The stepdad's A-Z guide to commuting

As editor of The Aucklander by day and chief breadwinner for a blended family of five, Edward Rooney shares his guide to commuting in our busy city.
Acceleration That surge of enjoyment as you plant your foot down and the speedometer needle arcs around the dial. Do not even think about this joy of physics - you will not experience it on a commute around Auckland.
Bus Lanes Those empty stretches of road you see through the passenger-side windows of your car. Each individual lane has different rules and hours of operation. Do not let your wheels stray into them unless you know every by-law and amendment for every particular part of town.
Cellphones Do not bother to install a hands-free kit. Driving on Auckland roads is stressful enough without the added contribution of your better half reprimanding you for not rinsing your breakfast bowl before you left home. Switch off your phone and deal with this important matter when you get to the office.
Driving conditions We are encouraged to drive to the conditions. In Auckland it is always either raining, about to rain or just finished raining. It is prudent to assume the road under your wheels is slippery as an eel's investment advisor.
Eyesight Yours is fine. No, really, it is. The motorist behind you while you indicate for five seconds then brake for a right-hand turn is probably as blind as an earthworm.
Fear This is not something you should show while in the theatre of war known as the morning commute. The driver in the fast lane on your left will be exiting the motorway across your bumper and your fear will only make him even more aggressive.
Gears Many drivers are trained only to use automatic transmissions. Changing up and down relentlessly while stationary can be very therapeutic and good exercise for your left arm.
Hand signals Are you kidding me? These are strictly for people doing The Vogue in nightclubs after the boss angrily pulled the pin on the office drinks. Any attempt at hand signals in traffic will be met with a stubby finger thrust upward in reply.
Indicators In Auckland, these are optional. Really, why help other people avoid you? That's their job. If they were paying attention to you not looking over your shoulder, they would know you're about to swerve somewhere or stop.
Journey time There are plenty of websites which estimate this for you; Auckland motorways even have lighted signs helpfully offering this information. They do not factor in that strange time-jump that occurs when you drift in and out of consciousness while driving.
Kiss and rides These are places where people drop off their spouses to catch public transport. In the mornings they are more likely to be "shout and slam" after couples circle for 18 infuriating minutes in stop-start traffic to get around the block to the bus station.
Late for work You cannot use traffic as a reason for being late for work. If you do, someone will immediately swear they made the same trip in just under 12 minutes this very morning. Just admit you were eating a pie by the magazine stand at the BP station.
Music This should be playing in the vehicle at a safe level. Safe enough to drown out the angry shouts of people who are jealous of your amazing driving, but soft enough to hear sirens you may need to pull over for.
Neutral The gear your vehicle will spend most of its time idling in. It is the most worn part of every Auckland vehicle's gearbox. You can mix it up by keeping the clutch down, but cramp in the left foot is not the best way to start the working day.
Onewa Rd The only T3 lane in Auckland that requires three people in the vehicle during morning peak. People whisper convincingly of using mannequins or cardboard cutouts to beat the system. But do they work? Nope, they just sit in the car and wait for the trip home.
Petrol There are theories about the best time to buy; e.g. first thing in the morning before the sediment in the tanks has been stirred up. I find the best time is when you feel like a pie. No one notices the extra $4.50 on such a massive transaction.
Queen St It's good to remember this is now a 30km/h zone. You can still get to fourth gear before stopping at the next set of lights or pedestrian crossing if you are quick with the gearshift and your car can do 23km/h in fourth without stalling.
Rest stops Everyone knows long trips can be dangerous for the weary. This is also true of the 45-minute journey from Ellerslie to Ponsonby. Take a break at every set of lights and traffic queue by staring at the ceiling of the car and blaspheming.
Stop It is a legal requirement to bring the vehicle fully to a halt at a stop sign. In practice this is seldom adhered to. You've spent so much time fully stationary already this morning, it must compensate, surely?
Tourists These essential contributors to the economy should be formally prohibited from driving in Auckland from 7.30am-9.30am. How many gridlocks have been caused by pasty UK couples in Maui vans doing five-point U-turns on Dominion Rd?
U ... Speaking of U-turns, this manoeuvre is best executed in Auckland by committing yourself to the full arc. Do not stop midway and reverse up: you are likely to have another motorist conjoined with your rear end. It's easy to attract followers when you look as if you know where you are going.
Visors Especially, for those people who drive into the sun each morning and into the sun each night (West Aucklanders): it is my belief you are crazy either because of exposure to piercing light or were already crazy and that's how you put up with it.
Walking Every so often, people are seen walking near roads. Their cars must have malfunctioned in some horrific way. Look away, lest it be catching.
Xenophobia It's a big word for racism and it's rife on Auckland roads every workday morning. We are all, however, members of one race - the evil Rat Race that binds us on this trenchant tarmac of strife. It is not possible to guess the ethnic origin of a driver by their model of car or their driving skills.
Yours truly I might as well make my case here, if you're still reading. Could everyone take just a little more care when on the same roads as me? I have stuff to do in the office, and children who look forward to seeing me after work, and things my partner is waiting for me to do. You probably do too, huh?
Zips We are encouraged to merge like a zip when moving into flowing traffic. Some people prefer velcro strips for their clothes and will tear a strip off you if you interrupt their first experience with fourth gear all morning.