Election 2011: Burning questions

GST-free fruit and veg - a policy worth stealing. Photo / NZ Herald

Does anyone else think it odd that reading the political tea leaves has become so symbolic in the Land of the Long Flat White?

With just over a week to go (until election day, silly), the only issue that seems to have galvanised the nation so far is the one that involved a cup of chai in a Newmarket cafe. Which is just a little bit spooky for those who remember that it was Rogernomics that prompted David Lange to suggest it was time for a national cuppa back in the 80s.

Some business-minded voters undoubtedly would have preferred John Key and John Banks to have been sipping a strong espresso. But here at The Business, we could personally do with a tequila slammer at this stage of the campaign. So in that spirit (or spirits?), we had a random flip through our Rolodex this week and fired off six cheeky questions to a few of our mates.

Some of the answers, needless to say, were unprintable - particularly to number 3. But even Act still has a few friends out there, it seems. Who knew?

The Questions:

1. If Richie McCaw were a Minister, what portfolio should he get?

2. Name a Labour Party policy National should adopt.

3. The ACT Party - what else could those initials stand for?

4. Biggest issue we haven't yet heard much about?

5. Any other state assets we should be putting on the block? Or businesses we should nationalise?

6. Bought any gold lately? Why/why not?

DAMIEN GRANT
Waterstone Insolvency

1. Minister of Foreign Affairs (the diplomacy shown over the eye gouging shows he is a natural diplomat).

2. Publishing accidentally recorded private conversations. Labour's post-election caucus should be fun to read in the Herald On Sunday.

3. I did not know it was an acronym! I thought it was a verb.

4. Should we join the Eurozone? If we are going to keep borrowing so much, we might as well get the Germans to settle the bill.

5. Sell Stewart Island - there's no economic value and the Japanese will pay a premium for the fishing rights.

6. No, but I sold some belonging to my grandmother. Got an excellent price but she talks funny now.

PHIL O'REILLY
Business NZ

1. Minister of Women's Affairs (we're always talking about how these kinds of ministries need to get a higher profile).

2. The one about turning down the volume on TV ads. This is the kind of big issue we need to tackle as a nation.

3. Another Cup of Tea?

4. I remember all that kerfuffle about dog tagging a few years ago. Could we have another debate about that?

5. We should sell the Beehive. Big naming rights opportunities. And we should nationalise Elizabeth Marvelly. She's already a national treasure. We need to go the whole hog.

6. Everybody says I should be paying off debt so that's what I'm doing. But if I could use my Mastercard I might buy some ...

CRAIG NORGATE
Former chair, PGG Wrightson

1. Minister of Defence (with Richie there we won't need the Army, the Air Force or Navy).

2. Compulsory KiwiSaver.

3. Alternative Capitalist Theorists (or After Clark's Terrorism).

4. Out-of-control local government costs.

5. Sell KiwiRail. If we applied Labour's theory, we'd buy everything.

6. No. Already overweight - can't afford the insurance on my wife's jewellery.

SIR PETER MAIRE
Technology entrepreneur

1. Minister for Cross-Party Strategy.

2. Don't sell the power companies. It will be a short term gain for long term pain.

3. No comment.

4. Proposed increase in the headcount at Industrial Research Ltd to 1000 engineers so science can save the economy. The taxpayer needs to see it get commercial before the headcount grows.

5. Sell the Beehive - maybe Bob Jones could remodel it as a museum. But keep ACC.

6. No, I don't want to end up looking like a Californian used car salesman at this stage of my life.

JEREMY MOON
Icebreaker

1. Minister of Commerce, and give him Agriculture as well.

2. Nothing really stands out.

3. Another Coalition Tactic.

4. The environment. It's massive with the people of New Zealand, yet it's a non-issue for government, which is why the Greens have surged.

5. Sell TVNZ. It's not working.

6. Merino is more valuable.

WAYNE BROWN
Far North mayor

1. Minister for Sport and Recreation.

2. Raising the age of eligibility for NZ Super.

3. Australian Catch-up Triers.

4. John Key's old bosses at Goldman Sachs losing all that money at MF Global.

5. Sell Kordia and if possible, the Office of Treaty Settlements.

6. No, because next year we will be digging it up in the Far North.

BILL RALSTON
PR consultant

1. Minister of Harden the F*** Up New Zealand!

2. Why yes, there's ... um ... er ... well, um, can I get back to you on that one?

3. Alliance of Complete Twits.

4. That really, really secret one the government doesn't want you to find out about. Oh. Drat!

5. Robyn Malcolm.

6. Sadly not, as this requires you to have money. I am the 99 per cent without!

DAVID JOEL
Macmillan Publishers

1. Minister of Finance (he would build up huge expectations, then deliver 8/7).

2. Do Labour have any real policies?

3. Australian Capital Territory - no catch-up with Australia required then.

4. Climate change - even politicians realise they can't change the weather.

5. Parliament could be sold to the Germans, then politics and politicians would become serious.

6. The porcelain fillings are lasting pretty well.

WENDY PYE
Wendy Pye Group

1. Minister for Sport and Recreation, and Minister of Women's Affairs.

2. No GST on fresh fruit and vegetables.

3. Australian Capital Territory - a joint venture with Australia.

4. Maori issues, such as how they will use the payments from treaty settlements to help close the poverty gap, and why so many are living in Australia.

5. Learning media - why is our education mainly supplied by government, when in other countries private enterprise does an excellent job?

6. No, don't need any gold - would only use a gold bar to hold the door open and don't need that at the moment.

TIM MORRIS
Coriolis Research

1. God help us as a nation if being famous gets you a ministerial portfolio.

2. Raising the age of eligibility for NZ Super.

3. No comment.

4. The public healthcare system.

5. Fran O'Sullivan's idea of copying Singapore's Temasek was spot on.

6. As my agricultural economics professor used to say: "The hog's never in as much danger as when he's fat."

STEFAN PRESTON
Ingenio

1. Minister of Kicking Arse and Getting Things Done.

2. Capital gains tax and increasing the age of eligibility for NZ Super.

3. Always Cutting Taxes.

4. We never hear about the way that government departments are starting to work effectively together under a simple policy framework. It's happening and it's good for business.

5. Let's nationalise Graeme Hart and pay off the government debt.

6. No need for useless metal.

DES HUNT
Shareholders Association

1. Minister for Sport and Recreation.

2. Raising the age of eligibility for NZ Super.

3. A Capital Tax.

4. Youth unemployment.

5. We should privatise certain hospital services, as they are doing in the UK.

6. Not gold but gold shares, in case the world economy gets a lot worse.

MAI CHEN
Chen Palmer

1. Prime Minister - he's got all the qualities the job needs.

2. Raising the age of eligibility for NZ Super.

3. Another Coup Tomorrow?

4. Making student loans and allowances sustainable.

5. Sell Landcorp, Kordia and TVNZ. Buy Fonterra, Progressive Enterprises, and Sky TV.

6. No, winning the Rugby World Cup was enough.

RONEL SCHODT
3DLive

1. Minister for Sport and Recreation.

2. Have they got a policy? I missed the memo!

3. Sorry can't think of any right now.

4. When are we becoming another state of Australia?

5. Sell TVNZ, and buy Sky TV.

6. At the Warehouse and it was good value for money and tasty!

PAUL CHRYSTALL
Maui Capital

1. Minister for Sport and Disabilities.

2. None.

3. Another Credulous Take on Muddled Myopic Parties.

4. There are too many to list.

5. If we had a flexible but nevertheless real NZ ownership policy we could safely sell the assets - but we haven't, so we shouldn't.

6. No. Never will. Its value is less imaginary at the moment than a Euro, but still well over-hyped.