Even if both sides say they’re feeling anxious, the talk can be even more fraught if each assumes the other shares the same level of discomfort. By choosing a number on a scale, you can quantify your feelings – and if the numbers are a mismatch, you can explore the reasons, Gray says.
That approach can also help you decide beforehand on a time limit and a plan to pick the discussion up later if the issue isn’t resolved that day, she suggests. “You can make a whole scaffolding about the conversation before you even start it,” she says.
Describing one couple she worked with recently, she recounts how she asked a question that she dubs the “miracle” question: “If a miracle were to occur overnight and this problem is solved, what would it look like tomorrow?”
That gives each partner a chance to describe the exact scenarios they envision, she explains. If they start a conversation with this question in their mind, it gives them a chance to exit an endless rehash of existing problems and instead look toward the future with a practical mindset.
Discuss with other listening partners first
It’s a common problem among couples to withhold bad financial news from each other, such as large credit card debt or a bonus that didn’t come through, says Matt Lundquist, a licensed clinical social worker at Tribeca Therapy in New York. One way to get around that reluctance is to talk with others in your social circle before sharing your news with the person you’re avoiding telling, he recommends.
“There’s a tendency for people to assume that their struggle is a bigger deal, more rare, more unusual,” he says. “And those kinds of conditionalities evoke more shame.”
He refers to this tactic as using an “aggregated set of others” that can help you gauge more objectively how severe the situation is. You might find saying the problem aloud to several people helps prepare you for the real conversation. Or you might find that those you share it with have faced similar pressures and can offer some advice.
Lundquist’s proximity to Wall Street means he often counsels couples where one partner works in finance and therefore is the default money expert. However, by talking to others in your circle, you can get a more realistic sense of what other couples do when there isn’t a presumed expert. That way, you can “figure out ways that money can be talked about when there’s not an even playing field around competence, or perceived competence”, he says.
Don’t just rely on words
Another tactic is to use pen and paper to create a graphical representation of common topics of disagreement, such as paid versus unpaid labor within a household, Lundquist says. While many of his patients are working parents grappling with those challenges, this same advice can apply to other situations, like adult siblings divvying up the care and expenses for ageing parents or workplaces where a higher burden of work falls to some staff members.
“Allowing it to have a graphic weight can bring that into clarity,” Lundquist says.
At the same time, he recommends not sticking too closely to the numbers alone lest they serve as an escape route if one person is uncomfortable. Rather, you should deal with “the discomfort of the unresolved” so you can get to the underlying issues – and avoid such crutches again.
Focus on values and goals
Fraught money conversations can too easily become mired in finger-pointing and blame. One way to sidestep this pitfall is to discuss the disagreement in terms of how it lines up with a person’s values, Gray says. For example, gently asking the other person to describe the values they want to live by, or what types of money habits they want to impart to their kids, can reduce the judgmental tone of a conversation.
Another way people can avoid being judgmental is to look at the overall financial repercussions of the topic in dispute, Gray says. One time, she recounts, she was in contact with producers of an early season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. They asked her to comment on one of the Kardashian sister’s overspending habits – and she declined. As Gray explains, those habits didn’t hurt anyone financially, so she felt there was no need for her to comment.
“Everyone else was judging her, but she could afford it,” Gray says. “It depends on the circumstances.”
