Tough love ? a mother?s story

Parents stressed?and distressed?by their children's misbehaviour find help and relief close to home, writes Andrea Jutson
When many people think of tough love, they picture an irate parent throwing their child and their belongings into the street. Not so, says Margaret Coe, a Highland Park mother who's been with the Tough Love organisation for five years. ''Parents come to Tough Love because they love their kids and they want to do what's best for them. But, sometimes, what's best for them is just stepping back,'' she says. Members go to weekly support groups ? one gathers at Howick Guide den on Vincent St at 7.30pm every Thursday. There is no expert selling a foolproof idea. Parents have the opportunity to relieve their stress by talking about the problems they're having, but they also swap advice and, astonishingly, it works, says Margaret. ''I've never met anyone who hasn't had major changes within the first month.'' An expert, such as a counsellor, policeman or someone from the Community Alcohol and Drug Service (CADS) will also come to each meeting but, largely, it's a case of parents learning to help themselves. Someone who's found a way to stop their child using bad language will share their knowledge with someone else, who may, in turn, have a solution to get teens to school on time. ''A candelabra was one parent's suggestion to stop another parent's children arguing at the table. Putting the candelabra between the two children stopped them seeing each other properly. The arguing stopped.'' All Tough Love sessions are confidential and non-judgmental. ''If you sit around talking about why something happened or what you should have done, you'll never move forward.'' When Margaret first filled in a crisis assessment sheet, she ticked 28 of 30 issues to work on. Some parents join the group after their child has missed one class at school, and others because their child is heavily into drugs. Over the past two years, many have reported their teenagers spend too much time on the computer, missing sleep and homework. The most important lesson all the parents learn is to separate their responsibilities from their children's. Most simply need to learn to be assertive. ''Your own children seem to know how to really push your buttons,'' says Margaret, whose son was often late for school, or simply didn't go. She found a solution at Tough Love. ''Instead of driving your child to school,'' says Margaret, ''Simply leave without them. It forces them to take responsibility for themselves, and learn the consequences of their behaviour. ''Similarly, if your child keeps racking up $200 speeding tickets, tell them they get a job and pay it themselves. Young adults must learn the meaning of independence. By changing their own behaviour, parents can change their children's.'' The extra assertiveness parents learn can come in handy at work and in relationships. Margaret no longer has trouble with her son, but continues to go to Tough Love sessions to help others.
Tough Love info evening, Edgewater College library, Pakuranga, Nov 7, 7pm.Contact: 624 4363.