Peter Bromhead: Marital interrogation

Illustration / Peter Bromhead

"There are strong rumours flitting around town that we have separated and you have another young paramour," the caregiver said casually over dinner.

She added: "It's also alleged that you have been seen entertaining your new friend on more than one occasion in a well-known Parnell cafe - the one you colloquially refer to as 'Tossers' Palace'. Perhaps you might like to explain what's going on, to me, the children, the dog and our two goldfish?"

Usually, when the opposite sex confronts me about misguided frolicking, I tend to take a deep breath before all the oxygen is sucked out of the room, the kitchen pots start flying and I begin searching for my lawyer's phone number.

But on this occasion I was mystified by these allegations, having led a comparatively blameless life, particularly since being exiled into the wastelands beyond the Bombay Hills.

"Well," I responded, "I have absolutely no idea what you're going on about."

This, of course, is the standard lame response all males revert to when cross-examined, so I thought I better expand my defence with a few solid facts. "For starters, I'm unlikely to be having an affair, because as you know, I drive a Skoda and as the newspaper stated when reviewing an overseas survey, 'Skodas are at the bottom of the list as chariots of choice for adulterers'.

"Now, if I was driving an Audi or BMW, it would be a different matter and I might have a case to answer," I suggested, standing in front of a wall light that hopefully bathed me in a halo effect.

"So, who's the young lady you've been huddling up to in 'Tosser's Palace'?"

"I think that's you," I responded, adding flatteringly, "since you've resumed exercising, it's taken years off you and onlookers probably think I'm dating a younger woman again."

"So, why would my friend tell me that her friend had overheard a public conversation, where you had supposedly stated, I've left my wife?"

"Well," I mused carefully, "if that conversation is even remotely true, it depends which wife I was referring to. You'll note your friend's friend didn't add 'current wife'.

"Of course, I cannot deny I've left a number of wives over the years," I concluded, adding forlornly, "anyhow, you of all people should know, I simply can't afford another divorce - unless I win Powerball for four weeks in a row."