I Googled myself. Those who are vaguely famous and vehemently disliked by a portion of the population should never Google themselves - it's the dumbest move.
There were pictures of fat women with big lips and blue eyes that weren't me. And I discovered that someone quite smart thought perhaps I could be New Zealand's answer to Bernie Sanders. Good God, that's like John Lennon being compared to Jesus: horrendous. I love Bernie. I have a sick, slightly perverse teenage crush on Bernie. But I ain't no Bernie.
Yes, I believe strongly in free tertiary education, wiping interest from current student loans and class sizes of 25 or less in all New Zealand schools.
Yes, I believe the rich should pay more tax (*choking over huge lawyers' bills*).
Yes, I believe everyone from every socioeconomic background should feel like university is completely within their reach.
But I'm not Bernie.
For one thing, I've never marched with Martin Luther King. And I'm a big, fat jelly fish who gets stung when someone calls me a big, fat hairy vapid moron.
Politicians, real politicians, have no soul. If they do, it's carbon coated. I'm not saying they're sociopaths, but in my uneducated opinion ... it's just possible that, well, they may be sociopaths.
I told my daughter that I didn't attend a fashion show because it seemed incongruous considering what I was spouting and raving about.
She told me I was a moron and should have gone for the goody bag.
I don't think I could. Then I would have felt like Bernie Sanders sitting in the front row at a Fox News town meeting.
I'm not a politician. I'm a concerned woman who is petrified by the idea of living in her car and not being able to shower twice a day. I'm concerned for the children who have hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of student debt hanging around their ample shoulders like pallets of instant noodles.
Thank you to that writer, who is much better than me, for even mentioning me in the same sentence as Bernie Sanders. I've met Chris Martin (the singer, not the cricketer) Jennifer Lopez, Cate Blanchett and will.i.am. But if I were to meet Bernie Sanders I would drool, cry and wet my pants, in no particular order.
I think I'd rather work in an ER's Friday night triage than as a politician. Kidding. That's the sh*ttiest job on earth.