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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon says he is “frickin’” excited about publishing a how-to guide for swearing. The foul-mouthed yob said that effing and blinding like a real man was an important skill for every New Zealander, not just unpopular prime ministers like himself. The handbook will be titled, The Subtle Art of Giving A Frig.
“Sadly our woke education system no longer teaches our kids how to take the Lord’s name in vain or turn the air blue,” Luxon told reporters at his weekly post-cabinet press conference. “But all New Zealanders, not just real jokers like me, should know how to call a spade a frickin’ spade.”
A University of Auckland expert in profanity said that swearing like a son of a gun is New Zealand’s third official language, so it was important that the country’s leader was fluent. “Up until now it had been unclear whether Mr Luxon was up to the frickin’ job,” the expert said.
US President Donald Trump said he was not convinced by Luxon’s credentials to be a foul-mouthed yob. “People are saying, many, many people, that Luxon is a total loser at swearing compared to Trump,” the President said. “If Trump was the New Zealand people, he’d fire the motherf—ker.”
As a taster of what is to come in The Subtle Art of Giving A Frig, the Prime Minister’s office yesterday issued a list of Luxon’s top five favourite swear words. They are (reader discretion advised):
1/ Poo
2/ Fudge
3/ Blast
4/ Jeez
5/ Balls
Willis says she doesn’t know whether butter would melt in her mouth
Finance Minister Nicola Willis denies knowing whether butter would melt in her mouth. “Though my annual parliamentary salary alone is well over $300,000, just like ordinary New Zealanders I cannot afford to buy New Zealand butter,” Willis told reporters. “So obviously I have absolutely no idea whether it would melt in my mouth.”
Willis says she will be holding a late-night meeting with Fonterra management next week to determine for sure if the world’s most expensive spread would dissolve on her forked tongue when she ate it.
However some commentators say it is hard to believe that Willis did not already know whether butter melted in her mouth. “Willis attended one of the poshest girls’ schools in Wellington, Samuel Marsden Collegiate in Karori,” said one commentator. “Private school girls always act like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths, but it’s all a big act. They are among the few New Zealanders privileged enough to eat butter.”
Another commentator pointed out that it was highly likely Willis already knew whether butter melted in her mouth. Before entering politics to do finance minister impressions, she had worked for eight years as a middle manager and political lobbyist at Fonterra.
In related news, after a recent 46.5% increase in the price of butter in the year to June, a new report has found all of New Zealand is now estimated to be worth just one 500g block of the dairy product.
Willis said she was saddened by the report’s finding, but said she also had no idea why butter was so expensive. “But as a former lobbyist for Fonterra, I am sure it is supermarkets that are to blame,” she said. “I’m now actively engaged in a performative call for the supermarket chains to explain their prices in an attempt to muddy the issue while also quietly letting Fonterra off the hook.”
The unnamed commentator said Willis’s allegation that supermarkets were to blame for butter prices was ironic. “So it isn’t just butter that melts in her mouth,” he said.
Political quote of the week
Mid-winter poll changes party names due to bad weather
Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour’s claim that the mid-winter blues have skewed recent political polls against the coalition has led to the latest opinion survey disguising party names to protect those worst affected by the cold snap.
To save the blushes of all, the Another Kind of Politics-Winter of Discontent Poll has changed the party names to the Risible Liars Party, the Raving Loonies Party, the Dumb As A Bag of Hammers Party, the Nutty As A Fruit Cake Party, the Out to Lunch Party and the Drinking At Lunch Party.
According to the Winter of Discontent poll’s result, the Out to Lunch Party and its ideological running mate the Drinking At Lunch Party could form a government if assisted by either the Dumb As A Bag of Hammers or the Nutty As A Fruit Cakes.
The poll has a margin of error of -5 degrees Celsius.
Political quiz of the week
What woolly economic strategy is Finance Minister Nicola Willis considering next?
A/ To keep blaming Labour.
B/ To grow the economy with further corporate welfare and less pay equity.
C/ To change the term “the cost of living” to the “ButterBoost Policy”.
D/ To sell New Zealand to Australia for $1.
