KEY POINTS:
- Relationships have been tested through the stresses of life and that's had an impact on us as individuals, and our connections with others.
For good and bad, the pandemic has had an emotional impact on our personal relationships.
Isolation, fear, plus differences in opinion over vaccines, masking and mandates, not to mention health, work and financial strain, have all taken their toll.
And yet, throughout the past two years, we've also never needed one another so much.
For a look into how friendships and romances are coping two years into the pandemic, essence turned to Dr Kirsty Ross, a senior clinical psychologist and lecturer at Massey University.
How would you describe 2022, in terms of our relationships?
Relationships have been tested through the stresses of life and that's had an impact on us as individuals, and our connections with others.
Many are finding they're having to work hard at keeping friendships and relationships strong.
Enhancing connection means working on your communication, managing stress, having a sense of humour, and accepting what sits outside of your control.
You can improve connection by simply spending time together.
Sharing experiences, interests, and making memories together that you can enjoy in the quieter times in life.
And no, you don't have to book a weekend away to achieve this.
Everyday activities like reading the paper together, listening to music, watching television, doing laundry and jointly making a grocery list are ways of sharing space and time, and showing love.
For instance, when you add your partner's favourite biscuits to the list without being asked.
How can we communicate our needs with our friends and partners more clearly and build a stronger bond?
Having someone say "thank you for the things you do for me" – even basic things like folding your laundry, means that people feel noticed and important.
However, some people struggle with how to express affection.
What I often see in relationship counselling is two people showing that they care about each other, but it's getting lost in translation as their efforts are not recognised for what they are.
Figuring out the ways that your loved one feels cared for (hint: Google 'love languages') means that your efforts to show you care will be seen and heard.
Within a romantic relationship, emotional intimacy can mean more than physical.
It means being able to comfort and be comforted and to be open and honest.
An act of intimacy can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea because you can tell they are tired, holding hands on the couch watching television, or smiling at one another across a room.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you have known your friend or partner for a long time that you don't need to work at connection and communication, and that they can read your mind - they can't.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you have known your friend or partner for a long time that you don't need to work at connection and communication, and that they can read your mind - they can't.
People change over the years and learning to grow together and continue learning about one another means you'll continue to feel connected.
What's more, listening means understanding, not listening to reply and getting them to come around to your way of thinking.
When it comes to friends, it's healthy to get some of your needs met by friends, rather than relying completely on your partner.
When we can't see friends physically - be it through busyness, illness, distance or isolation - make use of technology.
Old friends are treasures that are worth maintaining.
Even just a text now and then to say 'I miss you, looking forward to seeing/talking to you soon' keeps the bond and connection going.
Top tips for communicating
Put aside your own thoughts for a moment and try to understand the other person's intentions, feelings, needs and wants. You can validate how someone feels without agreeing with what they're saying.
Check that you have heard them accurately by repeating back what you've heard.
If you feel angry or upset, take a break until you can think clearly and calmly about how you want to reply. This is more effective than a conversation deteriorating into personal insults when the issue at hand gets lost in high levels of emotion.
What relationship lessons are most important to heed?
When having an important conversation, talk without outside interruptions.
Stay on topic about what is happening now, how it affects you, and what you need.
Avoid bringing up past events and issues.
Deal with things as they come up, rather than have them fester to the point where you explode. The other person may not realise that there's a long list of things that you're upset about and think you are overreacting to the present situation, which will make you more upset, and feel more misunderstood.
Explain how you feel, why, and what you need in the future in the way of practical or emotional support.
Describe what is a problem for you and name your feelings.
Then, assertively explain why those behaviours or situations lead to those feelings, which might include past experiences you've had that your partner is unaware of.
Negotiate, and remember that you don't have to be right all the time.
If the issue is not that important, let it go. A good rule is: 'will this matter a year from now?'
In any relationship, learning to be assertive and argue well is vital, while also recognising the other person's needs.
Being passive or aggressive or giving silent treatment will not resolve anything, and preserving the relationship is more important than being right.
However, it's okay to recognise what your values are, and what your deal-breaker positions are.
If you feel that your values are being violated, communicate this.
Ask your partner or friend to change their behaviour and if they refuse, you will be in the position of knowing you have expressed your feelings and needs and can make an informed choice about what you want to do next.
Top tips to start repairing damage
Agree on ground rules so that you can talk in a way that works for each of you.
See the positives in each other. Take time out of your day to tell someone what you appreciate about them, and also accept appreciation when it is given.
Keep talking and making space for really listening and sharing. This will help avoid misunderstandings that cause hurt, anger, resentment or confusion.
Your Covid relationship stories
We asked our readers how the pandemic has changed their relationships
"I have a close friendship that is suffering. When (the whole country) was in lockdown it was for both of us, all of us. We accepted that's the way life was. Now, it's different.
We both have families - she has two children and I have five, so we keep our distance when one child is unwell. We don't want any of the other kids to pick up a bug and I'm petrified of having Covid unknowingly and passing it on.
It hurts that I can't be with my friend who I need to see; to vent to. I have no one else. To talk with (a therapist) would help majorly, but counselling costs a lot of money and we can't afford it.
I get very overwhelmed; and although I miss my friend a lot, and need her support both physically and mentally, I also want time for myself and that never happens. I'm just lost. I'm sure she feels the same way."
- Josie, 34, Papamoa.
What I've observed in general, with people I know, is that dating in the pandemic has pushed people to either end of the extremes.
You have some people wanting to move in with people very quickly, and are very intense, as they're sick of being lonely and are so desperately craving attention. But then you have others that have found peace in this new normal and are fearful of meeting new people due to the pandemic.
From a relationship side of things, it seems some couples forced to isolate themselves together, have worked out that they really cannot stand the other person, so there have been more separations. At the other end, it's given couples a time to reconnect, hence why there are more babies (being born)."
- Cassandra, 34, Tauranga
This pandemic has enabled my husband and I to better prioritise what is most important.
We have been more vigilant when it comes to our health, and building couple-time into our schedules.
We have created time to regularly check in with our adult children and ironically, despite the pandemic, we've been more social than ever. There is nothing like a lockdown to get you thinking about the importance of your extended family and friends and the positive role they play in your life. In addition, I'm far more aware of my own mortality. As a couple, we've become more goal-oriented and focused on creating a life where we can regularly experience those ten-out-of-ten moments.
Obviously, not all aspects of navigating through a pandemic have been light and joy. I've observed my husband under significant stress as a result of being an essential worker, and my own business, like many others, has taken a financial hit. There's been a toll on our kids as they have struggled to find their feet in their studies, and at work, only to have the goalposts shift repeatedly.
Although these things have created upset and frustration for all of us at different times, we now see light at the end of the tunnel and I truly believe as a couple, as a family, and in our friendships, we are stronger and better people for it.
- Annie, 50, Rotorua.
This is the second story in a three-part series on stress and relationships. Next week Ross talks about managing chronic stress and anxiety.