Peter Bromhead: Courting controversy

Cartoon / Peter Bromhead

"You need to step up your game," advised the caregiver, noting the lack of controversial responses to my column. "Your problem is you're only churning out lightweight froth when readers are crying out for in-depth analysis on the future economic direction of superannuation policy."

As someone whose understanding of economics is limited to controlling pocket money to buy coffee, I'm clearly incompetent to rabbit on about fiscal matters.

However, mindful of the caregiver's comments, I consulted a former newspaper editor.

"Triggering reader response is easy," he suggested. "Just choose any subject where bewilderment reigns. In the old days, abortion, women's lib, sport with South Africa or galleries buying abstract paintings worked like clockwork.

"You could guarantee sackfuls of mail would start pouring in."

Following his advice, I've decided to focus on topics that might ignite controversy and reader reaction - such as debate on the national flag.

My first salvo is to suggest changing the existing design and flag material to a sheet of roofing corrugated iron, on the premise, as the Australian cartoonist Leunig put it succinctly, "because we've all fought under it at some stage of our married life".

The advantage of corrugated iron is that it never goes limp.

Imagine the psychological macho kudos we'll get when it's a windless day at the United Nations headquarters, and our national flag is the only emblem standing proud and fully erect.

For those wanting an iconic motif on the corrugations, there's a solution that acknowledges our infantile attraction for homespun decoration, thus ending all these tiresome arguments over silver ferns and stars.

My proposal is to invite an artist to graffiti some sort of Kiwiana imagery across our metal flag.

This type of creativity is best left to somebody who understands New Zealand's passion for grassroots symbolism, and I humbly suggest commissioning that well-known artist famed for his preoccupation with the dopey Four Square cartoon character to put the finishing touches to our new emblem - with perhaps a rendition of the grinning grocer in one corner and Buzzy Bees replacing the stars.

My second salvo to raise readers' ire will be released shortly, when I launch my controversial plan for a "flatulence tax" - not only on agricultural livestock, but more importantly, on the entire population.

Once again, this will present an opportunity to acquaint the world with our resourceful "Kiwi-can-do" approach to solving problems - even enigmatic celestial matters such as global warming.