The first Planet of the Apes film (1968) is a sci-fi classic that looks like it cost $3.99 to make. An astronaut lands on a planet of apes who speak English, wear vests, ride horses and go about their lives as religious maniacs. Everyone should watch it, then sit back to watch every single Planet of the Apes movie ever made in a massive, fulfilling, life-changing Planet of the Apes movie marathon. Winter is coming, and you ought to lay down some binge-watching supplies. You could do worse than the 10 Planet of the Apes films. Our household has conducted this experiment and it enriched our lives, although we no longer talk.
The second, third, fourth and fifth Planet of the Apes movies, made between 1970-73 for a total cost of $4.99, are not entirely junk but extremely close to it, and they may well take away your will to live, but such is the journey of all binge-watching. You enter into a contract. You sign up for an experience. You begin to realise that lying on the couch night after night to watch apes in vests is a kind of bliss. Anyway, they’re not the worst movies ever made.
The sixth Planet of the Apes film is the worst movie ever made. It’s titled Planet of the Apes (2001), which signals its existence as a remake of the original Planet of the Apes. It was made for an estimated budget of $1.99. The apes don’t even look like apes. Helena Bonham Carter plays an ape who looks like Helena Bonham Carter with a fringe. Mark Wahlberg kind of looks like an ape but he plays a human, unconvincingly.
The seventh Planet of the Apes film is not that far away from being a masterpiece. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) reboots the franchise and takes it in a new direction – inwards, to what it means to be an ape. The troubled hero of the film is Caesar, an ape who leads other apes to freedom. Hail, Caesar; hail, too, Wētā Workshop, which studied the apes in Wellington Zoo and can justly claim, “It’s the first live-action film to have a photo-realistic digital character as the emotional centre of the film.” Much of Rise is a silent movie. Pure cinema, pure ape.
The eighth Planet of the Apes film is a masterpiece. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) is the second of the reboot trilogy and its profound core. It confronts the central philosophy of the new, post-apocalyptic ape population – “Ape not kill ape” – and tears that commandment asunder. Heavy.
The ninth Planet of the Apes film is even heavier. War for the Planet of the Apes (2017) concludes the trilogy with all-out war, and explores another ape maxim: “Apes together, strong.” It’s a beautiful message, and the film is another masterpiece.
The final Planet of the Apes film is a bit of a mess; too much of everything thrown in – colonisation, race, indigeneity (the apes wear korowai), Darwinism, Christianity and Woody Harrelson playing Marlon Brando playing Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. But Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024) has got more Wētā apes in it, and that’s what you come for. Maybe just watch the first Planet movie and then the last four. You will think ape. You will feel ape. You will talk ape, which is to say for days afterwards you will barely talk, and walk around the house a bit stooped, swinging your arms, and screeching. Apes together, strong; watch with the one you love.
Steve Braunias writes for the Listener and Newsroom.
