KAPAI: Puku taming takes on my burgeoning bulge

So it's 15 kilos that needs to head south or wherever it is fat finds its way to and I have given myself six months to do it WHEN it comes to kai, I am a light eater. As soon as it's light I start eating!
And it shows. In fact trying to hide my puku is like Dolly Parton trying to hide that Fonterra factory she carries around below her face.
So it's time to do something about it and there is nothing like laying down a challenge to yourself in a public paper to guarantee you are going to give it your best shot.
In fact I am going to use myself as a test case in my own Maori-style version of Jenny Craig that I am calling Puku Points and hopefully, while I am teaching myself a thing or two about diet, nutrition and that dreaded disease diabetes, I will be able to share the knowledge with whanau and friends.
My big puku showed up about the same time I moved home. Up until then I took good care of my diet and my 10 years as a vegetarian during my purple-hazed hippy days would have still stayed with me had I not had the epiphany one clear day that it was more important what came out of my mouth than what went in.
For me, vegetarian diets were bloody boring to say the least, as were many of my mung bean mates who munched away on rabbit food like a fat friesian hoping to swell its udders.
What a taste sensation _ when that first sizzling sausage hit my soy-starched stomach and said "where's the sauce?". Man it was heaven on a hot dog stick.
But there is a balance there somewhere and I intend to find out sooner rather than ending up later carrying my guts around in a bulge big enough to serve breakfast on.
So it's 15 kilos that needs to head south or wherever it is fat finds its way to and I have given myself six months to do it.
I understand the calorie counting "warrant of fatness" that comes with a Jenny Craig puku plan but I reckon I can tailor-make a Maori one with no whakama (shame), no funny food and no fat fees.
And as far as stapling the puku up, well shutting shop is not an option I am prepared to pay a pipi penny for, nor is having a hoover suck out the excess.
It reminds me of a mate's mistress who kept begging him for a big sum of money so she could buy big breasts.
After constant badgering he came up with some sound advice.
"Go into the bathroom and bring out a big wad of toilet paper," he kindly commanded her.
When she returned with a big handful of toilet paper and an even bigger inquisitive look, he instructed her to gently wipe the paper across her chest as if in some magical ritual.
"And how is this meant to help me get bigger breasts?" she asked.
"Who knows, but it certainly worked on your bum.'
When we had our company board meeting recently I was tested big time, as our choice of venue has quickly become the tucker capital of Tauranga.
If you haven't been to the Quarry Restaurant and Bar opposite the Bar Bar Black Sheep pub in Te Puna then do yourself a flavour, it is divine dining.
Anyway, it was torture to see my colleagues dining on steaks so tender and rare they almost walked off the table and back to the Rangiuru freezing works but my Thai salad was a taste sensation that kept my puku points in check and the bill well below the company accountant's eyebrows.
And if you are looking for a fantastic Friday night feed, try the Te Puna Rugby Club's KaiPai menu; she's a beauty for fewer than 10 bucks,
So the question that many of my mates ask is, "where's the puku in the paper?"
My answer "Photoshop" _ isn't it amazing what computers can do these days?
But before you can say Atkins, Pritikin, vegan, fruitarian or any other food fad, fat-reducing five letter word that rhymes with Batty the skinny little winger who took off from Tauranga in the 80s, this fatty is on his way to food freedom quicker than the exiting All Black.
It is the last legacy of an addictive former 50 years that the second half of my life can well do without and let's face it, if I want to watch my precious little princess pick up a university degree or two, I need to pull back on the boil-ups and pick up a new warrant of fatness for her future as well as mine.
If you have any good "tucker tips" please email them to me and I might just put together a KaiPai recipe book for all the whanau to cook a feed from.
Bon appetite tommy@indigenius.org