How come?
He became socially dysfunctional early on in life – he was a copper in the old days. And to make matters worse he played rugby. Back then they had rucks - and big sprigs on their boots. He was a big bugger. He played hard and spoke his mind. He had no chance socially, I'm afraid.
Is that why he became a corporate lawyer?
Maybe. They're still allowed sprigs.
Dad, have you heard the Battered Husbands' Association are nominating him to receive the 2020 Hero of Aotearoa Award?
Yeah. But they're a fringe group. I'm pretty sure he won't receive any award – he'll be declared a non-person before the end of the year.
What happens to a non-person?
He'll be stripped of his citizenship and charged under the Hate Speech and Anti-Kind legislation for fomenting social disorder. He'll be sent to a detention centre, probably at the Rydges Hotel, for social rehabilitation. No one comes out of there that doesn't do as they're told.
Well, mum would say it serves him right. He's been nasty to Jacinda. She's been doing her best. He coloured her green in a meme and called her The Great Sulk.
I know. He's dog tucker.
Dad, what happens if he doesn't take any notice of his social rehabilitation lessons?
It won't matter. He'll get deported.
Deported? Where?
Back to Samoa where his family came from, of course. We can't have misogynists sharing poisonous pillow talk with a party leader. He had a chance to be a kind member of the Team of Five Million and he flunked it.
Dad, how do you know all this stuff?
This social responsibility is the future, son. You can check it on the International Union of Socialist Youth's web site. It lets you know what's going to happen next as we evolve to a fairer society. Jacinda was the union's president so she's up to speed with the most important policies.
Oh. Which policies are the important ones?
The ones about being kind and inclusive while fighting sedition from the politically incorrect trouble makers like David Wong-Tung.
And Mike Hosking?
Yep. He's on borrowed time. And he knows it. Arguing on air all the time with Jacinda. Showing no respect. He's a hater. He'll be gone by lunchtime.
Really? How will they get rid of him?
Easy. The government will buy all the radio stations the media companies have been trying to sell for ages and get the programming set up properly, in the public interest. Jacinda will move her Truth Podium broadcasts to start with the six o'clock news. It'll let the whole five million team share her announcements in peak time and save a lot of time not having to worry about answering reporters' silly questions.
But, dad, ... um ... what if Judith wins?
Don't be ridiculous, son. Most people are now on Jacinda's payroll. People aren't going to risk upsetting the boss.
