How to catch an emu in five easy steps. Step One: Wave an old woollen blanket like a matador’s cape. Step Two: Advance toward the emu, holding the blanket. Step Three: Try to corner it, and pray it doesn’t rip the legs off the poor lady in the summer dress and sandals, bravely waving her bare arms around. Step Four: Get a firefighter, preferably from Kaiwaka, wearing heavy protective clothing, to tackle the emu. Step Five: With your pants shredded from the emu’s claws, lie on top of it and proudly declare “only Kaiwaka could do this!”.