Why do people dislike vegans so much? Because they taste awful. How do you know someone is a vegan? Because they tell you. I'd throw more vegan jokes at you, but I have a strict five-a-day quota and I don't want to exceed it before lunchtime, when I will be meeting friends for two of my favourite things: cote de boeuf, and light conversation about the smug self-righteousness of people who are controlled enough to exist on plant-based diets.
Veganism is a Marmite subject – Marmite, by the way, is vegan, though it is also made by Unilever, whose portfolio includes some products that may have been tested on animals, so do with that information what you will. But I digress. Mention the word "vegan" in polite company, and watch as half the people present start waxing lyrical about the benefits of eliminating meat and dairy from their diet, while the other half begin to froth at the mouth in murderous rage, as they try to work out how best to cook the vegans on a barbecue. Only Brexit and Donald Trump can hold a candle to veganism when it comes to polarising the masses.
Witness the furore that erupted last week, when it emerged that a food writer in the UK had emailed the editor of Waitrose Food magazine pitching a series of plant-based recipes, only to be turned down with a less than polite reply. "Thanks for this," emailed William Sitwell. "How about a series on killing vegans, one by one. Ways to trap them? How to interrogate them properly? Expose their hypocrisy? Force-feed them meat? Make them eat steak and drink red wine?"
There was outrage, of course, because we live in the Age of Outrage. Vegans were outraged, so Sitwell resigned. Then some non-vegans were outraged, because this was an attack on freedom of speech. I have to say that this slightly puzzled me, given that Sitwell was in charge of a supermarket magazine that has the express purpose of boosting the profits of said supermarket, and not, say, The Spectator or The New Statesman.
As someone far pithier than I reflected on Twitter, this would be a bit like the editor of Pets At Home magazine making derogatory jokes about knocking off cat owners; it's not really that surprising that Sitwell felt he had to go, especially not in the same week that the firm's managing director announced plans for Waitrose to target "mindful" consumers such as vegans.