Escape from Apec

MICHELE HEWITSON knows what she'll be doing for Apec week: getting out of town. Here's her guide to some Clinton-free zones.

It's not just the predicted Apec traffic snarl-ups. Not just the taking over of the town by politicians, police and protesters. Not just that those imported American drivers have yet to master which side of the road to drive on - according to somebody who survived a near head-on collision with one in downtown Auckland.

No. An examination of an Aucklander's shallow soul will reveal that what we're really in a stew about is not being invited to the party that's being held at our place. And that is just plain rude.

Some stranger is holding a pass-the-silly-shirt party at our house and has told us to go away and not come back until it's time for the clean-up.

Which is why we've decided that leaving town and leaving them to it is the only sane plan of action.

You'd have to be insane to contemplate hopping on a plane to go anywhere, so we suggest you pack up your Y2K supplies (despite what that cockroach with the American accent says, the odds of you needing them are about high as the odds that the CIA knocked off Big Norm Kirk), fill up the car and leave Auckland until it's all over.

Nominate one of the party your designated Burton Shipley and all play at being a dignitary's spouse for the weekend.

Or call yourself President and draw up an Apec summit schedule without those dreary meetings.

We know the highlight of Clinton's stay is going to be a golf game with Fitzy at the swanky Millbrook (he'll come away with a section at Matarangi and a house lot of carpet.)

But for those of you who insist that hitting a small ball with an oddly shaped stick is a sport worthy of presidents, it's worth seeking out the Waimarino Golf Club in Ohakune (green fees are a reasonable $15.) It is, we are assured, a quintessentially New Zealand golfing experience - the well-trained sheep grazing the periphery of the well-maintained green take not the slightest bit of notice of human antics.

And while you're in the neighbourhood, you might as well celebrate the fact that the only thing resembling snow the Apec cavorters will experience will be the pav on their dessert plates.

On September 11 and 12, Whakapapa gets into the spirit of ignoring one particular summit with the Deutz Open Masters Ski Race and a ski and snowboard demonstration day. The inter-secondary schools' ski championships run until September 14.

If snowy peaks don't do it for you, get Burton to turn around and head for the subtropical climes of Northland. The dignitaries get a tour of picturesque - sitting as it does at the end of a sewage treatment plant - Puketutu Island. Whangarei offers so much more.

The wetlands area in Whangarei is the final stage of a sewage treatment chain and has been planted with 230,000 plants, which both aid sewage treatment and provide the perfect bird habitat and wildlife refuge. The Mangrove Boardwalk on Ewing Rd is worth a stroll, too.

And visit the Northland Breweries while you're in the district. The delegates will be quaffing quantities of New Zealand wine; from 9 am to 6 pm Monday to Saturday, this micro-brewery offers free beer-tasting and tours.

Another place you can be assured will be Apec-free is Hamilton. You'll have the run of the Waikato Museum of Art and History where Chinese Splendour: 5000 Years of Art from the Shanghai Museum runs until October 10.

And while the ladies and Burton will probably be dragged around to look at frocks with daggy hemlines, Exscite (adjacent to the Waikato Museum) sounds, well, more exciting. Take the kids along to Refuse to Go, a hands-on look at environmental technologies and recycling. They can make their own plastic and paper, talk back to a large pile of conversational rubbish and gawp at the giant Te Kuiti wetas.

If you're a foreign dignitary it's obligatory for you to meet a sheep. So you've got to go to the Agrodome in Rotorua. Once you get there, cheat. Forget the shearing demos and make like a Zorbanaut in the giant rolling plastic bubble, or fly a helicopter ($175 for 15 minutes at the dual controls) - send the bill to the Apec organisers.

Ladies like to look at flowers (bad luck, Burton) so you should really tour an herbaceous border or two. Hawkes Bay has the Hastings Blossom Festival from September 10 to 19. Turn up on Sunday and infiltrate the Blossom Festival Parade, posing as that exotic bloom: a visitor from Auckland. Another visitor is Elvis Presley impersonator Max Pellicano, at the Hastings Municipal Centre on September 11.

Backtrack to Napier and indulge in some Rush Munro ice cream. The delegates are having passionfruit; you can have whatever flavour you like. They'll be scoffing grilled gulf snapper, saute of Haast River whitebait, soup sip of kingfish ... Are you envious? Of course not. Napier is home to the Westshore Fish Cafe, winner of 1998 Best Fish and Chip Shop, where you'll get something a bit more substantial than (snigger) a "soup sip of kingfish."

Tauranga's got the right idea. No, nothing's happening over the Apec period, says the friendly woman at the Visitors' Centre.

"Why not come and do absolutely nothing?"

Why not? But of course you could always stay at home and - in the spirit of Apec - watch Wag the Dog again on video, order in Asian takeaways and slug back a Stoli or two. Oh, go on, have a bottle. Well, you're not going to be driving anywhere, are you?