If you had to name a food with aphrodisiac qualities, you might suggest oysters, figs or juicy chocolate-dipped strawberries. It’s doubtful that a raisin tops anyone’s list. But clinical psychologist Dr Lori Brotto, author of The Better Sex through Mindfulness Workbook – a guide to cultivating desire – has shown otherwise.
She is a professor in obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of British Columbia in Canada, and an expert in women’s sexual health. And over the past 20 years, Brotto and her research team have coached thousands of women struggling with their libido in the “mindful eating practice” as a way of boosting it.
Over 10 minutes, participants observe a raisin, smell it, feel it, listen to it (really), put it to their lips, inside their mouth, and take one tiny bite. After this, they answer three questions, says Brotto. What did you notice? How was this different to how you normally eat a raisin? And how was this eating practice relevant to your sexual concerns?
Essentially, she explains, “They say, ‘Wow, I’ve never noticed all the colours, how beautiful the shape of a raisin is, or that when you take one bite of it a multitude of different aromas emerge. Normally I take a big handful and swallow without chewing, and I never pay attention to the colours or the shape.’”
And, without exception, she adds, “Women immediately see the relevance of paying attention non-judgmentally. They say, ‘If I can slow down and notice something with this degree of immersion and intensity, imagine what would happen if I could do the same during sexual activity with a partner.’” As one woman said, “I surprised myself by how much attention I could bring to this one little object!”
The concept of mindfulness can make some common-sense people bristle – isn’t it all rather Californian? But in the context of our love lives, it makes sense that building anticipation, slowing down, relishing the moment – rather than switching to autopilot while fixating on the endpoint – would make sex more rewarding. Indeed, when Brotto asks about people’s “optimally satisfying” erotic experiences, “mindfulness is without a doubt the common thread”. Regardless of what they did together, she says, “Ultimately they all describe being in sync, being present, being so in tune with what is happening that the rest of the world fades into the background.”
However, for many, such bliss remains elusive. In fact, one-third of women report having suffered from decreased sexual desire for at least three months over the past year, notes Brotto – a rate rising with age, levelling off between 55 and 64.
Eighty-one per cent report feeling anxious around sex. The list of what can diminish desire is long – from emotional distance in a relationship to low self-esteem, stress or menopausal symptoms. Dare I say, The Better Sex Through Mindfulness Workbook couldn’t have come at a better time.
And the good news for the doubtful is that, as long as you genuinely want to improve your love life, you don’t even have to believe in mindfulness for it to be effective, says Brotto. “Whether you’re extremely sceptical or extremely optimistic has no bearing on just how much it will benefit desire and arousal and distress,” she says.
Why attention is key to better sex
A key part of mindfulness is staying in the moment, and this requires the skill of attention regulation. Without this in lovemaking, passion can wilt fast. “Attention is absolutely critical, because it is the mechanism that connects our brain and our bodies,” says Brotto. “Certain facets of sexual response are reflexes and automatic. If our brain is elsewhere” – whether we’re worrying about our gas bill or sexual performance, recalling a chat with a friend, or that we need to prepare for our work meeting – “it severs that critical connection”.
Maintaining that connection between the brain and body during sex keeps us tuned into and noticing our physical response, which then prompts our brain to pay it more attention, creating a positive feedback loop – and a more immersive experience. “With mindfulness, we are cultivating attention. Attention, like desire, can be cultivated and honed. It can slip away from us very easily once we become lost or distracted in thought.”
While the bulk of her research is with women, Brotto also sees men (“everyone!”) in her clinical practice, and as the mechanics are similar, mindfulness works for men too. For example, she says, with prostate cancer survivors, men with situational erectile problems, or premature ejaculation, a big part of their difficulty stems from fearing the worst – what will happen if my response doesn’t work? What if my partner notices?
“To become fixated and catastrophise about the outcome becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, which gets in the way of a healthy sexual response,” says Brotto. You’re no longer in the moment. Your mind is leaping ahead, visualising negative scenarios of supposed disaster or disappointment. And if this is your focus, you’ll more likely invoke it. “So a mindfulness approach, which is ‘Remain right here, remain with the sensations, let those catastrophic thoughts be like clouds in the sky that just pass and fade’ really works quite well.”
Focus on physical sensations
Women too can struggle to stay present. They tend to be much more “sexually discordant” than men, which means their body and mind aren’t always aligned. This, impressively, has been demonstrated by women taking part in laboratory-based sexual psychophysiology studies. “You measure the physical response and you measure the emotional response, and more often than not, those two responses are not in sync,” says Brotto. Naturally, mental and physical synchrony makes for better sex. Going through the motions does not. Mindfulness can help realign the two responses by training the mind to tune into the body.
She says, “In mindfulness, we’re tuning into the body sensations, the breath sensations. It promotes more of that concordance,” thus increasing desire. To this end, Brotto recommends regular practice of a 10-25 minute exercise called the body scan (see below). This involves methodically bringing your attention to every body part in turn, erogenous zones included, and noticing pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feelings.
It becomes a transferable skill. As one woman told Brotto, “Just paying attention to an area was sufficient to elicit feelings there. I would imagine that simply focusing on my body before sex or during foreplay could create sexual feelings.”
Once you’re comfortable with the body scan, you can also practice mindful movement, which isn’t dissimilar to yoga – you focus on your breath and pay attention to the sensations with each stretch, and then consider how different this is to how you normally observe physical sensations. (Often, we only notice aches and pains, says Brotto.) Here, the challenge is to notice all the sensations – warmth, tingling, discomfort – with equanimity.
Pressed for time? You can bring mindfulness to any activity. Brotto suggests having a mindful shower, and using all of your senses, asking yourself what body parts you are proud of. What can you appreciate about your body? Or discuss your body image with a trusted friend and consider how it affects your sex life. But it’s not all theorising. In The Better Sex Through Mindfulness Workbook, readers also enjoy more sensual, hands-on mindfulness exercises, and become intimately acquainted with their private parts, with the aid of a mirror.
Thoughts that get in the way of great sex
Did anyone squirm just now at the idea of a mindful anatomical exploration? Judgmental thoughts can interfere with our sexual response (as can benign thoughts). How we think and speak to ourselves matters – and self-critical thoughts about our body or attractiveness negatively affect our sexuality and our response. Brotto advises that if a judgmental thought pops up, unkind and interfering at an intimate, promising moment, making you feel bad, “rather than engaging with it and getting swept away by it, you can label it from a distance”. Observe any “emotional charge”, she says. “Call it ‘judgemental thought’ and continue on your way.”
Rather than fight it, you simply disengage. She adds, “I use the analogy of sitting on the banks of a stream and watching the thoughts go by. It’s powerful – it’s a different way of relating to thoughts rather than getting swept up by them.” It works for any thought that threatens to derail you. As she notes, “With practice, you can train yourself to more quickly notice when your mind has wandered, redirect your attention back to the present moment, and reconnect with bodily sensations during sex.”
Bringing mindfulness to sex is also about reflecting on your attitude, influences and behaviour around it. Awareness is the first step to understanding and – if necessary – making a conscious effort to change. One question Brotto asks research participants is: “What do you think sex should be?” Most of us have unhelpful beliefs and preconceptions, from “sex is only for young people” to “my partner should initiate it”. Or “my partner should know what I want”. As one woman wondered: “Is this should-ing myself in the foot?”
The beliefs that disrupt intimacy
Sex can be a sensitive area, and rather than discuss it, many couples gloss over their differences about what it “should” be. But if there is disparity, says Brotto, addressing this is important. In mindfulness groups, “we invite women to really think about ‘What does sex mean for you?’” The opportunity to slow down, consciously bring attention to these concepts in a non-judgemental way, temporarily setting aside the expectations and pressures that they or their partner might put on themselves, allows people to be more broad and self-compassionate in their thinking about sex. “When they stop to think about it, sometimes they realise what they thought was satisfying or important really isn’t.”
It can be challenging to talk about your sex-related worries – but, says Brotto, communication and listening are core to satisfying sex. Of course, one alternative to talking is to avoid intimacy without explanation – which creates emotional distance too. Often, a person with low desire will disengage from all non-sexual and intimate activities. “And it’s not because they dislike hand-holding and kissing and undressing in front of a partner, it’s because in their mind they’ve directly connected those activities to sex and it’s that part they’re dreading or simply don’t want to engage in. So you see this entire domino effect.”
Brotto might encourage a couple to resume those shows of affection by practising the sensate focus technique. Developed by researchers Masters and Johnson in the 1960s to confront anxiety over sex, this is helpful if people are prone to “spectatoring” (observing themselves in the act as if they were a third person). Couples undress and lie on the bed facing each other. One person is “giver” and the other “receiver”. The giver touches the other – say, a stroke on the leg, a kiss on the stomach. The aim isn’t to excite them. It’s to refocus each person on their own sensory experience and sensuality. The receiver can give directions, for example, “a bit more to the left”. It rebuilds trust and closeness.
“It’s very much a mindfulness exercise,” says Brotto. “Because you’re not seeing it as a segue to something more sexual. You’re tuning in and fully experiencing those sensations in the here and now.” And if a worry arises about those intimate activities inevitably leading to sex, you mindfully label them as “a mind-reading thought”, she says, “then tune back into the sensations of the body while receiving the kiss”. She adds, “Mindfulness can be a really powerful way of re-engaging people with activities they want to engage with.”
How to cultivate desire
This coaching is so successful in helping people rediscover their libido because so often, when it’s low or apparently lost, they sadly think they can’t change this. They have a low sex drive, and that can’t be fixed. But the scientific truth is uplifting and empowering. “We have now amassed a lot of data showing that in fact desire is not spontaneous, it’s responsive,” says Brotto. “It emerges in response to arousal. Arousal is something that can be cultivated, it’s something very much within our control.”
Research shows that a way to intensify arousal is to think about what it feels like to be the object of someone’s desire (ideally someone you feel desire for). So if you’re anticipating a sexual encounter, advises Brotto, pay mindful attention to those thoughts, and then tune into the bodily sensations they promote.
Her aim is to encourage the belief that “There’s this wonderful potential to discover all the different ways, all the different triggers that might elicit a response and then desire emerges from that.” So after five weeks of regular mindfulness practice – cultivating awareness and focus by way of food, body sensations, movement, breath, thoughts and touch – the next step is to bring mindfulness to sexual activity itself.
One exercise involves lying down and immersing oneself in a vivid sexual fantasy. For inspiration, Brotto recommends the Dipsea app, which delivers short, erotic stories. (Her mindful sex participants rave about it as feminist and shame-busting.) Having induced arousal, we can add mindfulness, says Brotto. “Women take part in a 10-minute guided meditation that encourages them to tune into the sexual sensations in their body.” As ever, if a judgmental thought intrudes, note, “Ah, a judgmental thought!” and don’t engage. Return your focus to your body.
There’s also the sex goddess exercise – based on mindfulness, of course, but also the truth that the messages we tell ourselves, our overall view of ourselves, and our sexual self-esteem can directly impact how we feel sexual desire and response. Brotto says, “We first get women to try on this image of themselves – even if they don’t believe it – where they like their sexuality, they are the fully embodied sexual person they want to be, they are confident in their sexuality.” They then use a sexual tool (erotica, fantasy, stimulation) to induce arousal then mindfully tune into the sensations. Imagining oneself as a sex goddess is, she says, particularly effective if you have “low sexual self-esteem”.
Know why you want sex
While this training will get you match-fit, so to speak, it’s of small use if you rarely make it to a game. Because desire is not spontaneous, says Brotto, many people don’t respond to a sexual advance already aflame with passion. They make a rational decision in the moment. Which means that whether sex happens usually rests on the answer to the question, “Why should I have sex?” This is the starting block (and sometimes it is a block) preceding potential engagement, exchanges, stimulation and then – finally – a blooming of desire.
Consequently, knowing why you want sex is important because, says Brotto, “If those reasons aren’t compelling, you’re not going to engage – you’re going to keep watching Neflix, or reading a book. We want to bring attention to ‘What is in it for me?’” Apparently, there are 237 reasons – but no pressure, you only need a few. Brotto says, “I always encourage women to ‘have a handful’ – and to use mindfulness to bring awareness to ‘What might be that reason for me in this moment?’ Maybe it’s to obtain closeness, maybe it’s to fall asleep, maybe it’s to feel powerful, maybe it’s to access pleasure.” Whatever it is, she says, “be intentional”.
The body scan
- Sit upright on a chair or mat – or lie on a bed if easier – and make yourself comfortable
- Rest your hands gently on your lap and close your eyes, if you prefer
- Try to stay alert and focused but be kind to yourself – it’s natural for your attention to wander
- Don’t judge or try to change what you experience, just observe and be aware of the sensations
- Bring your attention to the sensations of your body’s contact with the chair and floor or bed
- Bring your attention to your breathing – notice your belly expand and deflate
- After a few breaths, bring your attention to your left side, down the leg, to your left toes
- Let your attention rest on whatever sensations are in this region (coolness, warmth, contact...)
- Then slowly move it to the bottom of your left foot – the ball, the heel, the arch – notice sensations
- Keep slowly moving your attention up your leg, until your focus is on your groin. Keep focusing deeply
- Become aware of any sensations within – warmth? Dryness? Wetness? Pulsing? Numbness?
- If your thoughts become critical, notice them but don’t judge or engage, let them just drift away
- Slowly move attention from your pelvis to your lower back. If there’s tension, just notice it
- Shift focus to your abdomen and up – feel your diaphragm and rib cage expanding, your heartbeat
- And so on, around the body – and finally, expand your attention to your whole body
- Allow your attention to move fluidly from sensation to sensation, around the body
- Wiggle your toes, and sit upright
Dr Brotto’s guide to mindful sex
Visual
Gaze into your partner’s eyes and notice their colour and shape; look at their skin and try to observe details. Look at aspects of your own body but try to observe rather than “think”.
Touch
Notice sensations of heat, warmth, coolness, pressure, texture, softness, hardness, dryness or wetness. Bring your attention to the points of contact between your bodies. Focus on your hands and fingertips, and the sensation of touching your partner.
Movement
Notice your breath, the movement of your body, and that of your partner.
Smell
If a scented candle is burning, can you tune into the quality of its smell? What about bodily scents – can you allow yourself to experience them without judgment?
Sound
Listen to the sounds of your breath, and of bodily contact. Tune into their quality and intensity.
- The Better Sex Through Mindfulness Workbook – How to Cultivate Desire, by Dr Lori Brotto, is published by Greystone on November 24