with thyme, tofu, shallots (steeped in canola oil) and paleo toast, or with a Tank juice in hand. It is no surprise to suggest that lawyers, who take "practising well" very seriously, are eager to fuel the Type A model by cracking into the day bright and early.
The cluster of misery, be it Les Mills Lambton Quay, CityFitness, Habit Health, Results Room, Studio 41, and Conquer Health and Fitness, for example, are perfectly positioned in what shall henceforth be described as the "lawyer precinct".
Lunch
Whether it's food from Woodward St's Chef's Palette, or the plethora of sushi outlets that Wellington has to offer, lawyers of the corporate variety can be found gallivanting around Wellington's legal "watering hole", otherwise known as Midland Park.
Not surprising, seeing as Deloitte, DLA Piper, Russell McVeagh, Minter Ellison Rudd Watts, Simpson Grierson, Duncan Cotterill, Kensington Swan, Morrison Kent, Buddle Findlay, Chen Palmer, IPLS, the New Zealand Law Society and six pages worth of google map suggestions dominate the Bermuda Triangle of the yuppie world.
This diverse range of lawyers are attracted to Midland Park rain or shine: for explanation no respectable lawyer (irrespective of salary) will find themselves situated in the warmth and comfort of any nearby food court - even despite the free wifi!
It's no surprise lawyers who love a good cup of Joe froth at the mouth with all the great varieties "the coffee capital of the country" has to offer.
Mojo - either at the waterfront, in the Old Bank Arcade or next to Bowen House - offers a fine flat white coupled with fizzy water on tap.
Bottomless filter coffee is currently "on trend" and can be sourced at Neo Cafe on Willis St, or you can buy your own piece of hardware at Coffee Supreme, which used to be situated next to New Zealand's "national treasure" Astoria, RIP - famous for its mediocre paninis, cheese rolls, and providing a platform for not-so-secret meetings.
"Ladies who lunch" can be found near the civic square area to dine at either Te Kouka, Nikau, or Pravda. For your classic pinstripe lawyer who loves to travel, pop into Louis Sergeant for a faux European sojourn.
Moving on, criminal barristers can be found at the Old Bailey during all hours of the day - where spirits are high and the grog is cheap. With their $4 breakfasts, law students bunking classes tend to similarly congregate to hear tales of ye olde days from silks: where frequenting the Wellington Club was more than just myth; when they weren't worrying about paying off their overheads; and Bazley was nothing more than a quilt-pattern knock-off.
And rest assured, despite the Old Bailey being situated next to the courts, there's no WorkSafe issue, because no "fit and proper" person would dare indulge in a "liquid lunch" during court recess.
Dinner
Presuming young legal professionals are in the throes of hell, I mean, accounting for their six-minute blocks by working all hours of the day - only the legal elite have the time, funds and culture to indulge in Wellington's opulent restaurants.
Of the barristers and partners that grace Wellington's streets, Logan Brown is an obvious choice with its fine selection of [230] wines, wild meats and truffles a la carte. Charley Noble is a close second, where you can get beer-battered fish and chips for $29.
After-hours
Now for the debauchery. At one end of Lambton Quay you could find yourself running into the odd bureaucrat, an in-house lawyer, a judge, or their slaves, I mean clerks, around Molesworth St while they're en route to Parliament, the Court of Appeal, the Wellington High Court or the Ministry of Justice. Political nuts naturally flock to The Backbencher for a pint of Dunedin's finest beers or to pine for the show Back Benches to come back.
There's the Wellington waterfront, which is wonderful in theory but unbearably windy most of the time. There you can find Foxglove, which is a perfect destination for your average in-house or associate commercial lawyer who is partial to purple/brown hues, soft lighting and velvet interiors.
Despite the high percentage of hipsters in Wellington, no lawyer in their right mind wants to affiliate with "those people" so they stay clear of bars that fly the hoppy micro-brew flag.
Instead, you can locate the finest of whiskeys for an Old Spice-loving silk at, Lulu Bar, Puffin, or Ascot.
Because I've made an attempt to extend beyond the lawyer precinct, I'll leave it there.
• If you've got any tips, legal tidbits, or appointments that might be of interest, please email Sasha - on sasha.borissenko@gmail.com