By ALICE HUDSON
The hardest thing about fostering children is having to let them go, say veteran foster parents Henare and Pam O'Keefe.
"It's very, very hard," says Ms O'Keefe, looking up at the photos that fill the dining room wall of their home in the Hastings suburb of Flaxmere.
Almost as hard to deal with is the condition some of the children arrive in.
"When you first get them, it breaks your heart," says Mr O'Keefe, shaking his head.
The couple have seen it all: babies addicted to cocaine, kids with foetal-alcohol syndrome, babies whose mothers have smoked marijuana throughout the pregnancy, starving children and kids who have been abused - sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally.
These are lost children who require endless attention and time if they are even to begin to heal.
Sometimes they may only stay a matter of hours or days, but others have remained at the O'Keefe household for years.
Jodie, now 12, came to the O'Keefes as a baby. The couple have since adopted her and Ms O'Keefe says this has been the most enduring gift of all their fostering years.
Their journey as foster parents began when Mr O'Keefe's mother was working for an organisation called Matua Whaangai.
"She would call in home with the odd stray child," he says.
"As time went on we became very attached to these kids. Seeing the changes in them for the better gave us a great deal of personal satisfaction.
"One day we saw an advert in the local paper asking for foster parents for the family home in Sefton St, Havelock North."
When they received the phone call to say they had been chosen, Mr O'Keefe says he felt like they had won Lotto.
"I phoned every one of our friends and family to let them know, we were so excited. It was the best feeling in the world.
"That same feeling has never left us. In fact, it has increased, if anything."
Mr O'Keefe is now a well-known motivational speaker, also known as "The Hip-Hop Cop". He travels New Zealand talking to parents and children, part of the Keeping Ourselves Safe programme run by police.
He has also just begun U-turn, an Outward Bound-type programme in Flaxmere for at-risk boys.
With such busy schedules, their house is not as full as it once was. But the couple can consider themselves experts at parenting, having welcomed almost 200 children into their family since 1988.
"We have even fostered our own nieces and nephews," says Mr O'Keefe, sitting at the large wooden table with big pews for seats. "Elbow room only at this table," he adds.
At times the O'Keefes have had 12 youngsters under one roof.
The 195 children they have looked after have been aged from 3 months to 16 years at the time of arrival.
Asked if babies or teenagers are easier, their quick answer is: "Babies, definitely."
"They don't answer back," Ms O'Keefe says.
The generous, loving couple have taken in all sorts. The Turkish baby they fostered from 3 1/2 months to 13 months was reunited with her father after the O'Keefes tracked him down in London.
"Our ultimate aim is to reunite the children with a whanau member or a parent," Ms O'Keefe says, although her husband says it is sad the children must be parted from their parents in the first place.
The couple have three biological children, plus Jodie. In hindsight, Mr O'Keefe says he would recommend waiting until your own children leave home before taking on fostering responsibilities.
"They [foster children] come in and they take, take, take - emotionally, I mean. You do end up neglecting your own children to a certain extent. They do miss out. It's hard on them."
Some risks are also involved, especially with older children who have behavioural problems.
"There are emotional risks, there are physical risks. For that child, their wants and needs are non-negotiable, according to them. They want to be noticed."
When there are problems, the couple say they cope as any parent would.
"You worry. You look at yourself and wonder if you have done something wrong. But you haven't.
"It's okay to ask for help. We are seasoned veterans yet we still ask for help."
The best memories the couple have of fostering are of Christmas Day.
"It's the most magic time," says Mr O'Keefe. "The greatest thrill that we get is watching them open their prezzies. The sheer delight and ecstasy on their faces when they open it up, you just can't beat it. The laughter and the joy."
But both wish their job didn't exist.
"My challenge to parents is to make us redundant," says Mr O'Keefe. "Do us out of a job. Stand up and be the parents you should be.
"Stop trying to be their best mate and be their mum and dad.
"Get back to the basics."
- HAWKE'S BAY TODAY, NZPA
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