Ads targeting the flaccid and flabby contained misleading and unsubstantiated claims, the Advertising Standards Authority has found.
M Barrie complained direct mail advertisements for Free Fucus weight loss patches and male arousal patches contained "pie in the sky promises" and were extremely misleading.
The weight loss patches claimed to be a "natural way to lose weight", with a concentrated fucus which is absorbed into the skin to ... burn excess fats and cholesterol even while you sleep".
Cursory research debunked those claims, M Barrie said.
On the same page was an ad for a patch which claimed to increase sex drive.
"This patch is advertised as scientifically developed but references no scientific information to support this claim," Mr Barrie said.
"No laboratory name is included, no study is referenced, not even a chemical name is mentioned."
Advertiser Quantium Solutions said in its defence only that its client had "no plans to feature the said advertisement at the moment".
The authority found the weight loss patch claims were "extravagant" and likely to mislead or deceive consumers.
The male arousal patches was misleading and contained unsubstantiated claims, it found.