This is your captain freaking: Pilots' best gags revealed

These are the gags nervous flyers would rather not hear coming from the cockpit.

Most airline pilots stick to talking about the flight time, weather and altitude when making announcements to their passengers.

But some like to use the intercom to practise their comedy skills - as an internet forum has revealed.

Flyers contributing to the discussion have recounted tales of pilots joking about their total lack of experience and making sarcastic remarks about the steps not being brought out.

The discussion on Quora began after a user posed the question: 'What is the coolest line a pilot has said to the passengers?'

And it seems that some airline pilots can't help but break the ice with passengers after they've experienced a rough landing.

Passenger Jan Gregory recalled a bumpy flight from Paris to Zurich where the captain had to battle bad weather and a big crosswind.

And he revealed the pilot said on landing: "This is the captain speaking. And now you know why they pay me the big bucks."

Marshall Karp also had a bad experience while landing at New York in inclement weather on a flight from Houston.

But he says his mood was lifted when the pilot said: "Ladies and gentlemen, at Eastern Airlines we have to earn our wings every day. And let me tell you folks, some days are a hell of a lot tougher than others."

And Bruce Parson says that after a "frighteningly bone-jarring" landing at Midland Airport in Ontaria, the pilot lightened the mood by saying: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Midland airport. I will be taking what's left of the plane to gate two. Have a nice evening."

Other passengers recalled how the pilots used their announcements to get people on board to comply with their rules.

Shubham Monndhara revealed how she was on a flight from Mumbai to Delhi when two passengers started fighting.

She explained: "Once we were airborne and cruising, the pilot came online and said 'Ladies and Gentlemen, hope you are having a good flight. As we were readying for takeoff, I hear that there was a fight between two passengers.

"'This is not healthy at all. I would like to remind you all that once the aircraft doors are closed, only one person gets to keep their ego and that's me. For the rest of you, please keep your egos away when flying'."

Ankita Gupta added: "On a late night flight to Charlotte from Newark, on United Airlines, the captain announced, 'Please check if someone lost their wallet. Now that I have your attention and your hands are around your pockets, please fasten your seatbelts.'''

Dave Samwell added: "I was flying into an airport somewhere in Germany (forget where now) and when we landed the captain came over the intercom and said: 'Apologies for the delay ladies and gentlemen, but these f*****g idiots have forgotten to bring the steps out AGAIN'."

And it seems some pilots like to wind up nervous flyers - by pretending they have a total lack of experience.

Passenger Abhishek Anand recalled: "On the way to Paris on an early flight, BA pilot announces 'good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to inform you that this is my first flight... [long pause while passengers look at one another]... of the day". Cue relief all round."

Tony Tessier added: "Flight in the early 80s from Washington National to New York Laguardia on New York Air.

"We readied for take-off on time but then taxied to a holding spot where we were parked for what seemed like 15 minutes, with no announcements.

"Finally, the captain came on and said in a Grandpa Walton voice: 'Well folks, I been settin' here watching they planes a-takin' off for a whiles now and I reckon I got the hang of it, so let's go!' And so we did!"

And Julio Preuss says an ominous announcement on a Trans-Atlantic flight filled the passenger with fear.

He explained: "Midway through a flight over the Atlantic, the cabin lights turn on and the pilot announces in a stern voice: 'Dear passengers, I regret to announce that, due to a mechanical failure…'

"There was a long pause and he added "in our coffee makers, we are not going to serve hot coffee this morning'."