Rebecca Kamm

Poking a stick at ladies' issues, pop culture, and other cutting-edge curiosities.

Rebecca Kamm: New year resolutions for feminists

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Photo / Thinkstock
Photo / Thinkstock

Dear reader,

Another year, another 365 days in which to continue the women's crusade! This, sadly, is my last ever post before I depart for different-coloured pastures - but I want to make sure you have a very feminist new year in my absence. So here are my top six tips to carry you through 2014 in ultimate feminazi style.

Do me proud. Xx

STAY LAZY

Remember that time thousands of years ago we managed to convince men we were the feeblest of all creatures, save for domestic chores and babies? That was THE BEST trick. It meant we got to stay home and chillax with the tiny humans, and never do anything else but stay home and chillax with the tiny humans. And clean dirt. Sometimes we didn't even have to talk, because muzzles! Oh man, we tricked them so good.

Well, now that it's 2014, we're expected to pull our own weight. But biology can still be used to your advantage.

For example: Whenever possible, scam your way into time off work by having periods and breeding. Also, demand equal pay*, despite your job being 20% easier than all men's jobs. (Having a penis makes you 20% more valuable to the economy. Fact of life.)

* Shout-out to the feminist statisticians fudging the "pay gap" stats - we couldn't do it without you!!


KEEP FOCUSED

We bloody did it, you guys: ladies are now shooting ahead at school, right up to tertiary level. The plan to make Western men the most persecuted group of the 21st century / Operation Castration is underway. So very good work and carry on. Make sure little boys have no pencils, dictionaries or calculators; tell them everything they do is wrong, even if it's spot on; teach them in an extra quiet voice so they miss great chunks of the syllabus - whatever you can to make sure they have it tough from the start. Victory is dazzlingly close.

MISANDRY CHIC

It's the duty of all feminists to look the same, so we can identify each other from a mile away and conduct feminist marching parades within a moment's notice. Also, let's face it, we became feminists in the first place because men didn't think we were pretty, so let's have fun with this!! No bra, army boots, clenched fists ... whatever it takes to pretend you don't cry yourself to sleep at night wishing you were thin.

Note: DO NOT ever diverge from this feminist uniform and make yourself unidentifiable as a feminist, or the world will spin on its axis and men won't know which way is up and which way is down. Which would be OK, were it not for the fact that - on occasion - we need their dollars and sperms. When that time comes, you will need to temporarily morph in order to get what you want. (See below.)

SPERM AND CASH

GET THEM. Yes, being a lesbian and a feminist and wanting men to want to have sex with you and needing a good lay are all the same thing - and that can get confusing - but the fact is that we do need men for some things. Like spawn and wealth, and a good f***ing to calm us down.

So, some advice: when you must be with the enemy, just make sure he doesn't catch you poking holes in the condom, or notice you only get sexually excited when there are piles of banknotes lying around. (I keep some under the pillow for this purpose. Even the sound of crinkly paper does the trick.)

That way he'll think you really love him for him - like some kind of hetero-normative Disney princess - and he'll probably wave the prenup. Failing that, there's always court once you've had enough. Either way, money for jam.

ACT PISSED

No matter what, don't let on that you shiver with glee when strangers compliment your breasts, or when your boss gets wasted and tries to bed you. I personally know how hard it is to hide the rush - their peen approves!! You are OK after all!! - but you have to look angry. Otherwise you can't pull the "sexual harassment" card when things don't go your way or you're in a bad mood.

#MANBAN

We're so close. Soon there will be virtually zero men left in government and only a fraction in senior management positions. It will be a world filled with dominance, money, natural hair growth, emotions, sex bans, and a parliamentary system based on the lunar cycle. It will be HEAVEN ON MOTHER EARTH.

However. It's imperative you maintain to all concerned that women have had it rough. That feminism is still necessary (LOL). And that the past 2,000 years hasn't been a doddle for ladies. Schools seems to have bought it, and some men even feel bad for us (mainly the poor lefty ones, but still).

So keep it "real" and toe the party line. Any backing down over these "facts" will unravel decades of hard work on the part of your foresisters, who marched the streets for your right to vote men out of society altogether. (FEMINISM.)

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