A new tween and teen parenting book by New Zealand psychiatrist Dr Jo Prendergast aims to tackle parenthood in a new era. This includes unpacking old ways of thinking that aren’t working - such as helicopter parenting.
If letting your 12-year-old cook alone sends you into a cold sweat, please, chill.
Sure, teach them how to be safe in the kitchen and watch out for smoke from the next room, but don’t hover over them.
That’s because intensive parenting can backfire down the track, and research shows a lack of independence can lead to higher rates of anxiety and depression, says psychiatrist and parent Dr Jo Prendergast.
Christchurch-based Prendergast, who moonlights as a stand-up comedian, has just released her debut book When Life Sucks: Parenting Your Teen Through Tough Times, in which she offers support tips for everything from anxiety to trauma, eating difficulties, neurodiversity and gender identity - delivering a “first-aid” manual for mental health.
She says Generation Z has the highest rate of mental health difficulties of any generation, and one reason is that well-meaning parents are pushing their own anxiety on to their kids.
Parenting styles have evolved from being more hands-off to “hovering anxiously, sending down rescue ropes” and refusing to let kids fail or feel distressed, she says.
This generally comes from expectations of what a great parent looks like. However, we’ve taken those good intentions “too far”, and many teens don’t develop self-confidence.
They don’t get the chance to make mistakes and learn from them because their parents intervene and fixed them, she says.
“They start to sense that they’re not independent or competent and can’t survive in the world without a parent.”
Some research points to parents “parenting too much”.
Instead, she advocates “benign neglect”, where a parent intentionally steps back and allows their children to do more.
This means allowing more freedom in things that are going to be positive for their mental wellbeing. This might be letting them make their lunches at primary school, doing their laundry or “taking over cooking when they are 12″.
While these new tasks might initially make children and parents feel anxious, both will learn to tolerate that, she says.
Research in the 1970s about the importance of the child-parent relationship and forming a secure attachment is what led to helicopter parenting, the practice of hovering anxiously near one’s children, monitoring their every activity.
“It started from a good place, but then it started to become competitively good,” she says. “More and more parenting books came out with solutions to be an amazing parent, and then parents started worrying and went, ‘What will other parents think if I let my child do this?’, or ‘If I don’t supervise that?’ or ‘If I’m not involved in this?”
New parenting era
Prendergast concurs that 2023 isn’t an easy time to be a parent in a world of “TikTok and bubblegum-flavoured vapes”, which understandably has amplified hyper-parenting.
However, her book aims to make parents’ lives lighter and support young people towards a healthy head-space.
She says: “There are thousands of parenting books out there, but there aren’t that many that focus on mental health difficulties, as well as parenting.”
Adolescent mental health has gradually worsened over the past decade and teen anxiety and depression have increased by about 60 per cent since the Covid-19 pandemic. There has also been an increase in eating disorders and presentations to hospital emergency departments for self-harm.
Teens nowadays carry a bigger burden regarding world issues and how things like climate change, the rising cost of living and artificial intelligence might impact their futures.
They are also a generation that tends to have a higher level of self-expression and to be more educated around issues such as social justice, and are therefore more likely to get upset and offended, she says.
Comparison culture on social media is also a major contributor to their mental wellbeing. Prendergast says there is evidence that young people who spend excessive amounts of time on social media often have deeper issues.
While not new issues, greater awareness has developed and there are “new understandings” of how to tackle them.
One example is “body neutrality” and how comments on appearance can increase the risk of eating disorders.
In New Zealand, 30 per cent of girls and 15 per cent of boys have “disordered” eating, which has skyrocketed since Covid-19.
It’s important parents complement things other than appearance and achievement, she says.
In her book, she encourages parents to put on their “oxygen mask” first when dealing with a crisis. Being a calm, connected parent is critical for helpful interactions.
“Self-care can be a low priority when parents are busy - usually after picking up dog poo and before Christmas shopping,” she says.
And for those whose teens are going through a rough patch, parents should remember most turn out to be “okay enough adults”.
“The light at the end of the tunnel is mid-20s. It’s about hanging in there during the mid-teens when the wheels are hanging off in many families. This period is challenging, but won’t go on forever.”
When Life Sucks: Parenting Your Teen Through Tough Times, by Dr Jo Prendergast (Harper Collins), is out now. $37.99.
Jo’s top tips
- Rupture and repair: After a “rupture” between you and your teen, calm yourself and connect before attempting a logical conversation. You show your teen that things can go pear-shaped in relationships, but then you can repair them, and you’re still there to support them.
- Become an “askable and tellable” parent: Be open about your emotions, difficulties and coping mechanisms. This doesn’t mean dumping all of your adult problems on to teenagers. It’s about saying, “I felt worried about this, and this is what I did to try to calm myself down”. Parents aren’t perfect. Being vulnerable makes you a person they can ask or tell.
- Breathe, listen, validate: When a teen discloses something to you, stop, breathe and listen without interrupting. Then, validate the emotion, before launching into solutions.
- Give attention to helpful choices: If teens are anxious and don’t go to school, a parent may spend the day talking with them to make them feel better. However, that’s paying attention to the unhelpful choice of not going to school. Instead, notice when teens are doing the right thing - AKA attending school - and praise them for it. This can work better than endless consequences, which can leave parents feeling like they have run out of options.