"This woman never promised to be faithful to you, nor did she cheat on you. Your husband did those things."
Opinion by Philip Galanes
New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: I have been married for 20 years. Some time ago, I discovered that my husband had an extramarital affair early in our marriage. The affair lasted for several years. After the deception came to light, we decided tostay together and work on our marriage in counselling. My husband was very remorseful, and I have forgiven him. We are trying to move on, and we aren’t doing badly. The problem: I know the woman he was involved with. I remain filled with anger at her and obsessed with confronting her. I am pretty sure this isn’t healthy for me, but I can’t get past my hurt or my intense desire to make her suffer. Advice? — Spouse
A: I am sorry for your anguish. And I agree that fixating on your husband’s former lover is probably unhealthy. If I were you, I would explore individual counselling. From a distance, your claim that you have forgiven your husband isn’t persuasive. I get that staying angry at him may be uncomfortable or even frightening, but haven’t you simply shifted your anger from him onto the woman with whom he cheated?
I suspect that many of us will identify with your fantasy of confronting this woman — as if a single, white-hot tirade would resolve your feelings. But emotions are often messier than that, and, frankly, I think you’re focusing on the wrong party: this woman never promised to be faithful to you, nor did she cheat on you. Your husband did those things.
In one-on-one counselling — apart from your husband — you would be free to explore all your feelings safely. You may discover that your keen desire to make this woman suffer is really displaced fury at your husband (or not). Your therapist may also suggest a return to couples counselling. I’m sorry that I can’t offer a quick fix here. Rebuilding trust often takes lots of time and hard work.
Q: My elderly mother is in poor physical condition. She uses a walker most of the time and can’t bend over or carry anything. She had to leave her cat unexpectedly after she fell and had to spend six weeks in a hospital and rehabilitation facility. I placed her cat with a colleague, who is willing to keep it. But now that my mother is returning to her home — no stronger than she was before her fall — she wants the cat back. I’ve tried to explain that she will be better off without the cat, which could easily cause her to fall, and that the cat will be better off where it can be cared for properly. But my mother says, “The cat is all I have!” Am I being cruel? — Daughter
A: Of course not! Here’s something I wish I had understood better, though, when I was in your (difficult) position: the longest life isn’t necessarily the best one. Assuming your mother is of sound mind, it’s not unreasonable for her to choose a beloved pet over the possibility of a better health outcome. That cat may be her greatest comfort.
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Explain the risks to her clearly, then let her choose. (Perhaps regular feline visits are an option?) I know you want what’s best for your mother, but don’t substitute your judgment for hers. You say she is going home, but as you describe her condition — unable to “bend over or carry anything” — I suspect she may need some assistance performing basic functions. If her helper (or you) is willing to feed the cat and clean its litter box, do your best to respect your mother’s decision.
Q: A woman I consider a close friend got engaged recently. I discovered it by scrolling on social media. I’ve known her for eight years. I don’t want to stain her good news. Quite the opposite! I want to celebrate her. But I am hurt that she didn’t notify me personally. Can I tell her that? — Friend
A: So now, on top of the showers and registries and other bridal pageantry, you want to require individual notification by the bridal couple to all their friends? No, I am putting my foot down. Your friend’s social media post was clearly adequate: you saw it!
Think of her good news like your birthday. You don’t tell everyone it’s coming to court birthday wishes. (Facebook does that, or the date is in people’s calendars.) Just be happy for your friend and congratulate her.
Don’t bring anything (but leave the hummus)
Q: I love to give dinner parties. When guests ask what they can bring, I say, “No need,” or suggest something to munch on during cocktails. So I was taken aback when a friend who brought hummus and carrot sticks started packing them up after dinner to take home with her without asking me if I wanted them. (I did!) Should I have told her? (Note: This wasn’t a potluck or a financial issue.) — Hostess
A: People are weird (every single one of us). Maybe your friend wanted to take her serving dish home or thought she was helping with cleanup? Those are the best explanations I’ve got for her odd behaviour, anyway. And for the record: yes, if you want to keep your friend’s hummus after you’ve fed your guests, ask her nicely to leave it.
