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Home / The Country / Opinion

<i>Stephen Ward:</i> And finally, how Oprah holds key to our futures

1 Apr, 2007 05:00 PM6 mins to read

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Opinion by

KEY POINTS:

Readers may be aware of a physics idea which, broadly speaking, suggests that - at a spooky molecular level - a piece of matter takes all possible paths to its goal.

However, so the theory goes, most opposing possibilities effectively cancel each other's energy so that only a middle way is taken.

Hence, we get one "real life" but potential for many others.

I had tended to think of this sort of multiple possible universe concept as simply great fodder for the plots of science fiction writers.

But today - thanks to an unintended consequence of some arcane agricultural biology research involving a Holstein Friesian cow named Jessie - I can exclusively reveal theory is reality.

And, besides confirming these multiple possibilities do "happen" in a spectral sort of way, researchers have found a way to view these alternative futures.

It raises the intriguing possibility of using the scenarios to influence real life.

Driven blindfolded to a remote country location and sworn to keep identifying details secret, I was allowed to see an edited view of two extreme alternative courses for New Zealand agriculture.

While I frankly found my brain doggy paddling furiously in a sea of sensory overload, there are scenes - both beautiful and ugly - I will never forget.

How close we will get to the states of bliss and horror I witnessed will depend on many factors, not least our imaginations and our ability to try to live our dreams.

Read into these alternative scenarios what you will. They are mere phantoms for now but, as we all know, ideas are powerful things.


Bliss

Holidaying in New Zealand, Oprah Winfrey has a blinding spiritual revelation while drinking a glass of local milk and she becomes convinced it has something to do with the purity of the environment that produced her drink.

A subsequent succulent experience with New Zealand lamb - and its accompanying cabernet sauvignon - sends her into similar raptures. Oprah now begins every TV show with a very public sip of a special Fonterra-formulated brew, and New Zealand milk, meat, fruit and vino become the hottest global consumer items since teenagers discovered cellphones.

Demand for New Zealand fresh and processed milk products becomes so strong globally that competition authorities on both sides of the Tasman allow Fonterra to buy up all dairying resources to allow for even greater economies of scale.

Fonterra is forced to buy a fleet of jumbo jets to fly fresh product around the world.

It also has to negotiate control over virtually all available dairy producing land in China and South America to satisfy the growing global craving for more.

Meat company representatives desperate for more stock are filmed chasing farmers with suitcases of money and the keys to free imported cars.

Winemakers find it difficult to celebrate their success with a glass of bubbly because virtually all their stock is being quaffed overseas at astronomical prices.

The dollar costs US$2.50, but exporters don't care a jot about the currency's strength because demand is so strong it doesn't matter.

Imports threaten briefly to tip the North Island over into the Tasman - that is until emergency luxury rationing is introduced and new mansions are limited to three storeys.

The country grows fat, rich and contented on the receipts of the rural sector's windfalls, and political and social problems are eliminated as a carefully targeted state spending programme under Prime Minister Sir Henry van der Heyden is implemented.

This all transpires without any need to alter Fonterra's capital structure.

Farmers, growers and winemakers are the new national heroes, finally getting more news coverage than the All Blacks and the world of entertainment's latest chemical imbroglios combined.

The Pacific's "triple star" shines bright from Cape Reinga to Rakiura (Stewart Island), with the twinkle visible even to Sydneysiders and Queenslanders who now gladly acknowledge New Zealand's clear superiority over Australia in all things.


Horror

Oprah does not drink the glass of milk because of surly service by an Auckland hotel waiter grumpy over yet another traffic-congested drive to work.

While travelling in the Waikato, she sees a cow discharging effluent while standing in a stream.

She reads a Herald report about a Kiwi winemaker pissing in his own pocket by short-changing consumers on quality.

Oprah subsequently lambasts American television viewers with angry tirades about how New Zealand's clean, green and pure image is a load of what was coming out of the cow's bottom. The story is picked up worldwide and our national brand is trashed.

As New Zealand dairy and other food and beverage sales slump in the aftermath of the PR nightmare, aggressive US and European investors pour billions into South American and Chinese dairy and meat production developments to satisfy our former markets.

Fonterra and the meat companies are reduced to absolute minnows in the global marketplace.

Wine and fruit from New Zealand also become pariahs in all of the world's increasingly green high-end consumer markets.

The country's latest environmental problem becomes the disposal of carcasses as livestock are culled dramatically. The fall sends shockwaves throughout the economy.

As a nation, we become increasingly reliant for employment on call centre work outsourced by Asian services giants.

Bad backs and eye strain from sitting too long in front of computers become an increasingly common ailment, particularly among former rural workers used to healthy outdoor activity. Unemployment and associated social problems skyrocket.

Robbed of its competitive advantage through a combination of cruel fate and its own inadequacies, the rural sector - and the nation with it - endure a very long night of the soul.

Hopes flee the country like heavily indebted students.

As social disorder spreads, there is widespread relief when Prime Minister Sir Rodney Hide goes live on national television to reintroduce hanging and flogging.

Repeats of Dancing with the Stars become more popular television viewing than rugby test matches or music videos.

The guards of New Zealand's triple star - employed by an Australian private equity-owned contractor - wear a very dark shade of black.


Reality

One of the difficulties I now face, as a result of my experiences with the new possibility-viewing technology, is that it's increasingly difficult to stay grounded in day-to-day reality.

Therefore, your correspondent has decided to leave the employment of the illustrious Business Herald and work from today in regional government in the Waikato.

They say life's two certainties are death and taxes. Farmers would no doubt add the Resource Management Act.

Some see it as helping us get as close as possible to heaven.

Others see it as having paved the road to an over-regulated hell.

I look forward to getting to grips with its more subtle complexities.

A very sincere thank you to all readers and to those who have contributed views which have informed this column.

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