Mind you, I loved watching Eddie "The Eagle" and Eric "The Eel" and I once purchased a Duran Duran album, so I have an appetite for the absurd.
That said, the orchestrated reincarnation of this city is not to be trivialised by Chloe and Simon.
While fluffy idealism has its place, no landlord, or mortgagor behind the landlord will ever support ideas such as pop-up "gathering places", or pop-up art galleries. That's why 48 Queen St tenancies have "for lease" signs in their windows.
The brutal truth is that we've allowed central government to eviscerate this city, firstly with downtown hotel hijackings for MIQ, compounded by the DSW and Corrections strategy of using Fort, Commerce, and Gore streets as their dumping grounds for those who've fallen through the cracks of life, and a minority who's just undesirable.
This has been exacerbated by the closing of our borders, and the loss of international students and global travellers doing their OE, those who normally populate the inner city in a healthy and vibrant way.
It's also been quite some exercise in gruesome self-destruction to watch the damned union of CRL meets Auckland Transport, as they collectively bring Albert and Queen streets to their knees, with the feeder streets and small businesses becoming collateral damage along the way.
The only way out of this mess we're in is to decide exactly where we want the finish line to be before we start the race.
I don't have the capacity to describe a comprehensive plan here but let's agree that the following ethereal buzz-words are a given for my vision for this city: intelligent, connected, innovative, sustainable, and advocacy. There we go, I've genuflected to the esoteric.
Now for a real plan, with a real finishing line.
This city 100 per cent owns an asset worth about $10 billion that yields virtually nothing as a return on investment, pays no rates, and is an eyesore, a suppurating sore on the face of the city. Seventy-seven hectares of industrial/commercial vandalism on our best piece of real estate.
Ports of Auckland is about to have a "for sale" sign slapped on it when I become mayor, as an operating company, and as a lease in perpetuity on the land.
If it matters, I have already fielded numerous expressions of interest, based on my conservative valuation of $8-10 billion.
That's good money right there, and that's the fuel to invigorate Auckland. I say we should aim high.
We want the 2034 Commonwealth Games here in this city, all funded from the proceeds of the sale of the Ports.
I'm seeing a 50,000-seater world-class waterfront stadium, a legacy stadium, leased to a stadium operator, an adjoining cultural centre that reflects our tangata whenua, and a world-class harbourside aquatic facility.
It's affordable, and it'll change this city forever, in a similar way to the metamorphosis of Sydney when it shifted its ports, and built the Opera House.
Auckland and New Zealand should never play second-fiddle to Australia, we can do far better, because we are better. But we can be inspired by our transtasman neighbours and - by unlocking the 77ha of ports land and turning it into life-changing assets and community facilities to provide a decent return and add value - we can be the number one city on the Pacific rim.
This city needs strong leadership, with private-public infrastructural investments that add to our lives, and the wider city.
This is your golden opportunity, and there is no cost to the ratepayer. Everyone across the entire city gets to inherit a majestic legacy of sports, events, educational, and cultural facilities.
Let's start to believe again in ourselves. Despite the uncertainty of our future, we must embrace opportunity and maximise the value of this and the next generations.
Metaphorically speaking, this project is rather like creating a great thriving tree in the forest of life. The roots spread across the entire city; the trunk is the CBD, brought back to life; and the canopy affords us shelter, protection, and security.
We can do this, and the best day to start was yesterday.
Read the other candidates' views:
• Craig Lord: We have changed and Auckland needs to change as well
• Wayne Brown: Fixing up downtown means finishing what we've started
• Viv Beck: Let's back ourselves to make things happen
• Efeso Collins: Bringing hope back will revitalise Auckland
• Ted Johnston: A competent and effective council with a wise leader
• Gary Brown: Ideas aplenty to kickstart the city
• John Lehmann: Let's reconnect Auckland Council, the ratepayers, and the public
• Michael Morris: A revitalised Auckland for all inhabitants, great and small
For once in our lives, let's aim really high and do something amazing to bring this great city back up to where it belongs.
There we go Simon and Chloe, that's a proper plan, inspirational, it's well thought out, commercially viable, it's funded, and it'll actually work.
Not to get ahead of myself, but I'm rather keen to see 50,000 domestic and international visitors in the CBD for a fortnight, watching The Rolling Stones on Thursday (in 2034, Keef will still be in his prime); the Auckland Philharmonic in Cornwall Park on Friday; the All Blacks playing Ireland on Saturday; a decent wine and food festival over on the wee drinking island known as Waiheke on Sunday; and the opening of the World Masters Games on Monday.
To quote one of my many heroes, JFK: "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."
Let's try Auckland. Let's try.
• Leo Molloy is a businessman, restaurateur, and a candidate for the Auckland mayoralty.