Any Modern Spousal Unit working from home fears those words the most, because, dear reader: no domestic chore takes only five minutes.
This MSU never played a part in the Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner revolution, so with the Roborock S7 MaxV Ultra and DeebotX1 Plus, curiosity levels were high.
These bad robovacs are packed with tech: there's artificial intelligence/machine learning to map floors for efficient cleaning, LiDAR for distance detection, cameras to spot hindrances, and much more.
Both come with docking stations where the bot charges and empties the dirt; the Roborock can wet-mop floors with a 600 rpm attachment that lifts out of the way on carpet, which is filled up at the dock where the dirty water is emptied out as well.
Impressive, but the docks are big, and you really do want them to make the most out of both robovacs. Spare parts are available for the Robovac for five years minimum, and the Deebot two years after product end-of-life. That's an important consideration, as they cost $2697 and $2199 respectively, bundled with the docks.
You can use the vacuum bots by tapping the buttons on them, but apps are necessary to access all their features, and to upgrade firmware. Yes, it does mean creating accounts which are potential security hazards, just like many other smart home devices.
The newer and safer WPA3 authentication for Wifi is not supported by either robovac. This is annoying, as you have to drop your entire network down to the older and less secure WPA2 standard to connect the robovacs.
How do they clean then? Pretty well, actually. The Roborock has 5100 kiloPascal suction power, the Deebot 5000 kPa - not enough difference to matter.
Although it can't mop like the Roborock, the Deebot has a slight edge in its two brushes that pick up dirt in a single sweep, rather than requiring several runs. Set-and-forget vacuuming, though, is fantastic, and the two will easily do one regular-sized floor per charge.
They can also map multiple floors for navigation, and this is where their obvious design shortcomings become apparent. While neither fell down the stairs and died in a fiery crash, they can't scale up either, so a manual bot move is required.
Floors are the limit for the robovacs, and for that complete clean you want to supplement them with a stick vacuum like the new V15 Detect Absolute from Dyson.
The V15 is a great vacuum cleaner - as it should be for $1599 - but by now, the total cost of the devices had gone well beyond an opinion columnist's meagre earnings.
Roborock (black) and Deebot (silver). Photo / Juha Saarinen
Unlike the robovacs, the V15 doesn't connect to the internet and there's no app. It does have a green laser that lights up dusty bits you've missed, though. This doesn't have the power to zap them, but who wouldn't want a laser vacuum cleaner?
The particle size gauge, which measures particles and mites from 10 micrometres to 500, is interesting at first, and there's a HEPA filter to keep the dirt inside the V15. Neither the laser nor the particle size gauge are the killer features of the V15, however.
That honour goes to the Dyson pet grooming attachment.
This looks like an iron maiden-style spiky medieval torture instrument, and it was something of a fiasco at first.
See, Misty the Cat assesses vacuum cleaners on a scale from 1: sheer terror as the corded machine starts up, to 5: not going to wake up and move for that.
Both robovacs earned a Misty rating of 5. She ignored them, but sadly, did not jump on either for a ride, so no going viral on social media for me.
I made remote video calls to Misty with the Deebot and Roborock, and could see her through the cameras on each. The video calls confused Misty, as she heard my voice but did not see me, and couldn't quite figure out how this would lead her to be fed. Cats can be hopeless like that.
Misty rated Dyson's grooming attachment by itself as a 5, and she actually really liked being combed by it. Starting up the V15, the Misty rating rose to a 2, and she sauntered off to go and sleep elsewhere.
My mate Andy at Fetch Dog Walking came to the rescue, as dogs are more amenable to being vacuumed than cats. I now have a clear understanding of just how much fur a Golden Retriever can shed.
Even with dogs, you have to take it carefully with the grooming attachment, and introduce it gradually. I suspect the high-pitched noise the V15 makes isn't to animals' liking, so your mileage will vary when attempting to vacuum them.
I expect the next step in the domesti-tech evolution will be Boston Dynamics-style robots with arms and legs that can scale stairs, and vacuum them as well. If their AI could pick up the stuff the kids dump on the floor too, I would deliriously shout, "Shut up and take my money!" at the vendors. This is the domesti-tech us MSUs are waiting for.
