After Bruce did not reply, his ex, through the Facebook account, sent him multiple messages just with question marks.
The businessman says his ex pestered him in multiple ways for two years. Photo / Supplied
From July 2021, she started using a new Instagram account to send Bruce unsolicited messages.
One message said: “I won’t spam you. This is my last message.”
Later, during the Delta lockdown, she messaged him again, saying “Hey, I couldn’t help it. How are you doing in Level 4?”
In August 2021, the ex used yet another friend’s Facebook account to message Bruce, in which she apologised, voiced regret, and asked to reconnect. Bruce did not engage.
In October 2021, she used a new Instagram account to message Bruce.
This time, he replied: “Please stop trying to make contact with me ... I’ve taken further steps to block you from all my accounts and have made it clear to you that I do not want any further contact.”
Matters resumed last year. The ex used a new mobile phone number and wished Bruce a “Happy Birthday” in September. His birthday is actually in November.
“You thought I’d forgotten, right? I’d never forget,” she added.
On Valentine’s Day this year, she emailed Bruce. She found his contact details on the Companies Office website.
She added: “Have I done anything wrong apart from unsolicited communication? You replied to me so is it even unsolicited?”
Bruce was in New Zealand most of this time but moved to Australia a few months ago.
He said he was scared of updating his Companies Office details with his new Australian address as his ex would find his contact or personal details.
“Since moving to Australia I’ve chosen not to update my details, since as a New Zealand citizen she could easily fly here without a visa and track me down.”
He contacted multiple agencies for advice and said for a long time none gave him any real help.
He tried getting a protection or restraining order but said the court needed his ex’s physical address to serve the order. He said he did not have that information and authorities would not help him apply for a protection order.
But Bruce this week said he finally had a breakthrough.
He said he made a report online at 105.police.govt.nz and attached text messages, emails, and other messages, with at least two instances of unsolicited communication over the past 12 months considered “criminal harassment” under the Harassment Act.
“I’ve had so many friends be stalked or harassed and they’ve taken the same steps I had done before but never have they made an online report, and I can imagine so many fellow Kiwis who are being stalked and harassed would appreciate this information.”
He said police spoke to him and served his ex the restraining order. Breaching the order is a criminal offence.
Dr Ang Jury says disgruntled former partners frequently persuade friends to assist in their efforts to contact or influence exes.
Women’s Refuge chief executive Dr Ang Jury said social media made life easier for stalkers.
“It’s not uncommon and if somebody is really interested ... they’ll go through any avenue.”
Jury said former partners frequently persuaded friends to assist in their efforts to contact or influence exes.
“It’s really just people taking sides and believing her and helping out their mate. They wouldn’t see themselves as being recruited,” Jury added.
Stalkers could persuade friends the ex-partner was a horrible person and make people take sides in the post-breakup conflict.
Jury said stalking victims frequently ran into obstacles when trying to get agencies to take action.
“If contact isn’t overtly abusive, everyone says: ‘Yeah, nothing we can do here.’”
Jury said Women’s Refuges generally suggested clients get protection orders if they are fearful for their safety.
“You can self-litigate. You can collect the forms from the courthouse and do them yourself. They’re not generally seen as suitable for people that haven’t been in a relationship.”
Nearly 5000 protection order offences come before the courts each year in New Zealand, according to police figures the Herald obtained in 2021.
“Domestic abuse happens across every strata of society,” Jury said.
“It happens more often than you would ever like to think. It happens with the partners of police, judges, mayors, lawyers, accountants, company owners.
“They’re all equally disempowered. They’re all equally afraid of the consequences of doing anything to stop it. It’s just that some of those people have more resources.”
Beryl Brogden, Good Shepherd NZ projects adviser for economic resilience, said her organisation worked closely with family violence services because those services usually had someone from the police who knew about family violence issues.
“If it’s immediate safety it’s always police,” Brogden said. “If it’s something that is a bit more complex we suggest people involve the family violence service.”
Brogden added: “What we tend to hear more about is people will get other people like friends ... who start doing the stalking and harassing and letting you know you’re being watched.”
*Name changed for security and privacy reasons
Where to go for help or more information:
Good Shepherd: Resources and information on economic harm: goodshepherd.org.nz
Women’s Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 refuge or 0800 733 843 www.womensrefuge.org.nz
Shine, free national helpline 9am- 11pm every day - 0508 744 633 www.2shine.org.nz
Elder Abuse Response Service (EARS): 0800 32 668 65 (0800 EA NOT OK)
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