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Home / Business

Inside Money: Christmas restructure to enhance joy

Herald online
21 Dec, 2011 08:30 PM4 mins to read

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Time for restructuring. Photo / Thinkstock

Time for restructuring. Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

For immediate release

(North Pole, December 2011)

Santa Claus, trading as Father Christmas Inc (FCI), has announced a raft of new measures designed to modernise the Festive Season experience.

Mr Claus said the FCI restructure would position the organisation to profit in light of demographic trends and advances in technology.

"Earlier this year we commissioned a report from independent business advisory firm, McKinsey & Co , that found our current organisational structure, which has been virtually unchanged since the early 19th Century, has fallen behind global best practice. After reviewing the report the FCI board has endorsed a new business model," he said. "We want to ensure a sustainable Christmas going forward."

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Consequently, as of December 25, 2011, FCI will lower the age limit for present delivery to children aged four years and under who have complied with behaviour benchmark standards.

According to Mr Claus, the lack a consistent, global age-based rule has made the present delivery system unwieldy, expensive and difficult to administer.

He said the new age cut-off point was supported by the McKinsey report findings as well as other demographic research.

"The research indicates that pre-schoolers were most likely to benefit from the FCI present delivery service," Mr Claus said. "My credibility with children tends to drop away sharply once they begin formal schooling, a trend that has accelerated rapidly in the internet age."

Furthermore, the FCI present service will now be subject to a means-test with all families whose assets and income exceed the median (for their respective countries) to be dropped off the free program.

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"Christmas is about giving people a hand-up not a hand-out," Mr Claus said.

The FCI board has also decided to phase out its worldwide network of Authorised Santa Agents (ASA) over the next five years as a new web-based wish-management system comes online.

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"Today's internet-savvy children no longer require the full, physical knee-sitting experience to pass on their Christmas wishes," Mr Claus said. "Gift-selection efficiency will be enhanced by shifting to a pure online system while FCI will see significant cost savings as we dispense with ASAs and the traditional third-party infrastructure such as Santa Caves."

FCI has also projected a 75 per cent drop in legal liability insurance expenses following the move to online wishing.

As well, the FCI Elf workforce has been downsized in accordance with the present rationalisation program and other productivity gains.

"We've had to let about half of the Elves go," Mr Claus said. "The rest are working short hours."

A number of reindeer roles have also been disestablished after a Sleigh review.

"We've seen an increasing overlap in reindeer responsibilities over the years," Mr Claus said. "For instance, Dancer will now assume the similar duties previously assigned to Prancer."

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In an unrelated move, the FCI Boxing Day staff celebration will be a BBQ rather than the traditional 10-course banquet.

According to Mr Claus, the FCI restructure will insulate Christmas from the worsening European debt crisis.

"While the North Pole isn't formally part of the Euro-zone, we have deep historical and cultural links to the region which we would like to sever," he said. "We're currently scouting out a potential new headquarters in one of the emerging economies, possibly China."

In light of the FCI changes, Mr Claus called on the Grinch Research house to review its recent seasonal rating that saw Christmas downgraded two notches from 'Merry' to 'Neutral'.

"I think the initial Grinch downgrade was unfair - really, things aren't that bad - but with the FCI restructure now bedded down we at least deserve to be upgraded to Tipsy," he said. "Ho, ho."

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