“I always felt capable and confident in my 20s and 30s,” says Katie*, a marketing executive from Kent. “But at 40 I went part-time for a while to juggle home life with two young daughters. At 44 I returned to a workplace that felt different somehow. I had a boss who hadn’t even turned 40 for a start, and colleagues who knew more about digital marketing than me. I began feeling anxious and my sleep suffered, which turned out to be the perimenopause, and self-doubt crept into every area of my life.”
Welcome to the midlife confidence crash.
According to a study by the National Bureau of Economic Research in the US, with input from UK researchers, midlifers feel more distress and self-doubt than other age groups and are more prone to sleep and alcohol problems, feeling overwhelmed at work (job stress peaks at 45), depression and suicide. “Something elemental appears to be going wrong in the middle of many citizens’ lives,” the report concluded.
Which, according to one of the study’s co-authors, Andrew Oswald, professor of economics and behavioural science at the University of Warwick, is something of a paradox. After all, as the study noted, as well as being at their earning peak, most midlifers “have extraordinarily cushioned and enjoyable lives”.
“It’s a paradox, but midlife fright is very real,” says Professor Oswald. “And the suicide statistics are the bleakest way of viewing it.”
In the UK, suicide rates among men are highest between 50 and 54, and among women between 45 and 49. So why does this happen? “It’s a very good question and researchers all over the world are trying to find the answer,” Oswald says, pointing out that there are plenty of theories. For women, these include the hormonal shifts that take place during menopause.
Last year British TV presenter Davina McCall, 55, told an interviewer: “I felt like I knew how to do my job and then all of a sudden these things started happening. The most crippling for me was lack of sleep, which gave me horrific brain fog. And my eyes were struggling a bit with the autocue. That’s where the confidence crisis came because I thought, ‘What’s happening to me?’ I didn’t feel ill. I just really didn’t feel myself.”
U-shape of happiness
It’s not just women who feel this way, according to Oswald. He refers to the “U-shape of happiness”. “For the first half of life we expect our happiness levels to rise, but they don’t. They keep going down. Just when we accept that, they begin to rise and people in their 60s feel more confident and happier than those in their 40s, who are still at the bottom of the U.”
“I think there’s a whole mixture of things going on,” says psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos. “Culturally, we fetishise youth, both in looks and the workplace. There has been a tech shift in the past decade that has affected most industries. You have these digital-native Gen Zs and Millennials, and cognitively we know that innovation is something we do very well early on in life. And in an economy so focused on the new, it’s no big surprise that some 40- and 50-something workers may feel left behind.
“I think women who have had career breaks to raise children may feel this more – and it is partly responsible for the gender pay gap.”
UK Office for National Statistics figures from 2012 found this gap widens with age, with women in their 40s and 50s earning 20 per cent less than their male peers.
The motherhood penalty
If childcare costs keep 30-something women out of the workplace, do confidence issues play a part in keeping 40- and 50-somethings out? When I interviewed Professor Tom Schuller about his 2017 book, The Paula Principle, he argued that many women work in roles below their potential as a result of the “motherhood penalty” (a woman’s salary drops by 4 per cent for every child she has), caring responsibilities and confidence issues, which he believes keep an incredible pool of female talent either out of the workplace or away from the top jobs within it.
And then, of course, there is the breakdown of a relationship in midlife, with the average age of divorce for men in the UK being 45 and 42 for women. Martin* had a confidence crash in 2017 when he was 42 and his wife of 12 years left him. “We had two children and both worked in shift roles for the NHS, so we were like ships in the night.” His wife had an affair with a colleague and moved in with him.
“At this point I was three stone overweight because shift work meant that I wasn’t exercising or eating properly. At the time I felt old and worthless, and was petrified about what the second half of my life would look like. Emotionally I was on the floor most days. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and I was signed off work with depression.”
Beating the blues
Professor Oswald is interested in research that shows chimpanzees and orangutans go through a similar confidence crash halfway through their lives too. “Hormonal shifts, relationship breakdowns and work stress may account for some of it, but how do we explain the apes who don’t face those pressures? This happiness curve is also found in rich and poor countries, men and women, those with children, those without, those whose relationships break down and those who don’t.”
Perhaps, he surmises, our midlife blues are simply hardwired within us – but if so, what can we do about it?
“Eat a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, which studies show can help our gut biome, and we know there’s a connection between gut health and emotional wellbeing,” Oswald says.
“We also know that commuting is rather damaging psychologically in midlife. I used to commute into London in my 20s and I couldn’t help noticing men much older than me drinking red wine on the train home. Now I am in my 60s, and although I don’t really drink, I can understand why they were doing it. There’s research that shows we underestimate the damage of long commutes.”
Focus on your strengths
Meanwhile, when it comes to work confidence, Dr Papadopoulos says that rather than focusing on younger colleague’s strengths, midlifers should think about their own: “We know that workers become better at contemplative work later on, so lean into that. We also know that wisdom, which is different to knowledge, is very valuable and only comes with age and experience.”
She also recommends continuing to learn new things – in and out of the workplace. Learn a new language or take up a new hobby, which is good for confidence and mental health. Or perhaps consider a midlife career switch. After all, as Dr Papadopoulos points out, your career woes may be less to do with confidence and more to do with a shift in priorities.
In January, prime minister Jacinda Ardern unexpectedly resigned, saying that she “no longer had enough in the tank” after six years in the position. “If you are consistently disillusioned with your job, it could be a sign that it’s time to walk away rather than you’re not any good at it,” says Dr Papadopoulos. “What looked good at 30 might not work for you at 50.”
Oswald adds that exercise “seems to have a magical effect” on midlife confidence. When Martin returned to work after being signed off with depression, he took up running: “A friend who had also been through a divorce recommended I get into any type of exercise, which he said helped him through his. I loved running when I was younger, so I started going for short, slow runs, and built it up. I did a half marathon last year and I feel fitter than I have done in years.”
Davina McCall has said: “I cannot stress the importance of finding some kind of exercise that you enjoy [in midlife]. When you are perimenopausal, you’re exhausted. You really don’t want to do some kind of class with a bunch of gym bunnies. But it can be whatever you want it to be; it can be getting off the Tube two stops early and walking that bit extra.”
Midlife friendships
You should also focus on your midlife friendships, says Dr Papadopoulos. “One of my favourite studies recently was from Harvard University, which studied people who were the happiest over a period of 30 years. The researchers found those who did best had really meaningful relationships.
“Friendships in our 20s can be transient, and they can wane in our 30s due to the demands of parenthood and work. Your 40s are the time to start investing in your friendships because studies show they’re linked to higher life satisfaction and self-esteem later on in life. While it can feel hard to carve out time to see your friends, in midlife it really is worth it.”
* Names have been changed
Where to get help
If it is an emergency and you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
For counselling and support
Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)
Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Need to talk? Call or text 1737
Depression helpline: Call 0800 111 757 or text 4202
For help with specific issues
Alcohol and Drug Helpline: Call 0800 787 797
Anxiety Helpline: Call 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
OutLine: Call 0800 688 5463 (0800 OUTLINE) (6pm-9pm)
Safe to talk (sexual harm): Call 0800 044 334 or text 4334
All services are free and available 24/7 unless otherwise specified.
For more information and support, talk to your local doctor, hauora, community mental health team, or counselling service. The Mental Health Foundation has more helplines and service contacts on its website.