John Charteris says his advice to fathers raising sons is simple - encourage them at every step. Photo / Bevan Conley
Great Minds is a major NZME project exploring the growing impact of mental health and anxiety on Kiwis and how we can improve our wellbeing.
John Charteris is, for all intents and purposes, a classic Kiwi bloke.
He was raised on a farm and has worked on them for the majority of his life, either as a stockman or a fencer, and he even rode his horses the entire length of New Zealand to raise money for cancer research.
The catalyst for that journey is something the Whanganui man has largely kept to himself until recent years.
At the age of 26, he almost took his own life.
Charteris, now 60, says his is a story of what happens after an incident like that, and how good things can emerge from even the "darkest, saddest place".
He said he grew up in an environment which made him feel he wasn't worth much.
"Over a long period of time, you accept the fact you're useless and nothing you do is right," Charteris said.
"Then one day further down the track your mind ceases to function altogether."
He was stopped from going through with a suicide attempt by a friend, who implored him to seek help.
At the time, only four people close to him knew what had happened.
"There's a difference between someone saying you need help and accepting the fact you need help," Charteris said.
"Because I'd been told I wasn't very good at anything up until that point, I automatically thought 'I'm not going to be able to get well because I'm useless'.
"If you've never been there, it's a very hard feeling to explain. It's also a feeling that's very hard to overcome."
Charteris' friends eventually found him a psychologist, who instructed him to look in the mirror each morning and tell himself he was a good person.
"Everyone around me was telling me I was, but I just didn't believe it."
The psychologist told him he was in the same position as 75 per cent of the facility's other clients, Charteris said.
"Like me, they were all farmers' sons. They all had identical stories to me as well.
"They're brought up and expected to do a certain thing at a certain time, they're not told why, and they're not told they're doing a good job.
"When you stop young people from developing mentally, it's hard for them to live a normal, cognitive life. You can't see pitfalls coming, and when something happens you can't cope, or you're scared of it."
While he had taken the first step, the road to recovery was one that continued to the present day, Charteris said.
"The mind is a powerful beast.
"You hear people say 'just think positive thoughts', but it doesn't matter how many positive thoughts you have, that bad gremlin is going to come back and try to get you."
After the incident, he was forced to redevelop himself, and address social anxieties that had hindered his attempts to form relationships.
Putting steps in place to counterbalance the "gremlin" had made things progressively easier, however.
"It takes a long time, and it takes help from people. You need a bit of a team behind you," Charteris said.
"The more time went by though, the better I managed to cope. You start to see those dark, negative thoughts coming and you can slow them down."
Rural Support Trust is a charitable organisation that was set up to help those in the rural community through hard times.
Co-ordinator for the Ruapehu-Whanganui branch, Lyndel Stone, said that often involved mental health issues.
"Over the years we have built up really good networks and understanding of those issues, and we are able to access support for farmers when they need it."
Stone said working on a farm could be especially tough for younger people, some of whom were on their own for days at a time.
"It's a hard job and If they're struggling with mental health issues, there's no one to offload to.
"Even if they have families, it's difficult for them to come home and talk about it."
That's where Rural Support Trust came in, Stone said.
"If someone calls us we send a facilitator out to them. They ascertain what some of the issues are and start to organise some support.
"That support continues through the whole process as well. We don't just find something for them and then wave goodbye, we continue to live it and make sure they are getting the support that's needed and make sure they're coping."
Charteris' advice to fathers raising sons was simple - encourage them at every step.
"When my son was 4 or 5 he was learning how to bat a cricket ball. He couldn't hit the side of a bloody barn, so we started off with a bigger ball and I got him to hit it back to me.
"After a while we went down to a smaller one, then a smaller one, then on to a tennis ball.
"Within a few hours he was hitting it straight back into my hands, sweet as a nut. All I had to do was praise him."
While a head injury sustained eight years ago had impacted his mental and physical health, he said the 34 years since the original incident were filled with good memories.
"I'm not sure if I should feel ashamed or proud, but this is just something that's happened to me.
"If someone can read that there's a guy out there who's lived a happy life into oldish age, maybe they'll think about getting help themselves.
"There will be problems, and I've had problems over the years, but at least I've been alive to have them."
Meanwhile, Stone said there were many additional stresses facing the farming community in the present day.
"They have such a range of issues coming at them now, in terms of new regulations around water and biodiversity and things like that.
"Things are having to be learned very quickly and they're having to make changes to their operations. In some areas it can be quite costly, which adds another layer of stress."
Because they generally worked on their own, farmers were used to dealing with problems themselves rather than asking for help, Stone said.
"That's why we've seen some fairly grim statistics for farming folk, and we've got to turn that around.
'With all our facilitators, it's completely confidential. If not farming themselves, they all have a knowledge of farming and the rural community.
"They have that background and they can relate."
Where to get help
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
For counselling and support
• Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
• Need to talk? Call or text 1737
• Depression helpline: Call 0800 111 757 or text 4202
• For children and young people
• Youthline: Call 0800 376 633 or text 234
• What's Up: Call 0800 942 8787 (11am to 11pm) or webchat (11am to 10.30pm)
• The Lowdown: Text 5626 or webchat
For help with specific issues
• Alcohol and Drug Helpline: Call 0800 787 797
• Anxiety Helpline: Call 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)
• OutLine: Call 0800 688 5463 (0800 OUTLINE) (6pm-9pm)
• Safe to talk (sexual harm): Call 0800 044 334 or text 4334
All services are free and available 24/7 unless otherwise specified.
For more information and support, talk to your local doctor, hauora, community mental health team, or counselling service.
Neil Construction's development covers 68 hectares of Kerikeri's rural fringe land