New Zealand's Latest Breaking News, Business, Sport, Weather, Entertainment, Politics

Latest FromJoe Bennett

The old dog has never been much of a swimmer but oh how he loves to soak in water's cool generosity. Photo / 123rf

PREMIUM

Joe Bennett: The nothing of somewhere nice

11 Jan, 2020 3:06pm
5 minutes to read

I promised the dog somewhere nice and that's exactly what we got

How will you march toward the new year and decade? Not sure? Just call our team at the columnar office and they'll be happy to help. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

New year, new decade, new you?

4 Jan, 2020 12:30pm
5 minutes to read

Do you struggle to choose between yoga and pastrami?

A drone hovering over his property was a menacing prospect, writes Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

My home is my demesnes, no drone shall hover over it

28 Dec, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

If the drone comes again I shall shoot it.

PREMIUM

Best of 2019: When freedom from the leash matters

27 Dec, 2019 1:00pm
4 minutes to read

For close to 30 years I've woken, drunk coffee and taken the dog or dogs out...

Old and new. In the 17th century the shoguns were afraid Japan would be overrun, corrupted, exploited. So they put up the shutters. We should do the same here, says Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Time to ban all flights to New Zealand

23 Dec, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

The country you couldn't fly to, would then become the country everyone wanted to sail to.

St Francis was born into 12th-century Easy Street. He lived an indulgent youth, then got God, says Joe Bennett. He renounced his wealth, lived as a hermit and founded an order of monks. Photo / File

PREMIUM

St Francis and that flock of birds...

14 Dec, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

For the birds the days pass unnamed, the years uncounted. And this still pleases us today.

The possessive apostrophe - where does it go in this sign? Does it matter anymore, asks Joe Bennett. Photo / File

PREMIUM

The apostrophe's days are all but over

7 Dec, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

It's had a good run but perhaps 50 years from now...

A wasp causes a reaction out of all proportion to its size, says Joe Bennett. If a wasp enters a classroom the teacher has two choices, and neither of them is to carry on teaching. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

The dreaded wasps are back

30 Nov, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

One of these lovelies stung me on the back of the neck many years ago ...

Where was Blue? My mind had created its usual catalogue of horrors, Blue maimed and bleeding, struck by a car and flung to the gutter, the hail-melt running over his sodden fur. Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Blue the dog, lost, running from the storm in fear, panic

23 Nov, 2019 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

Dogs have feelings too.

Life, it is what it is. You're saddled with the consequences. To have another go would not seem right. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

The screw head as the nuclear button?

16 Nov, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Time's arrow flies only one way, and you fly with it...

And the first of these words is - drumroll, fanfare, pause while large buckets are wheeled into place in case of community reflux on an overwhelming scale - proactive. Photo 123RF

PREMIUM

Partners in verbal sadness for thou reading pleasure

9 Nov, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Language evolves in a blind, unconscious process that none of us can affect in any way.

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II. She's taken one for the species, says columnist Joe Bennett. Photo / AP

PREMIUM

Hierarchy, what of it? Long live the Queen

2 Nov, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

I will never refer to anyone of authority with a honorific, with one exception...

Some years ago I was MC for an anarchic variety show. A young man rang offering to juggle chainsaws. I hired him on the instant for $100. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Joe Bennett: Juggling chainsaws for a living can be dangerous

26 Oct, 2019 5:00pm
5 minutes to read

It was cruelly beautiful to watch, the big pine drop and take out the outdoor spa bath.

Onions ready to set the stage for any good meal - of the people for the people - to sweat and turn translucent and become the substrate of so many dishes, writes Joe Bennett. Photo / 123RF

PREMIUM

Onions - foot soldiers who die for the cause

20 Oct, 2019 5:00pm
5 minutes to read

Dishes the names of which never mention onions but which without onions would never be.

US president Donald Trump won't succeed in turning the world's most influential democracy into a corrupt authoritarian state like Russia but he's done lasting damage, says Joe Bennett. Photo / AP

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Joe Bennett: Trump sick in the head, a malignant narcissist

12 Oct, 2019 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

COMMENT: Every time Trump accuses anyone of anything it is a projection of his own guilt.

Seamstress, seamster, needleperson or tailor, what is the correct term? Photo / 123rf

PREMIUM

Joe Bennett: My seamstress dilemma

5 Oct, 2019 7:00pm
4 minutes to read

Comment: 'I try to be good. But it's hard.'

Candidates in local government elections at a gathering of potential voters in Whangārei. Columnist Joe Bennett offers his take on the choice of candidates standing this year. Photo / File

PREMIUM

Local body elections - long live people power

28 Sep, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

All you need to know about your local candidates.

Firefighters work beneath the destroyed mullions, the vertical struts which once faced the outer walls of the World Trade Center towers in New York, after the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001. Photo / AP

PREMIUM

9/11 birth confirms we're a unique species

21 Sep, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Baby born on September 11, at 9.11am, weighing 9 pounds 11 ounces.

According to experts a sneeze travels at 200 miles per hour. It out-hurricanes, in other words, hurricanes. Sneezing is drastic. Photo / 123RF

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Bless you: String theory and sneezing, what do they have in common?

15 Sep, 2019 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

"Bless you," you say, shocked into superstition by the violence of the act.

Pope Francis arrives to hold his weekly general audience, in the Pope Paul VI hall, at the Vatican. Photo / AP

PREMIUM

Comment: A refresher on papal etiquette

8 Sep, 2019 3:00pm
4 minutes to read

Should you have the good fortune to meet the Pope there are several things to remember.

Demonstrators try to pull down a smart lamppost during a protest in Hong Kong. Will the democracies of the world side with them? Photo / AP

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Comment: Trump, the template of every tyrant ...

31 Aug, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

As for the brave, young Hong-kongese how will they fare in their fight for democracy?

If we limited every couple on Earth to a maximum of two children, the population would soon shrink and most problems would begin to solve themselves. Photo / 123rf

NEW ZEALAND

Joe Bennett: Is the world worth saving?

17 Aug, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

COMMENT: Just in my lifetime the population of the Earth has doubled.

Our lives matter little. The length of them matters less. What does matter is the pleasure we can give and the pleasure we can take. And if booze helps either, it's a good thing. Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Drink up, longevity and puritanism don't mix

2 Aug, 2019 5:20pm
5 minutes to read

Booze meddlers, wowsers, the ostensible carers. Their pleasure lies in thwarting others.

The same fundamentals apply to all forms of writing and it's nice to try to help someone else go about it, says Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Putting words on paper mug's game - or is it?

28 Jul, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

"I never knew this writing business was so weird," she wrote when she sent the revision.

But there's one starling I've never scared off, never waved a hand at. It turned up a fortnight ago, coming to the empty table in the afternoon, catching my eye by being on its own... Photo / File

PREMIUM

Lonely one-legged starling tugs at heartstrings

21 Jul, 2019 12:00pm
4 minutes to read

The table was bare. The starling stood alone. I opened the ranch slider and ...

Soon the pup becomes a young dog, the fourth stage, proud, standing and strutting, hackles rising to other dogs, lean and eager, loyal as a good soldier, barker and guardian, up for anything. Photo / Getty Images

NEW ZEALAND

Comment: Dog ownership pleasure and privilege

13 Jul, 2019 5:00pm
4 minutes to read

Shakespeare would be appalled at the idea of the seven ages for dogs. But here goes.

The bully boys are advancing across the world and democracy's retreating. They're out on the streets in Hong Kong, Sudan, Georgia, the Czech Republic. And it could happen here. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Opinion: Who's ready to stand up for democracy?

6 Jul, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

We may yet need to get out on the streets. And a part of me hopes for the chance.

Let's celebrate those who care about quiche. They begged me to complete the recipe from which a little blood had distracted me. How could I not comply? So here goes. Photo / Getty Images

LIFESTYLE | Food & Drink

Blood quiche brings out the bigots, and the fans

29 Jun, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

If there was a god, quiche would be proof...if there were heaven, it would be on the menu.

Would feeding the contaminated pastry to someone else be abetting vampirism? Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Should flavour be a consideration in a moral dilemma?

22 Jun, 2019 5:00pm
4 minutes to read

The blood-in-the-pastry dilemma. Let's discuss it honestly and openly.

Is technology replacing reality in our everyday life including creating precious memories? Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Imagine a world without mobile phones

15 Jun, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Eyes, ears, nose, nerve ends on our skin or taste buds on our tongue. But is there more?

Human beings are unique in being able to contemplate their own death. And they are also unique in pretending it doesn't happen. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Opinion: Does one die or pass?

8 Jun, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

If you can use words to deny dying what can you not use words to deny?

How much do you think we spend on feeding birds every year? Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Opinion: Pretty little singers of songs

3 Jun, 2019 4:00pm
4 minutes to read

Birds help us fulfill the fantasy of a benign natural world that gets along with us. Why?

Not only is flashing obviously indefensible, indeed criminal, it is also spectacularly free of thought, says Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

In a flash it happened, that indefensible act...

26 May, 2019 3:00pm
4 minutes to read

"No," she said, after a lengthy pause, "I don't think I've ever been flashed."

I was taken out to dinner at a restaurant on that popular alternative occasion the other day. And there were carrots... Photo / Getty Images

PREMIUM

Opinion: The chef, the carrot and the crime

19 May, 2019 5:00pm
4 minutes to read

The right carrots but with an inch or so of their feathery tops still on. Why?

There's something there, and it's an honest something, but I don't consider it a pearl that's richer than all the tribe, says Joe Bennett. Read on if you dare. Photo/Getty Images

PREMIUM

Bagatelle awaits if you read this to end

12 May, 2019 9:30am
4 minutes to read

The dog and I were out on the hills when a boy came running down the track and stopped...

King Lear by William Shakespeare: The storm scene; Act III, Scene IV. All storms are the storm in King Lear, writes Joe Bennett. Getty Images

PREMIUM

Garage offers workers sanctuary from the storm

5 May, 2019 12:00pm
4 minutes to read

I went down the drive 'till they saw me, and beckoned the men back up.

This column describes a literary discovery that is of no importance and less interest. So please, turn the page. Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

A literary discovery but does anyone care?

20 Apr, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Poets works convey precisely the same sentiment, a universal compulsion to mourn.

Fate doesn't only cut us off at the knees. It can also, sometimes, if rarely, give us a boost up on to the horse of unexpected happiness, says Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Long-shot hopes of financial windfall

13 Apr, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Somewhere out there may be a childless aunt you didn't know you had.

Why can't they simply say something like:

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Opinion: Fake commercial bonhomie unwelcome

6 Apr, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

I'd simply like to be treated as an independent thinking adult to be respected.

The game was taking place at Hagley Oval, literally across the road from the hospital. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Bowled over by cricket lover's final wish

31 Mar, 2019 9:31am
4 minutes to read

The cancer ward was so deep inside the building, Bill doubted anyone could ever escape it.

And with the memory comes not only full sensual detail, but also full emotional detail, says Joe Bennett. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Smells trigger memories you don't remember remembering

23 Mar, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

And with the memory comes not only full sensual detail, but also full emotional detail.

The end of the Cretaceous Period 65 million years ago when a 10km-wide asteroid or comet entered the Earth's atmosphere as dinosaurs, including T. rex, look on. Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

A truth I first knew in my bones at age 8

16 Mar, 2019 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

Survival forces shaped you and me and the dog and the dinosaurs.

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Hamburger delivery press release triggers call to duty

9 Mar, 2019 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

In the age of the internet, privacy is a duck so dead it's dripping yellow fluids.

A map of the world. But where's New Zealand? Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Joe Bennett: NZ off the map - let's embrace our invisibility

2 Mar, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Americans can't find New Zealand on a map anyway. Now, they don't have to.

US President Donald Trump. There is constant news of Trump because news, by definition, is something bad happening, and Trump, by definition, is something bad, says Joe Bennett. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

The virtues - Trump is devoid of them

23 Feb, 2019 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

Trump cannot reason, cannot frame a sentence, he's about as funny as colo-rectal surgery.

Wise words from one generation to another. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

There's little profit in being a prophet

16 Feb, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Predicting the future, getting it right and getting no credit for it.

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

To 'die' or to 'pass away' that is the question

9 Feb, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Language's purpose is to reflect the world in words so we can talk honestly about it.

Larkin observes the world from the train window and it is here, in the incidental detail, that comes the line that stuck, says Joe Bennett. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Where deeds are done and truth fought over

2 Feb, 2019 12:30pm
4 minutes to read

Why do we want to be part of something greater than ourselves, something out of reach?

A meat diet will condemn millions to death. Our buttered steak will kill both us and others, says Joe Bennett. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Will the save-the-world diet save us?

26 Jan, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

Double centenarians will arrive, wrinkled like scrotums but still pedalling mountain bikes

Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin on the moon surface after planting the American flag. Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Did you know there's a plaque on the moon?

19 Jan, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

There's Buzz and Neil, of course, and Collins. But can you guess who else is on it?

Why did they spell easy that way? Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

'Ezi Peel,' the packaging said. Grrr

12 Jan, 2019 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

All I wanted was to get at the salami and go on my merry way. But the world said no.

At one end of the banner was a recognisable picture of a pukeko. But why? Animals can't go to heaven... can they? Photo/Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

What's a pukeko got to do with Christmas?

22 Dec, 2018 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

"Have a heavenly Heathcote Christmas," the sign said with an illustration on it.

Look me in the eye and tell me your multiply-great grandparents weren't lizards, asks Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

Standing's at the heart of our troubles

15 Dec, 2018 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

Standing lets us see the next paddock, next valley, the next continent, the next galaxy.

This life's the only one we've got so it makes sense we should try to enjoy it, says Joe Bennett. Photo / Getty Images

NORTHERN ADVOCATE

My act of Christmas charity

8 Dec, 2018 2:00pm
5 minutes to read

Death is not preventable. It is only postponable.

My subject for today, as you have no doubt already guessed, is wine glasses. Photo / Getty Images

LIFESTYLE

Shock horror - the wine glass is stemless

1 Dec, 2018 2:00pm
4 minutes to read

A toast - "Here's to you and balls to Trump".