Have you ever attended a meeting that wasn't the actual meeting? Everyone was pleasant and agreeable in the room but then filed off to engage in back-channel conversations and hold kangaroo courts. This charade is one of the many symptoms of a "nice" culture. But what's touted as niceness is often nothing more than the veneer of civility, a cute nod to psychological safety, a hologram that falsely signals inclusion, collaboration and high performance. In many of these cultures, leaders have simply spread a thin layer of politeness over a thick layer of fear. There is the appearance of harmony and alignment but in reality, there's often dysfunction simmering beneath the surface that results in a lack of honest communication, intellectual bravery, innovation and accountability.
WHY ORGANISATIONS PURSUE NICENESS
The intention behind cultivating a nice culture is often genuine. In my experience, for example, it's common for organisations with a noble institutional mission, such as educational institutions, health care organisations, government bodies, nonprofits and voluntary associations to cultivate an environment of collegiality that emanates from their mission. A benevolent purpose tends to foster a benevolent culture, and a benevolent culture tends to spawn niceness.
There are many reasons why leaders pursue niceness. Based on my experience working with hundreds of organisations and thousands of leaders over the past 20 years, here are the top four.
— TO AVOID CONFLICT AND GAIN APPROVAL. As a reflection of their own desire to be liked, leaders often avoid conflict and stigmatize dissent. They would rather be nice than offend, misbelieving that those are the only two choices.
— TO REPLACE GENUINE INCLUSION. Some organisations see niceness as a proxy for inclusion. They believe that to be nice is to be humane. When you see diverse employee populations self-segregate based on natural affinity groups, it could be an indicator of an unspoken "separate but nice" philosophy.
— TO SHOW EXAGGERATED DEFERENCE TO THE CHAIN OF COMMAND. In fear-based organisations, niceness keeps you safe. The logic is that if you don't provoke the ire of those in power, you have a measure of job security.
— TO MOTIVATE PEOPLE INSTEAD OF HOLDING THEM ACCOUNTABLE. Yes, interpersonal warmth creates a conduit of influence, but you still need accountability.
THE DANGEROUS DOWNSIDES OF A NICE CULTURE
The adverse consequences of niceness are not simply inconvenient, they can be catastrophic for an organisation. The downsides include:
At times, inertia becomes so strong in a nice culture that the organisation loses its ability to act preemptively. People wait until a problem becomes too big to ignore. How is it possible, for example, that it took the University of Southern California more than 25 years to acknowledge and act on the sexual abuse claims against Dr George Tyndall, a campus gynaecologist, eventually culminating in a staggering $1.1 billion settlement? Universities are notorious for putting low performers and bad actors in corners rather than directly addressing their performance.
By its very nature, innovation disrupts the status quo. And yet it's the lifeblood of growth. Innovation is also a social process that requires divergent thinking and courageous conversations. Pervasive niceness suppresses this process, creating an intellectual muzzle that can turn teams of exceptionally talented people into dysfunctional groups.
Talented people want to make a meaningful contribution. A-players want a healthy culture in which they can be rewarded for challenging the status quo. As one A-player who worked in a large pharmaceutical company said to me, "I'd rather work in an authoritarian toxic culture than a nice toxic culture because in the authoritarian toxic culture, they would at least tell me that I'm wrong when I challenge the status quo. I can provoke the system, force a reaction, and maybe that will lead to something."
LOW-VELOCITY DECISION MAKING.
In a nice culture, there's pressure to go along to get along. A low tolerance for candour makes the necessary discussion and analysis for decision making shallow and slow. Eventually, this can lead to chronic indecisiveness. For example, I worked with a health care organisation that became so nice they decided to adopt a consensus decision-making model. It was an unmitigated disaster.
An invisible norm of niceness can induce conformity, passivity and learned helplessness that lowers the bar of performance. For instance, I've listened to administrators, faculty, and staff at top-tier universities complain bitterly about academe's stultifying brand of politeness and how it destroys morale and extinguishes initiative. Instead of challenging the environment in hopes of improving the situation, people are throwing their hands up, and keeping quiet.
There are several strategies you can employ to avoid the consequences above, creating a kind culture instead of a "nice" one.
CLARIFY EXPECTATIONS, STANDARDS OF PERFORMANCE, AND MEETING TYPES.
Ambiguity feeds toxic niceness, so clarify how you expect people to treat one another and hold each other accountable. Be explicit that you expect intellectual honesty, candid feedback and tough questions. This change won't be easy so it's imperative that you clearly explain the organisation's current state, future state, and how the transition between the two will work. As soon as you communicate the new expectations, hold people accountable for violations. Finally, when you have meetings, have an agenda and be explicit in explaining the type of meeting you intend to have.
PUBLICLY CHALLENGE THE STATUS QUO YOU HELPED CREATE.
Don't expect others to muscle through the fear and usher in a new era of truth-telling if you haven't modelled the behaviour first. You must be the first mover, demonstrating vulnerability and fallibility and showing people that candour is rewarded.
PROVIDE AIR COVER FOR CANDOR.
When people do have the courage to express dissenting views and speak candidly, protect them. Reduce the risk of ridicule by thanking those who do. As you accommodate dissent, you will gradually recast the norm until it becomes a cultural expectation.
CONFRONT PERFORMANCE PROBLEMS IMMEDIATELY.
When you don't address a performance problem, you condone it. And if you hesitate to take action, you create confusion. Hold people accountable privately and respectfully. People who don't respect these new boundaries have a choice to either adopt the new norm or find a new opportunity.
Martin Luther King Jr. said in his famous Letter from Birmingham Jail " … there is a type of constructive, nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth." Don't cover that tension up in an effort to be nice. Channel and manage the tension. That's real kindness.