Opinion: Jane Smith's new daily announcement

North Otago farmer Jane Smith. Photo / Supplied

Opinion: North Otago farmer Jane Smith has some new metrics for Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern's daily updates.

I've heard the New Zealand public is no longer listening to the daily Covid updates that are added to the end of the news every day.

I've also heard the Prime Minister is looking at some alternative metrics to slot into the "daily updates" space.

With that in mind, here is my list of metrics for the Prime Minister's consideration.

Jane Smith's new daily announcement

• Number of successful ram raids in Auckland overnight
• Number of teenagers slapped over the wrist with a wet bus ticket for carrying out violent ram raids
• Number of Parliamentary questions that Labour has rejected the premise of today
• Number of Official Information Act queries that have been stalled, ignored or heavily redacted this week
• Number of hectares of productive horticultural land lost this week to housing developments or significant natural lockups
• Number of new definitions created by Labour, the Greens and Iwi for the word Democracy
• Number of surgeries, cancer diagnoses and mental health emergencies have been ignored this week under the cover of Covid
• Number of essential worker immigration applications that have been shuffled to another desk this week
• Number of skeletons found in National party candidate closets this week when Labour is low in the polls
• Number of gang members have been recruited as prisoner rehabilitation consultants this month
• Number of houses that Kiwibuild haven't built this week
• Number of workers essential businesses are short of today
• Number of nurses that are overworked, underpaid, undervalued and at breaking point today
• Number of free NCEA credit giveaways for students this week
• Number of offshore dirty carbon credit offsets bought with your taxpayer money this week

Listen to Jamie Mackay interview Jane Smith on The Country below:

• Number of hectares of native hill country biodiversity that have been replaced with acidic pine trees this month
• Number of small to medium businesses that have gone into liquidation today
• Number of questions on co-governance and Three Waters that have been successfully dodged this week
• Number of high qualified health care workers still unable to fill urgent staffing shortages due to an outdated vaccine mandate
• Number of un-actioned child-poverty actions
• Number of places that New Zealand has dropped this week in OECD rankings for productivity, health care and education
• Number of socialist universal payments (sorry I mean cost of living payments) paid to the deceased this week
• Number of unemployable unemployed that have been disguised as job seekers this month
• Number of truant students missing from school today
• Number of Speakers of the House that have been given cushy diplomat jobs this year
• Dollars that have been spent on parliamentary playgrounds and Boomer bike bridge plans this week
• Number of government departments that have been endowed with a new, unpronounceable, unrecognisable name this week
• Number of highly audited, highly accredited New Zealand pig farmers that have gone out of business today
• Number of Cabinet portfolios given to Chris Hipkins this week
• Tonnes of imported fresh pork on our shelves this week from countries with little or no animal, environmental or human welfare standards
• Number of new bureaucrats employed today in new jobs with meaningless titles this week
• Number of cunning plots activated in the Beehive this week to centralise local and regional decision making
• Number of non-challenges to James Shaw's co-leadership this week

• Number of dollars provincial communities have had to raise this week to build their own cancer care hospital
• Number of electric cars re-charged on Auckland's motorway by a diesel Hilux carrying a diesel generator
• Number of new and hidden regulations developed this week to take away property rights
• Number of New Zealanders that have no idea that if unworkable regulations, land losses, energy and employment costs continue, the price of their food will more than double in the next five years
• Number of righteous greenies that are causing global emissions to increase with their choice of food, electric cars and travel-heavy lifestyle
• Tonnes of imported Indonesian coal burnt to fuel electricity to power electric cars this week
• Number of white males apologising for being white males today
• Number of days until the next general election

- Jane Smith is a North Otago farmer and winner of the national 2012 Ballance Farm Environment Awards.