Bitchin' Channels

A blog about television and radio with Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly: Who said that? 10 strange TV quotes

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Jesse from Breaking Bad. Photo / Supplied
Jesse from Breaking Bad. Photo / Supplied

I've collected 10 of the most remarkable quotes broadcast on our TV over the last few months. Some are clever, some are shocking and some are just plain weird.

Can you guess who said them?

1. "With all respect to your financial literacy, John, you don't have any".

2. "Have you ever worked in sales?"

3. "What if sisters want to get married, or three people?"

4. "No plumb can fathom the depths of my faithlessness. Now please f**K off and leave me alone."

5. "How much should I have paid for a turtle?"

6. "Not like any vagina I ever saw."

7. "The media is a professional intruder."

8. "She's lucky she doesn't get a good kick in her sn**ch."

9. "There's lots of protein other than meat. Um, like lentils and tofu."

10. "If any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his f***ing corpse."

Here are the answers.

1. "With all respect to your financial literacy John, you don't have any."

This was from an amusing and heated exchange between John Key and John Campbell on the night the assets sales law was enacted. Campbell's reply was: "In what way is my financial literacy wrong?" To be honest I didn't really understand the answer as financial claptrap makes me glaze over like a Christmas ham, but the PM had lost his cool, he snapped, and for once, he was not "pretty relaxed about it".

2. "Have you ever worked in sales?"

That was Simon Gault's sarcastic shot at Ana on MasterChef after she waffled on aimlessly and for an eternity about her cookbook concept. Ana's reply? "No." Simon: "No, I didn't think so."

3. "What if sisters want to get married? Or three people?"

Or how about a chimp and a feijoa? Some wonderful logic displayed by a man of the cloth who was roped in to argue against the idea of same sex marriage on Close Up. But he was on a hiding to nothing. Alison Mau was on hand to personalise the argument in a compellingly simple way, saying: "Why shouldn't I marry whomever I want to?" In the end even the preacher gave up to concede: "Yes I agree, it's probably going to happen anyway, it's inevitable."

4. "No plumb can fathom the depths of my faithlessness. Now please f*** off and leave me alone."

This atheist themed zinger was from the recent UKTV series Any Human Heart. The scene: Logan Mountstuart - played by the wonderful Jim Broadbent - was in hospital, when a priest approached with unwanted blessings. Logan let rip with that lovely riposte. Good series, but every man and his dog tells me it's a way better book.

5. "How much should I have paid for a turtle?"

The show: Radar Across the Pacific. The scene: Te Radar, who was in Tonga, returned with a sea turtle he rescued from a local market. Turns out, the going rate is $50. Radar shelled out $400 for the Loggerhead. Still, he got to film the release of the startled beast back into the deep. My mother really likes his other show, The River Cottage.

6. "Not like any vagina I ever saw."

Another nugget of awesomeness from the goldmine called Breaking Bad. The scene: Jesse is in an art gallery looking at paintings by Georgia O'Keefe. He'd been briefed about her typical work, but sadly these were some of her more abstract pieces.

7. "The media is a professional intruder."

Prince Phillip, on one of those 'inside the royalty' docos that popped up over the Jubilee. The world's favourite inappropriate monarch makes a lot of sense when he's not insulting the natives.

8. "She's lucky she doesn't get a good kick in her sn**ch."

Prince Phillip again? Na, but close. That was the Scottish hard-man "Jock" on Bikie Wars. There's something about the Scot's accent and vile language. It really adds some extra bite. Even if the accent is more 'Allo 'Allo! than Trainspotting.

9. "There's lots of protein other than meat. Um, like lentils and tofu."

That was one of the protestors who closed down the South Island's biggest chicken farm on Campbell Live. Shortly after the woman explained that she was a vegan, a Murray-from-Conchords-like "typical" was reportedly heard as far north as Kaikohe, while a farmer in the Chathams said: "Yep, it was clear as bell over here."

10. "If any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his f***ing corpse."

This was sent in error to 3000 ACC claimants. Just jokes, it was of course Wallace Chapman on the wonderfully surreal final of Backbenches on TVNZ 7. Or was it The Hound just before the final battle scene on Game of Thrones?

A score of 1 to 3 is probably about right. If you got all 10, then seek help now.

Follow Paul Casserly on Twitter.

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