For those who are currently assessing their options following our new business strategy - which is not a restructure, per se - we welcome any feedback, suggestions, questions, and applications for the proposed demotions. While the time taken to fight for your jobs is fruitless insofar as we’ve made our decision to disestablish key personnel across most areas - causing further stress on the already stressed workforce - it means we can be perceived as having followed due process.
While you haven’t signed any form of settlement agreement you are strictly forbidden to talk to anyone inside or outside of this organisation. Any conversation could be taken as slanderous by the partnership, and we all know how costly defamation cases can be to defend.
For the rest of you who aren’t in the trouble-makers we’re actively trying to manage out, we applaud you for your resilience through these trying times we created. Inflation is high, and profits lining the pockets of the partnership need to be higher. But remember, it’s a privilege and honour to slave away at Big Daddy Law Firm. If not for yourself, think of your LinkedIn profiles. And just look at our new premises in Big Bad City that cost a trillion dollars - it’s been making wonderful waves in the media, which is particularly resonating with our clients.
For those who are struggling to pay for the travel, professional attire, childcare, and rising living costs across the entire bloody board, our People, Culture, & Gaslighting Fluffy Ducks team has put together a list of unhelpful cost-cutting tips.
- Work clothing of a suitable quality can be purchased secondhand from your local charity shop - they’re cheap and you feel like you’re doing God’s work in the process.
- For the designer items we indirectly bullied you to purchase to ‘fit in’ many moons ago, or the furniture items you seldom see thanks to spending the majority of your life at your desk - why not try and sell those on Trade Me or Facebook Marketplace for a quick buck?
- For the clothing items that are worse for wear, why not dye them a different colour or go one step further and take up sewing clothes from curtains or linen in the style of The Sound of Music’s Julie Andrews?
- In line with our commitment to reducing climate change without doing anything tangible like going paper-free, we encourage you to cycle, roller skate, sea swim, or run frantically to work over paying exorbitant amounts on gas. These are also great ways to improve mental health (and thus productivity), exercise (and thus productivity), and our front-facing sustainability campaign.
- Dried legumes or canned food from budget brands are cheap, last a lifetime, and are delicious! There’s nothing like the nostalgia one feels for their student days when eating two-minute noodles as a thirty/forty-something.
- Nevertheless, saving costs shouldn’t be a problem because we provide catering for all of the after-hours work during evenings, early mornings, and weekends. Instead, might we suggest more time spent in the office.
- But please, for those who have opted to sleep under their desks or in the sickbay - please cease and desist immediately. We are not a hostel. We are also not a restaurant and this is a friendly reminder that tupperware or doggie bags of any kind are strictly prohibited. You’re professionals.
Not only do these suggestions fail to address the fact we don’t pay you what you’re worth, they will also require further non-work time and effort that you don’t have. If you do find yourself enjoying these life-hacks a little too much, please make sure they don’t impact your productivity levels during paid and non-paid time at the office. We must also remind you of your non-competition and conflict of interest clauses in your employment contracts that allow management to have a monopoly over your time and skillsets.
With the housekeeping out of the way, it’s time for the silly season. We hope you enjoyed this year’s charity voucher in lieu of a bonus. And thank you all for coming to last week’s Christmas party in the park. It was such a pity the weather failed us. But! The ‘no touchies’ policy is very much working thanks to our alcohol-and-fun-free policies of yesteryear that again, have not addressed the fact you can be inebriated while not sexually harassing anyone.
It’s thanks to your hard work that Big Daddy Law Firm exists, so we thank you. As a further thanks, managing partner extraordinaire, Brad Shmad, also wished to share his gratitude:
“Staff, I’m much too busy doing important things to email my underlings with niceties. What Lisa said. Brad.”
If you have any questions, the partners’ and Fluffy Ducks Team’s doors are always open. ‘Confidential’ information is power and we’d be nothing without you. Meri Kirihimete all.
Nga mihi,
Lucia Umbridge
People, Culture, & Gaslighting Fluffy Ducks Manager I Pronouns she/her on behalf of Brad Shmad I Managing Partner I Pronouns he/him
Level top floor of overpriced building in Big Bad City CBD, 88 Pleasantville, Private Bag 666.
*This column is entirely fictional
